Α&Ω

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Α&Ω is an elitist sorority located at BFNU (BoonieFuckNowhere University) and are widely considered to be the best-looking, most fashionable, wealthiest girls on campus. Founded in the year 409 by the prophets Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, and Roseanne, their motto is "Πάντα τελειώστε την εργασία" or, "Always Finish The Job".

I am a sister of Α&Ω, and I am easy.

Origins[edit]

The year 409 was a brutal year in human history, especially for women. With the advent of bukkake, anime, and your mother, times were really bad for women everywhere. To demonstrate, there is a legend that one of the founders of Α&Ω, Paris Hilton, found herself entertaining guests at the home of her then-husband Wilford Brimley and then, without warning, all 179977639 men decided that they needed to play a carnival game. That carnival game was the infamous "shoot the water gun at the target to fill the balloon, pop it to win a prize". Except they didn't have water guns. Or balloons. But they did have Paris. This author refuses to go into any more detail out of fear of horrifying the children. It might upset Mr. T, and this author doesn't want that. Ever.

Needless to say, Wilford was ecstatic with the results, and proceeded to tell his other friends like George W. Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bill Clinton, Snoop Dawg, God and several other pimps. Several hundred thousand more women suffered at the "hands" of the men in the world, and finally Paris decided that she had had enough "carnival games" and got together with other suffering women. These women included Angelina Jolie, who suffered at the "hands" of the Third World and Roseanne, who actually didn't suffer at all. I mean, have you looked at Roseanne ever? This author rests his case.

As a result, all of these proud women came together (this author has just realized the horrible pun he just made) and decided that they needed to band together as a group. They needed to establish a set of values, a set of standards, but more importantly they needed to establish a brand name so that they could wear clothing exclusive to the women who joined. In other words, they formed a sorority and started many proud traditions that still stand today. Like the Walk of Shame. Like allowing fraternities to run train on them. Like being a hotbed for STDs. In other words, in one of the most genuine attempts in feminist history to establish a group by women, for women, they instead established a system that enabled men to maintain control over them. Many suspect that this occurred because Roseanne and all her fugly gang girls actually wanted a piece of the action and initiated the hottest lesbian party the world has ever seen and at its climax, rewrote the entire constitution of Α&Ω. The rest, they say, is history. Well, that and you can pay $3.99 for a three-day trial in a feeble attempt to download the entire party!

Values[edit]

Most of the original values of Α&Ω have been lost during that bull-dyke blowout extravaganza, but the rewritten values still exist! They are as follows:

  • 1. Thou shall love the man-pump.
  • 2. Thou shall wear the designer clothing.
  • 3. Thou shall shun the non-believer.
  • 4. Thou shall always attempt to look like a hooker.
  • 5. Thou shall always tape thy pillow-fights and sell them for immense profit.
  • 6. Thou shall love thy sisters... Especially in that way.
  • 7. Thou shall always be open to threesomes. Or foursomes. Or 179977639-somes.

These values are usually kept a closely-guarded secret by all of the sisters. If this article is any indicator, however, it really isn't that hard to get their secrets out of them. Just a little stimulation is all it takes! How does the author know this? Well first you have to give them the secret handshake, which really isn't all that hard. All you have to do is take your hand and...

CENSORED BY MR. T

This is an example of a chapter meeting of Α&Ω. Notice the large number of men. Notice that you can't see the sisters of the sorority in the midst of all the men. The author will now respect your awed silence.

Α&Ω Currently[edit]

At this moment, Α&Ω has over 34,000 chapters in every country in the world. Not only has Α&Ω exhausted the ability of the Greek alphabet to designate all of these chapters (they now instead name themselves after Victoria's Secret product lines), but it has also lost the exclusivity that made it popular in the first place. That is why Paris Hilton can no longer be seen wearing the letters of her prestigious sorority, and Angelina Jolie has plunged headfirst into philanthropy in an attempt to clean off the "stain" left on her by membership. But let's be honest here, folks. Do "stains" like that really come out? If Bill Clinton vs. United States vs. Jesus vs. Your Mom tells us anything, the answer to that question is almost certainly a "no" (and this time, "no" does not mean "yes").

Regardless, the current President of the sorority is Lindsay Lohan, who is currently engaged in a deathmatch with Britney Spears over who shall be the next President. The process of choosing a President in Α&Ω is akin to that of becoming The Highlander: You must chop the other's head off, there can be only one, and it will be televised tonight at 7:00 PM Eastern Time on TNT!