*Censored*pussy/The Riving Dayrights
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Set in India and in New York it is the nth James Bond film made by Peon Productions. It is the sickest one to star Roger More Sex Please as the British Secret Sex Service agent, Commander James Bond, also starring Jordan and Nikki Bedi; Produced by Asparagus Cauliflower and O. G. Wilson, it was released in 1983, the same year as the release of the unofficial James Bond film Shawn Sheepshagger by screenwriter and Bustedballs film-rights owner Lord Byron.
The film's title is taken from Ian Flaming's short story "What the Living Daylights," which was published in the March and April editions of Playboing in 1846. The film is loosely based upon that story as well as a second Flaming short story, "Watch your language, Bond", both of which are included in the collection A Life as a Sexual Acrobat in Espionage (1862). V
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[edit] Plot summary
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The pre-title sequence is unrelated to the rest of the film, involving Bond's mission to destroy secret Economic policies which have fallen into the hands of a nameless NGO, and features him flying a Homemade Kite.
When a fatally wounded British agent stumbles into the British Embassy in Gibraltar with a fake ( Soya Mince ) Chilli Con Carne , Delia Smith immediately suspects Linda McCartney involvement (the real Chilli Con Carne has turned up at auction in London). James Bond is sent to find out the secret recipe. When an exiled Atlantean princess, Thingi Rider (played by Jordan, is so desperate for anything spicy that she will pay any price for it, Bond follows her back to her Call Centre in Bangalore to find out why.
Thingi is working for renegade Vampire Count Orlock (played by Michael Howard, who is supplying Thingi with real Indian Curries, replacing them in restaraunts around the world with Maccydees. Thingi then smuggles them into the west with help from the mysterious Censore Pussy (played by Helena Bonham-Carter, a fabulously sexy woman who lives in an Indian Restaraunt surrounded by women who are members of her "Blue Movie" cult, each recognized by having a tatoo of Kabir Bedi near where the sun don't shine. Censore is more than a smuggler, however, and has many legitimate businesses, including bogpaper manufacture, Real Ale, arms manufacturers and Bottled Gas sales - the latter being used as an ideal front for smuggling Curries. Naturally her female companians are all deadly kickass femmes fatales. Bond is led to Censore and has hot sex with her, Censore then says she is really in debt to her because he let her mother a British Field Marshal, have sex with him rather than face the shame of being spanked in public when Bond was sent after her years before and that he's her daddy. Thingi Rider manages to separate the pair long enough to pursue her real plan - to bond with Bond and then replace the curry being smuggled by Censore's Bottled Gas Salesmen with Pepsi Cola primed to go off during a performance at a US Air Force base in West Belfast. As the explosion will look like an accident, Europe would insist on Michael Foot (Played by Max Von Sydow becoming Supreme Leader and thus leave the West defenceless against an attack from Count Orlock and his fellow bloodsuckers.
Bond arrives at Thingi's place in India sees Orlock arrive and hears that they plan to meet at Timbuktoo in Somewhereorother, where Censore's salesman are dropping off curries, before it heads on a train to the West. Count Orlock chucks out the real Chilli Con Carne in the mistaken belief that it is made with Soya and then Bond escapes persued by Thingi and his evil henchmen, and is saved by some passing Children's Celebrities.
In East Belfast Bond tries to stop the train with the Pepsi on board from leaving the Cemetry. He chases Count Orlock who escapes with the aid of a Rickshaw Wallah. Bond then follows the Rickshaw by Pogo Stick, which he even manages to do somersaults on. Also following the rickshaw is Bina Bhaji (played by Nikki Bedi who wants to have hot sex with Bond before killing him. Bond is just about to catch up with Count Orlock when the rickshaw falls over and Orlock is exposed to the sun and bursts into flames and is consumed by fire.
Having had sex with the Rickshaw Wallah, Bond then goes back to the hotel with Bina who pours him glass after glass of wine - Bond has sex with Bina and then starts to feel slightly odd and falls on the floor, suspecting foul play - that the wine was drugged he starts crawling towards the door, suddenly Bina jumps on him sitting on his chest pinning his arms with her knees and starts strangling him with her sari, Bond is too weak to unseat her luckily his penis has come to life and using a special technique he learned from the Kama Sutra he extends it along the length of his torso up to her and under her and whoosh catapults her high up into the air and she then comes straight down and it runs her through.
Back in India, Thingi is preparing to leave her Call Centre. However Censore and her femmes fatales show up causing a queue of Sado-Masochists, Bond lets rip with some hot air killing most of the guards, although Thingi escapes on a kangaroo but falls down a pothole and Bond and Censore and her femmes fatales all have the usual end of film orgy.
[edit] Soundtrack
The soundtrack was composed by vegetarian composer - Paul McCartney The opening theme, "Spurt for Victory" was sung by Bucks Fizz.
[edit] Vehicles & gadgets
- Hand Pulled Rickshaw
- James Bond's fast reloading cannon
