0BC - 0AD
- This is an article pertaining to time. If you are interested in numbers, you may be looking for 0 (number) or Interstate 0.
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 0BC to 0AD.
0 B.C. - 0 A.D. (P.C. 0 B.C.E. - 0 C.E.) covers the era between the end of the second following 11:59:59 p.m. December 31, 1 B.C. and precisely midnight January 1, 1 A.D. This infintesimal time period was among the most joyous of moments in history, as people of all ethnicities, creeds, and sobriety levels experienced a unified euphoric harmony, simultaneously holding their breath in preperation for the exclamation, "Happy New Era!" or, among Christians, "Happy Circumcision, Jesus!" or possibly, "For God's sake, don't let the knife slip!"
It was 361 B.C. when Aristotle became the first to realize the potential annihilation caused by a Y0K problem. He proposed "Golden Mean Time," in which time would stop and always remain at noon, Wednesday, June 30, 0 B.C. His student, Alexander, attempted to implement Aristotle's solution worldwide:
“All must be forced to heed Aristotle's words. I shall save humanity by conquering it forthright.”
“He's missed the point again.”
Unfortunately for the Greeks, the Romans had similar ideas. But they knew about the Y0K problem. A true politician, Augustus Caesar tried to postpone dealing with the problem by adding a month to each calendar year (in his own name, of course). An even truer politician, Julius Caesar did the same, but after 0 A.D., thus postponing a problem that had already been solved, while ensuring his own glory would not be eclipsed by Augustus. To that end, he made sure July would always come before August.
Jews were among the first to criticize the notion that the end of time might occur as a result of the Christian calendar running out of years (and negative years, at that) when their own calendar was doing just fine, around the year 4500 and rising. Likewise, societies with other calendar systems or no calendars at all had a hard time seeing what the big deal was about. The Christian Right opposed the notion that time would end with the birth of Christ; the end of time was to be reserved for the second coming of Christ (which, incidentally occurred in the year 13 A.D., shortly after the Lord experienced puberty):
“Time was to end shortly after 9:00 pm, November 14, anno domini 13 (none of that "common era" crap, thank you very much), due to my disgust with the inhumanity of humanity. But finding my own humanity rather, er, pleasant at that particular time, I decided to defer the end to midnight, May 27, anno domini 2011.”
The Lord in His Heavens criticized the Christian, Jewish, and most other calendar systems as "ethnocentric" and "highly unscientific," adding that the birth of Christ in fact occurred in the year 15,239,476,319 (Earth years). He added:
“And If Any Of Thou Believeth That I Created This Unholy Universe In A Matter Of Six Days, Thou Obviously Never Hath Attempted A Project Of Such Magnitude Thyself. Little Ones, Should Thy Rabbis Or Monks Or Sunday School Teachers Assert Their Six-Day Theory, Telleth Them Thou Heardeth Otherwise From Thy Horse's Mouth.”
0 B.C. to 0 A.D.
Christian theology places the beginning of the new era at the eighth day after December 25, 1 B.C., the date on which Christ would have been circumcized. The knife apparently didn't slip, otherwise Jesus would have been raised a girl. Or else it did, and they covered it up, which might explain the loincloth on the crucifix.
A few days after His birth on December 25, 1 B.C., Jesus offered His Own solution to the problem Aristotle had discovered 360 years earlier. Christ suggested adding two years to the calendar, 0 B.C. and 0 A.D. (which, in His Divine Humility, He did not insist on putting in His Own Name), which would reset the numbering of years so they would ascend rather than descend. Placing the two years at the moment of His circumcision meant He would have to endure two years of penal torture. The Lord was pleased with Christ's sacrifice (in fact, He was damned impressed), and agreed to spare humankind from temporal ruin. Thus the baby Jesus became the saviour of the human race.
“But I Am A Compassionate Lord. I Realizeth That Two Years Of Penal Torture Would Killeth Any Man, Even A Divine One. Thus I Communteth My Son's Sentence Using Divine Intervention. I Shall Causeth Both Years To Occureth Simultaneously, Sparing My Son's Life And Allowing Him To Rise Again.”
Timeline of the Holy Years
- March 25, 1 B.C. - The Immaculate Conception. So immaculate Joseph didn't even have to clean up.
- December 23, 1 B.C. - Mary goes into labour. But it was an immaculate labour, so it didn't really hurt.
- December 25, 1 B.C. - Birth of Christ (OK, it was probably really in April, but that would ruin the chronology).
- December 28, 1 B.C. - With time running out and humankind panicking, Jesus makes the supreme sacrifice.
- Infintesimal moment before midnight, December 31, 1 B.C.
- January 1, 0 B.C. to December 31, 0 B.C. - occurred simultaneously
- January 1, 0 A.D. to December 31, 0 A.D. - occurred simultaneously with 0 B.C.
- Midnight, January 1, 1 A.D. - the human race lets out a collective sigh of relief. So does the baby Jesus.