1894 Hampton Hill Whale Disaster

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“...perhaps one of only 37 events comparable to the apocalypse. ”

~ The Chuckle Brothers on the 1894 Hampton Hill Whale Disaster

“ZOINKS! ”

~ Shaggy on the 1894 Hampton Hill Whale Disaster


The Hampton Hill Whale Disaster of 1894 occurred in 1736 and was a shocking natural catastrophe, in which a 80-fathom sperm whale skidded approximately 13.4 kilometres from an unknown location (most likely Greece) to midway through the high street of Hampton Hill, a suburb of England's Lego-built metropolis of London.

Records Of The Event[edit]

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Did you know…
Aside from the 1894 Whale Disaster, Hampton Hill is also famous for being the temporary residence of Gordon Ramsay (best known for his cooking and erotic lap-dancing) between July and August in 1999, until his constant swearing got on everyone's tits.

There are very few records of the event as Benito Mussolini burnt the majority to cover-up the fact that he was unable to swim, as it was alleged he planned on using the whale to mount a 40,000-man strong assault on Belgium. However, upon realising that doing this would destroy his supply of special Belgian Peanut Butter (made by the Greek mythological creature Elton John), Mussolini destroyed all the records of the event.

Unbeknowst to Mussolini, Van Halen hid a copy of the records in Nova scotia in the Soviet Union, which remained hidden until 2006, when they were unearthed secret communist preacher and super genius Wile E. Coyote, who subsequently handed them over to supreme overlord of the United Kingdom (and thus Hampton Hill), Rob Zombie. The records were released to the public in the normal fashion; through the fascist propaganda outlet, otherwise known as the Daily Mail, which as usual blamed the whole 'cover-up' on asylum seekers.

Description Of The Event[edit]

An artist's impression of the disaster.

Once the records had be found, a full account of the event was discovered. Although it is unknown where it started, it is alleged that the sperm whale was greased up in baked beans and pushed very hard, causing a rare natural phenomenon whereby whales continually increase their travelling velocity until they hear music by Christian rap group Metallica. When this occurs, the whale implodes at a phenomenal rate of 20 kiloimplosions per millisecond.

This appears to have been the case in this 1894 disaster. Amazingly, the only damage recorded in the incident was the destruction of the Albanian embassy, which was later repaired with superglue and eels. The records suggest the whale travelled through Hampton Hill's high street for 32 seconds before Julius Cæsar, a local shopkeeper, played "Enter Sandman", one of Metallica's best known Jesus-loving numbers.

Suggested Explanations Behind The Disaster[edit]

As the origination of the speeding 80-foot sperm whale was not recorded, nor was there any explanation given as to why there was an aquatic creature in the middle of a small urban suburb nowhere near the Death Star (the home of sperm whales), leading scientists and bakers have given theories as to how and why the disaster happened:

- Benito Mussolini was in fact to blame and accidentally dropped his assault whale in Britain instead of Belgium. However, this theory breaks down as none of the 40,000 men accompanying the whale were ever found, thus suggesting Mussolini wasn't to blame, or he cleverly vapourised his army using large quantities of spinach, to get him off the hook.

- The whale was actually Queen Victoria, who was rolling after falling off her chauffeur-driven badger.

- A large mass, which appeared to our mortal eyes as a sperm whale came out of a black hole (a theory backed by Stephen Hawking) and ended up at a randomly placed point in our Universe. It was suggested that the mass could've been anything at all and may have changed when it travelled through various dimensions. David Seaman's Theory of Mass Morphication Through Dimensions illustrates the process as below (see the 'Standard Dimensions for 1894' row for proposed explanation of the disaster):

Name of Dimension
What Mass Would Look Like
0th
A point
1st
A line
2nd
Winston Churchill
Super NES
Luigi
Standard Dimension Of 1894
An 80ft Sperm Whale
LSD
Something groovy
35th
Elvis Presley
783rd
Jupiter
Apocalyptic
Chuck Norris

Other Occurrences Of Similar Disasters[edit]

A few other reported incidents of a similar nature have been declared through time, such as The 2002 Dolphin Revolution, The 1745-1803 Mullet-Induced Heatwave of Europe and to a lesser extent, The Great Indonesian Pancake Disaster of 64BC.

Interestingly, astrologists predict that due to the current arrangement of the stars, another whale disaster, of an even larger scale, is imminent. This has lead the Mayor of Hampton Hill, an inanimate carrot, to install full whale-disaster protection, including an armed partrol of 1,400 AK-47-armed Mel Gibson lookalikes and setting the whale-disaster level to 'RED', clarified by the description 'Some big-ass whale is gonna come n' destroy our town - run for the hills'.