1947 Horse-Throwing Competition
The 1947 Horse-Throwing Competition was a very controversial horse-throwing event. Now, I was not alive to witness this for myself, but I feel it necessary to give you my recollection of that day's event.
As with all proper horse-throwing competitions, there was a joust. However, the horses were stuck at the airport trying to find their lost luggage so the jockeys had to ride ostriches. Yes, there was an ostrich farm nearby. They were in Kansas, the land of ostrich farms.
So anyway, the jockeys began jousting. They puffer-fish-tipped poles rather than the standard lance as this was the fashion in the 1940s. The winner, whose name escapes me as I was not there, won a free bucket of reheated Chinese food and a kilt smeared with cheese-wiz.
As with all proper horse-throwing competitions (which this one most certainly was), there was the bi-annual mustache-growing contest. The men had been sitting there for two years (or half a year?) growing their mustaches. Eating, as I recall so vividly (despite not having even been birthed as of yet), was strictly against the rules. This meant all of those formerly fat moustacheless pigs had become toothpick-thin. They were allowed only one hour a day to trim and comb their mustaches (quite handsomely) in any fashion they so wished.
The winner, sported a simple toothbrush mustache. As I recalled he looked like an unwashed vagabond though I did not attend the contest and spouted quite the racist rhetoric as he gave his victory speech. He spoke quite fondly of gray-haired, blue eyed, sex gods named Anderson Cooper. I very much liked him.
The Oil Spill
Seeing as how the horses were still at the airport, the horse-throwing was put off for a bit. The organizers improvised an oil spill jabouree. People went around drillinng for oil in random farms all over Kansas. They then hauled the oil to the southern coast and dumped it into the Gulf of Mexico. They guy who made the biggest oil spill got to kiss Ms. Kansas 1973 as well as her mother. The organizers forgot about the oil which washed ashore killing off several bird species and all kinds of fish and even a naive child who was having fun rolling around in the petrol. To deal with the bad press, the organizers ignited the oil. This created a beautiful smoke cloud. The jambouree was quite fun as I recall, but it was sadly outlawed due to environmentalists saying it was bad for something and cancerous and something else, I don't recall exactly as I wasn't there. Fortunately, large oil companies improvise their own oil jambourees whenever possible.
The winner of the mustachioed-dude is still debated to this day. It came down to a bald man and Jim, the county drunk. The bald man had the larger mustace, but Jim's killed two people accidentally which earned him ironic yet tragic bonus points. Many believed this to be unfair as the mayor's son was one who was killed. Jim, being anti-government, claimed to deserve the award for simply killing a government official's son. I whole-heartedly agreed with Jim despite my not having attended the event.
Everyone was getting tired of preliminary distractions and wanted to see some horses thrown. It was late in the afternoon, and the sun burned everyone even leaving one big-boobed female sizzling to death as I recollect (despite not having been there). Still, no one went home. Instead, they had a barbecue. Meanwhile, the horse jockeys each played one single record. This is, as I vividly remember having not been there, is where the term disc jockey originates.
There was no one winner of the BBQ as this was not an event. Everyone just danced and ate. The now-skinny men from the mustache competition quickly put all their weight back on. Two of the fatasses had heart attacks after eating a dozen buckets of ribs washed in butter. Everyone laughed at the fatty-fatty-boom-ba-laddies.
The horses finally arrived at midnight. The horse-throwing finally happened. Even though it was a relatively mediochre year, it was still one hell of a horse-throwing shin-dig. Everyone went home, tired and exhausted. This was my recollection of the 1947 Horse-Throwing Competition.