|Fire Danger: CATASTROPHIC (delete)
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 1956AD to 1976AD.
America's Most Intelligent Decade
The saddest year of the 1950s :
- 1956 never really got over the fact that the 1957 Chevy came out a year too late for it. The mental trauma associated with this event caused 1956 to have a temper tantrum that destroyed Bikini Island with a teeny weeny itsy bits ....... nuclear bomb. Transforming it into Itsy Bitsy Teenweeny Yellow Polkadot Bikini Island.
- 1956 was also the beginning of the “Reign of the Rat,” as Mickey Mouse the Great came to power in Disneyland in that year. His reign of terror (which lasted until 1970) scarred an entire generation. One of the first moves by the new Mouse regime was the ethnic cleansing of the Pirates of the Caribbean from Castaway Cay.
- On a lighter note, 1956 was also the year that Crack was invented by Edwin P. Crack, noted Canadian chemist and shoe salesman. It was also the year in which Ohno succeeded Lord Weirdo as Protector of the American Way.
- July 4, 1956: The Space program of The Sultanate of South Carolina called The Carolina Sky Association claims Mars.
- 1956 was a “good” year for microwavessss. Ouch.
- EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT!
- In Jan. Elvis was banned in 10 states and Washington DC.
- The colour red was banned from American television after it had a fight with producers. This was irrelevant as television was far beyond the era of colour and The American office of the red panda brainwashed people into beleiving that red never had and never would exist.
- Also in Jan. the FBI put Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks on the top 10 most wanted list.
- In April, the US census reported 90% of Americans lived in suburbs and everyone wanted to drive to "see the USA in our Chevrolet".
- On May day, nobody celebrated it in America anymore, because the "commies" adopted it.
- In July, the Dionne Quintuplets joined together to form MEGADION in order to defend Canada against the previous year's Giant Ant Invasion.
- Television came to Australia, and they were never the same again.
- The British communist Comrade Neil Clark defended the Russian invasion of Hungary, and argued that the Soviets should be allowed to resurrect the Austro-Hungarian empire under Nikita Khrushchev.
- The sun is destroyed.
- October 29 - Sasquatch is born, decides to go eat orphans. Later, he becomes a vegan for health reasons.
- Nov.1- Big-Butt sighted coming out of a large Uraniusan UFO to have a word with the living Elvis.
- After many years of cloning himself; Lu Bu attacks the entire world. He destroys much of it, he then turns on his army proclaiming that "THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE LU BU!!!". The resulting fight destroys a great civilization in Siberia.
- December 1 - Several nipples seen on a Michigan beach.
- November 1 - The Medical University of South Carolina invents Ebola.
- December 3 - Scientists at Clemson University in the Sultanate of South Carolina accidentally create a new fault line.
1957 is one of the mysterious Years that Never Were.
January 3 In the Sultanate of South Carolina, The first man-made tornado (Cyclone) is invented by scientists from The Citadel, College of Charleston, Wofford University, Furman University, and Clemson University, it kills 243 people in Key West, Florida.
February 4 Iowa State University buys the research and plans to the man-made Cyclone for $13 Billion in order to destroy the University of Iowa.
- It was first observed to take place shortly after 1956, and again just before 1958.
- the sun is recreated.
- Sputnik first launched, but it never happened.
- 1957 only lasted for 2 months from October 19 till December 14. It was as Stephen Hawking observed 'short but I'd give it one' he then elaborated that 1957 was a 'rent boy tart' and it would be 'wiping spunk out it's hair for a month' - Stephen has since been forcibly re-booted and has apologised.
- April 2 The Carolina Sky Association (CSA) launches five 40 crew spacecraft, from a open-sea platform in the ocean, capable of lightspeed to mars to begin terraforming.
- It should also be noted that the year 1957 (or possibly 1958) is the era when NASSA reportedly formed. Since the white media had covered it up as best they could, it is uncertain when exactly the event took place. For more information, see the article on the Old Negro Space Program.
- Lu Bu's last remaining clone is hunted down in Tokyo, Lu Bu decapitates him with a paperclip.
- March 23 The University of Iowa is completely destroyed by an EF-6 cyclone created by Iowa State University scientists; 14,040 Hawkeye fans die.
- May 15 Gays in the Sultanate of South Carolina detonate 5 car bombs in the mountain town of Seneca, 1235 die.
- The United States entered into a strategic Car Fin Race with the Soviet Union, which never really recovered from the introduction of the 1957 Chevy Bel-Air.
- Four teenagers were given the electric chair in Florida for spitting chewing gum on the sidewalk.
- Nine out of ten doctors said smoking is actually good for you - just ignore all that blood and bile you hack up every day.
- Omar Sharif's son, Tarek Sharif, born, to no one's surprise.
- The U.S. Government mandated that asbestos, the new, safe insulating material, be installed in all homes built in the U.S.
- We welcomed our new ant overlords. Toiling in the underground sugar mines began shortly thereafter.
- Kaputnik put into orbit by Soviet Union. It drops bomb on United States, though bomb misses major cities and plunges harmlessly into Kansas compost pit instead. Compost subsequently mutates into blob which will later spawn Rosie O'Donnell.
- Avro Arrow revealed. The US Government responds with a classified memo labeled "UNCLE!"
- One of the proverbial "Jack Kerouac" sitings in New Orleans, Louisiana. He was allegedly naked, dancing in the swamp with Ray Charles and Helen Keller and smoking a shrimp gumbo/weed combo.
- Being white was the law.
- Being male was also the law.
- Everyone had to be American.
- Everyone must be a Christian.
- Everyone is told not to discuss politics and religion, nor joke about sex and death, and most of all never talk about negative things or personal problems.
- The University of Leicester is founded by a pair of perverts.
- Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and that other guy whom nobody remembers, all achieved their biggest hits.
- Paper-boy Don McLean fails to complete his morning paper-round.
- The sun is destroyed again then recreated again the destroyed agian, and is finally recreated, only up side down. The world is all like "OMGWTF?!?!?!?!?1/1/" Fourteen years later, a song is written about it.
- During this year, television ownership became mandatory in all industrialized nations to facilitate the spoon-feeding of advertising to entertainment-hungry citizens.
- Saint Nicholas of Myrrh is declared Santa Claus the patron saint of Television.
- Homosexuality is invented by television.
- Still only 3 big networks were on television.
- Being a raging Queen is invented by Truman Capote.
- Canada inagurates its own television service (consisting mostly of puppet shows and Quebecois soap operas) and begins jamming American TV signals to preserve "Canadian Cultural Purity."
- Mexico follows suit, inaguarates Channel Ocho (consists mostly of soccer games and Spanish telenovelas) and begins criss-crossing American TV signals to promote "La Revolucion de La raza".
- "Este es K-ah M-ammay E-ey X-hey, canal trente-quatro, Los Angeles".
- Fat Bastard Foods Inc. launches TV Dinners, nutritionally empty trays filled with delicious starch, fat, and salt to be consumed while reclining on the couch in front of the TV.
- AAA achieves his first high score while watching a test pattern. One week later, Bill Gates accidentally invents the first videogame in an experiment involving a Color TV and a Flux Capacitor.
- June 4 - Centerville scares off an alien invasion with its boring reputation and lack of TV. Also, Gracie O., one of the only homeless first graders in Centerville, says that she is the only one that sees the beauty in the town. But hey, who listens to her? She's homeless!
- The homeless are adopted by zombie crack dealers, and quickly learn to beatbox.
- Charles Dickens publishes the Spider Riders, a communist propaganda series about these teenagers who get fucked up on drugs, have sex with 12 years and bomb the Insectors. This book was an instant hit in Europe and Japan, but practically non-existant in America.
- TV made me do it.
- Sophia accepts the Puzzle potato as the new corporate logo of the Uncyclopedia Foundation.
- 50 years ago (1959-60), an adult man can hug a child and flirt with a woman, without being arrested or charged with a sex crime. MEN...ah, the good ol' days.
1959 was the Year in which the world came to an end, because the UNO did not pay their bills.
- In 1962, the World was started again after an anonymous person paid most of the fines. Cable television and Radio hasn't been paid yet and are thus unavaiable.
- Einstein invented the Game Boy.
- I invented Cream Cheese.
- The famous New York Goldrush of '59.
- The Los Angeles Dodgers supposedly defeated the Chicago White Sox in the World Series. However, this is a hotly debated topic, because film only exists of the first game, in which Chicago won 117 to negative 6. A documentary on this controversy can be purchased from here; it is available on BetaMax, Super Eight, Blu-Ray, DVD, HD-DVD, or a piece of worthless, useless shit.
- Brooklyn, N.Y. angered about the Dodgers leaving town a year before, invades Manhattan and gives a bad "bronx rasp" to the Yankees fans.
- Aliens landed in Roswell, but did not like the weather (it rained a lot in '59).
- Protesters of the Mickey Mouse regime in Disneyland are gunned down by troops under the command of Donald Duck.
- The Pound of Sex (symbol £X) became the official currency of The Bank of Insanity and Pirates.
- The sun give birth to 17 baby cows.
- Pope Credulous XS (The former Pope's evil twin) declared Saint Anne the patron saint of blasphemy.
- The coolest man alive is born.
- 17 Baby cows are grilled in space. the meat is used in thee new year party.
- Those ungrateful Americans forced Canada to cancel the Avro Arrow.
- The Poles announced they invented a rocket to land on the surface of the sun, the Russians thought those Polacks are really dumb.
- The sun says "stop posting retarded shit on Uncyclopedia about me" then turns purple for five seconds, and has butt sex with hitler.
- Hanna Barbara is created by Tom Barbara and Jill Hanna on June 12.
- The KKK was the "in club" for White suburban middle-class Christian men, esp. the threat of an Irish Catholic man from Boston may be elected president.
- Barbie's ragine begins when the Vietnam War becomes Anti-Communist.
Also in 1959
- Brooklyn died when the Dodgers left town a year ago and all the white people left 2 years later.
- Anaheim is born when Disneyland opened 5 years before and the Angels came to town 6 years later.
- Oakland was granted a football team. Black and white uniforms symbolized the race-mixing went perfectly well in the left coast...for awhile anyways.
- The Giants baseball team went to California also, but in San Francisco.
- In 2010, Anaheim is dead when the last white people left...and Brooklyn was reborn when the yuppies took control of the 'hood. The Angels suck after their 2002 world series victory against the San Francisco Giants (2010 world series champs). But the Dodgers never returned to Brooklyn, the Angels will be L.A.'s team again...and the Oakland Raiders (for awhile L.A. Raiders) are GOOD!
- 1959: first world series in west coast (L.A. Dodgers), last world series for Chicago (them White sox)...until 2005. The Cubs sucked the whole time. The Giants had to wait for their turn.
- This year was a very eventful year, but everyone was high, so we can't remember what the hell happened.
- January 1 Kanye West (aka Stinky Poo Toilet) is born in Chicago, Illinois to his now diceesed parents, Johnathan and Shirley Toiet .
- The Sultan of South Carolina Ernest Hollings brings 20,000 gallons of Everclear to CockArena to kick off CockFest I the largest party in University of South Carolina history.
The year 1960 was directed by David Lynch, and although this is little known, the month of November 1960 was in fact guest directed by Stanley Tucci, who had just been born. Some people think this may be a myth, but everybody else knows better. The year 1960 was one of the biggest productions in history, with several billion actors. However, the record has since been broken many times over. 1960 took approximately fifteen minutes to make (some say exactly, but we will never know for sure).
As with many David Lynch movies, the story didn't seem to follow any linear nature. For instance, the northern hemisphere started the year as usual in winter, whereas the southern hemisphere started it in summer. This strange shift continued throughout the year, and nobody knows why, since as usual David Lynch won't reveal the meaning of his stories. 1960 was a very eventful year, and the script was certainly much longer than the average script. Stanley Kubrick was called in to do the science fiction bits. Akira Kurosawa helped out with period detail for Japan.
- The Twilight Zone airs "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street," which would later form the basis for a spin off series All in the Family.
- Sonny Curtis is defeated in a fencing duel against the third Law of thermodynamics.
- Planing begins to launch Plan B from Outer Space in 1961.
- The CAFTA treaty is signed by Mickey Mouse the Great, Fidel Castro, and Anita Bryant.
- Bob Dylan forgets to comb his hair. Effect lasts 50 years.
- Both the hippie and the angry embittered army guy come into existence in this year, thus paving the way for the rest of the decade.
- The original Psycho movie was released leaving everybody truamitized until 1961.
- The 1960 U.S. Census commemorates a golden age of America: about 190-200 million Americans were around: 90% white, 9% black, 1% "other" like Orientals, Hawaiians, Alaskans, Injuns, Hindus and "Puerto Ricans". About 80% of women never worked/held a job, the percentage of young people under age 30 was over 50%, and in religion: approximately 95% are Christians, about 2, 3, 4 or 5% Jewish, Black Moslems, Beatniks, Pagans and Atheists.
- Mexicans were included in the "white" category, but are just as foreign-born like the "French Canadians" began their weird separatist phase in Quebec, Canada and then the "Chicanos" began to imitate, yo' for reals, being a "nationality".
- January 1 the Hippie period begins, since it is a new decade.
- Part 2 of New Years Paniponi Dash starts.
- As the Prophets predicted, it came True. the Great One, Wayne Gretzky is Born in January 1961.
- 50 years until 2012, a much bigger disaster.
- John F. Kennedy took office as US President.
- He did not get shot and killed.
- Jackie Kennedy took office as First Lady.
- She did not get shot and killed either.
- Lyndon Johnson did not get a surprisingly quick promotion to President.
- He did not get shot and killed. There is a trend developing here.
- NASA astronaut Alan Shepard lands on Mars to great critical acclaim, then returns to Earth with the band The Laziest Men on Mars.
- Topless swimsuits and dresses were not "the latest fashion".
- Some idiot gardener with a funny acchent acts in some not-so-exciting movie called Dr Snow - not to be confused with the EON spy thriller of roughly the same name
- Mary Quant did not introduce the miniskirt.
- February 8 - Plan B from Outer Space fails yet again. It is the last Plans from Outer Space to be attempted.
- Pac-Man had sex with an elephant thus producing the first Pachyderm.
- Andy Warhol synthisises the first quantity of Obnoxious Plastic...
- "Plastics, think of it, plastics, they are the future." said Mrs. Robinson's ex-husband, whom left the money for a young college student to...seduce him. ;-)
- Edward B. Lanket developes the first blanket as a radical new drug.
- Jon [[MayheW 926-1961]] now turn that upside down and look at it!!!!
- jesus celebrated his 1,961st birthday along with all the other jesi.
- This unusual cancellation of an entire year was both the result of political pressure by futurist lobbyists, and the increase in consumption of Canadian Beer worldwide. It is for this reason that 1962 is considered the "Hangover Year". It was turned into a major feature film by Sergei Eisenstein who left his signature style all over that year which was otherwise completely irrelevant to human history. Important stuff happened in the ant world however.
- The first VinDieselian is supposedly stolen by Troy Waters.
- Rules are invented by Microsoft.
- the Beatles got a hit.
- So did Mickey Mantle.
- August 1, 1962: Spiderman is born in New York City.
- 1962 was the only year in the 1960s in which no Kennedy men were killed.
- Another Jack Kerouac siting. This time he was a fat forty year old man having sex with Jane Fonda and spawning Conor Oberst at Big Sur in California.
- Most importantly of all, 1962 saw the film "Lawrence of Arabia" and the rise of Omar Sharif to international superstardom.
- Jesus eats lots of food this year.
- Some stones started rolling.
- And China. And China.
- Beach bums take over much of Southern California, rendering it uninhabitable for decades.
- The world cup of soccer event held in Chile, and you thought the FIFA decision to hold it in Qatar 2022 was a dumb move.
- France lost Algeria in a war. LOLZ. The French suck at war, but good in one thing: they surrender.
- South Africa voted to leave the British commonwealth of nations, because the Brits told the white Afrikaaners to play nice...and they were like "Get Bent".
- The number 1 song of the year is "I Can't Stop Loving You (Without A Restraining Order)" by Charles Ray.
- Elvis starred in a few movies.
- Marilyn Monroe dies of a butter fat overdose at age 36.
- Mississippi Burning...California Dreaming...and America Booming.
- People started liking the Beatles more, due to an increased production of incest babies.
- Sexual Intercourse, better known as Quentin Tarantino, invented and discovered itself. Discovered and invented. Invented and discovered. And there was much rejoicing.
- Shortly afterwards, Hippies were invented, along with the idea of mixing Sexual Intercourse with drugs.
- Not long after the rise of Hippies, effort was stoned to death.
- Doctor Who first aired, the day after some lamer died in Dallas (Bobby? JR?)
- Andy Warhol pens the script for a cartoon about the lives of multi-colored adolescents. He calls his creation "Doug." Only a month later, however, the script is stolen from his home by ninjas.
- Goatse was invented.
- The year when Cookie Monster found out that he didn't have a penis anymore. Although some critics believe that it wasn't the Cookie Monster that lost his penis, but it was actually Your Mom, whom before this was like Your Dad, only more heterosexual.
- Ronald McDonald made his debut on 50 years of commercials to promoted childhood obesity, until McD's announced the character's retirement in 2010.
- Krusty The Clown makes his first appearance on American televison, some critics said he wouldn't last a week. It was later confirmed in 1992 that they're all dead.
- Tomorrow actually came. Huh.
- Oxbow Lake introduced in the United Kingdom.
- Some bastard in Detroit built the particular Dodge Dart that 18 years later would make my life a living hell.
- Chuck Norris saves JFK from the super-bullet, but fails when JFK's head explodes after seeing it.
- Leonardo Da vinci wrote the first dialogue-script for Titanic.
- it was in the summer of '63...life in the northern town.
- Frankie Valli gets laid in late December.
- The Kentucky Derby is won by Chateaugay, the first openly homosexual horse.
- Julia Child is the first cannibal to actual eat a human child on national TV.
- Marilyn Monroe's ghost is reportedly seen attending the 1963 Butter Fat Convention.
Ah 1964, everybody remembers it unless you were born in 1810.
- Beatlemania! Around the time when Chet Baker fans were greeted by the distinct scent of teenage girls' urine in a concert hall after the hysteria of a Beatles performance.
- In this year, football was made legal and giant flesh eating moths were introduced to keep people from enjoying it too much.
- February 11 - The brain of Sarah Palin emerges from a hollow coconut in a dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and seeks a human host.
- April 17 - Maynard James Keenan is born in Pyongyang, Patagonia.
- April 11 The University of South Carolina completes construction of the Cock Bowl which is a 117,600 seat architectural masterpiece considered the greatest building ever built by National Geography and Time Magazine.
- July 12 - Art Garfunkel raises an army in Seattle composed mainly of collegiate students and invades the Washington capital of Olympia.
- July 14 - Art Garfunkel dies from genital herpes. Power in Olympia is returned to the people.
- On Dequimbar the sisty fith, a new calender was made. Everyone agreed it was shite.
- August 21 - Fargo, ND: A trebuchet fired a canister containing a rare sample of chocolate milk into the stratosphere. The canister failed to exit the atmoshphere, and fell back to the earth, creating the nation of Estonia.
- Barry Goldwater runs for president, promising to nuke America if elected. The only states that fall for this are his own Arizona, out of habit, and the (white-controlled) states in the deep South, thinking it would get rid of the black people.
- New York launches a World's Fair with the theme "Big Tires and Belgian Waffles Go Together".
- Jesus plays with the Beatles at your house.
- No. 1 song - "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" - The Beatles, marks the beginning of America's descent into madness.
1965 is the only known year in modern history where absolutely nothing interesting happened. So boring that it was later given the nickname "Year Of The Bore", 1965 had terrible consequences for the following years. In 1966 almost 42,000 in the US alone died from boredom related illnesses, including restlessness, catatonia and hitting the snooze button until death occurred. The war between Great Britain and the Faroe Islands began the same year on the grounds of wanting "to shake this place up a bit, y'know?". The conflict was settled in 1974 with a soccer match won 3-2 by the Faroe Islands on golden goal. In 1965 however, nothing happened.
- To stay alive people listened to the Beatles. It is recorded that the Beatles prevented 14,000 sucides and countless people from dying of boredom.
- A horrific fire in Goosetown, Calisota kills 350 workers. Because the fire was started by a Communist mob, everyone acts like it didn't happen.
- A young boy who will one day become Johnny Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls was born. The people suffering the beatles will eventually be saved by this man.
- The Sound of Music becomes the first ever movie musical to successfully result in more than 2000 eardrum explosions
Things that did not happen in 1965
- No sporting events were won.
- Apes did not develop advanced civilizations and rise to challenge mankind as the master race of earth.
- France did not asplode.
- The above statement is false. They attempted to surrender as the bombs hurtled towards Paris.
- John Lennon played guitar with his ass, and smoked Elvis's grass....
- Neither did Holland.
- The leader of the USSR was not caught in bed with the American first lady and her younger hotter sister.
- No one important died, no one important was born. (including Ian McClain)
- No new Kool-Aid flavor was introduced.
- Children did not start to ask why.
- Black people began boycott of kool-aid, right after they already stopped eating fried chicken.
- The Beatles announced "They were bigger than Jesus".
- Booties were not shaken, neither were bon-bons nor milkshakes.
- Sex was not had.
- Poland was not forgotten but no one would have cared even if they did.
- People were not discoing down on the dancefloor.
- La vida loco was not lived.
- The Vietnam War hoax.
- There were no defectors in East Germany.
- Texas did not declare independance.
- North Korea did not bomb South Korea.
- Ford refused to read the automart.
- Jupiter refused to pause in it's orbit of the sun.
- The Doors didn't become one of the biggest bands of the deacde.
- The Tofu War did not begin in Mongolia.
- December 25 Sultan Donald S. Russell is assassinated in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina during his famous "I had a dream that faggots all killed themselves" speech.
- James Brown does not have the #83 song of the year, "Papa's Got a Brand New (Punching) Bag"
- John Lennon said that more people knew the Beatles than Jesus. America thought he was comparing himself to the Jee-man as a person. They got mad and started to commit arson on every music shop that ever sold the Beatles records. In this horrible year for Beatles fans (which, in America, were collected and shot in the face in a mass genocide,) the band quit touring.
- 1966 was the year WW6 happened. It was China vs. Taiwan in the ultimate battle. Jamani was dead by then, so they weren't there, but there was Toe Jam. Toe Jam came, kicked Mussolini out of office and took over China. Then America came and joined the party *random party music*
- 1966 was of course the year that England won two World Wars and cheated their way to victory in one World Cup thanks to a blind Russian linesman, although it was a home win, and everyone knows they don't count. Manager Alf Garnett's winning team, Led by Roger Moore, Beat Germany 3 and a half to two. Among the winning world cup squad was John Lennon, Charlie Croker, Mary Quant, Dougal from Magic Roundabout, Roy of the Rovers and A Russian Linesman who scored the winning hat-trick.
- Last known year in which everyone's parents had carnal knowledge of one another. Yetch!
- The Sercian War begins, sparking a three year civil war in Sercia.
- Japan launches its magical girl program, headed by witch Sally Yumeno.
- The first Super Bowl is planned, but nobody shows up.
- It was cloudy, with a slight chance of rain late in the afternoon.
- The Cookie Monster is busted for drug trafficking in New York.
“Umm... I don't know what you're talking about.”
“Neither do I”
- MC Lamchop is born in June 6.
- The Los Angeles Dodgers lost their first post-Brooklyn world series, boo hoo hoo.
- The Los Angeles Lakers lost another NBA championship to the Boston Celtics (it's been that way over and over again in the 1960s).
- Star Trek invented. The Internet now awaits the invention of porn.
- Hitting the charts with "Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind", "Summer In The City", and "Daydream", The Lovin' Spoonful becomes the first of many popular bands to be named for the male ejacualate.
- Here comes the Hippies!
- First Summer of love.
- Love-ins are everywhere, more like having sex in public.
- "This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius..." although most astrologers said it was in 1969 (ha ha ha, 69).
- Notice the connection here? 6-6-66 = the end of the world (finishes up in 2012).
- Marilyn Monroe is briefly resurrected to deliver a forewarning: "There will be no butter in the future."
- Suicide rates rise among butter-enthusiasts, fat people, and the Berenstain bears.
1967 hippies were granted the right to run the government for one year, making it the year of love, everywhere. Peace, brother.
- Jim Morrison becomes a back door man. People rejoice.
- The Almighty Gordon Frohman was born.
- The Soviet Union attempted to catch up to American space efforts by launching several men into low Earth orbit with a gigantic slingshot located in Siberia.
- Often referred to as: "The year that was eight years after 1959, and two before 1969".
- Hippie Music became more popular, exemplified by stoner Jim Morrison's really awesome poetry set to music by members of the band "The Doors".
- San Francisco was chosen to host the Summer of Love, a type of counterculture Olympics featuring events such as psychedelic drug use, promiscuous sex, prolonged voluntary unemployment, and the very popular Marathon of Not Bathing.
- England lose the World Cup to The Tartan Army(otherwise known as Celtic FC), Led by William Wallace and the celebrated Scottish Golfer Dennis the Outlaw. The Tartan Army won by destroying their goalposts so the English couldn't score any goals.
- The Great Soccer Revolt occurred, led in part by the execution of non-soccer fans in Spanish-speaking countries.
- Clear Channel is started by fluffy bunnies and furry kittens as a means to make mankind happy.
- Ohno retires and is succeeded by Legendary Dude.
- The Pirate Liberation Organization, a terrorist group, is formed in Disneyland. Later that year, a PLO protest turns violent in an that comes to be known as the Battle of Orgreave.
- Birth of crime-fighting actor David Hewlett.
- John Walrus releases his hit song, "I Am the Lennon".
- Daisy Duck and Admiral Donald Duck are married.
- Burt and Ernie rob a bank in downtown Chicago. Two bank clerks and 1 policeman are killed in a shootout. Burt and Ernie made it off with $3.6 million dollars in cash but would later be caught by police. They would later skip bail and hide as performers on a childrens TV show.
- San Francisco becomes a deadly place with the rise and spread of hippies during the summer of love.
- Kurt "Mc Happy Pants" Cobain was born.
- The Cockroaches (eventually to become the ever-popular Status Quo) play their first live gig in London.
- LSD guru Timothy Leary invented the Bottle Cap Stick Shaker Thing whilst high on Scotchgard™.
- The Monkees have the number 1 song of the year, "I'm A Believer". Americans continue to get less intelligent.
- Doctor Evil is pursued to 1997 by Austin Powers.
Ninja-assassin year belonging to the 1960s. Under conflicting social pressure from various special-interest groups, 1968 went a little nutso, fell in with a group of ninjas, and proceeded to kill and assault various students and celebrities until finally being taken out by 1969 in Times Square NY.
People attacked by 1968 include:
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
- Robert Kennedy.
- Andy Warhol (who did not die of his wounds until thirty years later)
- Helen Keller - Dragged into the afterlife screaming her hands off.
- The Vietnamese village of My Lai (American soldiers high on opium).
- Daffy Duck while flying south. He would recover from his wounds and would go on to play for the NBA.
Some other stuff that went down in 1968:
- During the war of 2112,Black Sabbath was one of few bands to fight along side Rush.Near the last moments of the war,
Geezer Butler and Geddy Lee both played a bass line so awesome that Hitler was distracted,then Geddy Lee killed him.But then all of Black Sabbath,sadly were banished to hell by a Necromancer and Boris the Spider.But they became a nuetral state,so they toured both Heaven and Hell,until 1968,where they were brought from Hell during their eternal tour,and formed a rock band.
- Heavy FUCKING Metal is invented by some guys messing around with amps in Birmingham.
- June 6 - Sweden declares war on Norway "just for fun".
- Scooby-Doo was born in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
- Consumption of Boiled Ham became legal in Ireland.
- China attempted first Lunar Landing but mis-read the instructions on the rocket and ended up putting two astronauts into orbit around the Eiffel Tower.
- Mickey Dolenz of The Monkees took time out from touring with the band to publish a scientific paper postulating the existence of the Higgs Boson.
- Elvis canonised by the Roman Catholic Church as the patron saint of the pelvis.
- Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade starts riot at SUNY Plattsburgh.
- Donald Duck is kidnapped by radical elements of the Pirates of the Caribbean.
- Th. W. Adorno destroys all things.
- The Good, The Bad, and the Swansea is released.
- 15 June - Admiral Tansley and his navy carry out The Bombing of Guano. This swings The Sercian War back in General Juncal's favor.
- George Herbert Walker Bush has anal sex with a freshman William Jefferson Clinton at Yale University.
- British communist Comrade Neil Clark defends the ending of the Prague Spring by Soviet troops as winter is his favourite season.
- Mexico had summer olympics, while college students rioted by generalismo military police and Mexicans began to jump over the border ever since.
- France goes freakin' apeshit.
- California was the place to be, man.
- Walt Disney and anime geek Edwin Fuck, release Spider Riders, an obscene anime series based on Charles Dickens' communist propaganda published 10 years earlier. Nobody watched it despite an online game and several manga comics about it. Spider Riders got an award for having the most cross dressers in 1972 and another award in 1990 for being the least viewed anime series in History and finally in 2007 for having the most awards for the least viewed anime series in history,but won the 2010 sexual fetish media awards for featuring trans-gendered "female" spiders pregnant full of Asian mulattos (in drag) raping a young 10-year old boy in a wheelchair pooping himself.
- Sergio Mendes and Brasil 66 cover "Fool On The Hill", if possible, an even more bizarre rendition than the Beatles original.
1969 was the best year ever, man. Don't believe me? Check out the albums released in 69.
- Helen Keller jokes surface.
- The Hotel California serves wine for the last time.
- John McCain discovers he's a masochist.
- February 30- Date is later found to be fictitious.
- April 11- Satan invents Disco, only for the invention to be rejected.
- April 12- Satan first teaches America how to get their funk on.
- Poppin' Fresh poops all over an interstate and a little used side-road.
- May 17- To the shock of many, it was discovered that a deaf, dumb and blind kid could sure play a mean pinball.
- June 1-August 28- 9 year-old Bryan Adams has best year of his life. Buys his first real six-string at the Five and Dime, starts a band but they break up when Jimmy quits and Jodi gets married. He spends his nights at the drive-in where he meets you, and on your mama's porch you tell him that you'll wait forever.
- June 30 - The Sercian War ends and General Juncal takes power.
- July 1 - San Franciso, Haight-Ashbury: all hippies rounded up and put in prison because of proven suspicion of the tasting of "vinegar" of some sort. Plus, they were hippies.
- July 5 - Hugh Laurie becomes the first man to walk on Pluto, closely beating Brad Pitt who had to wait for the IRAC after his engine overheated just before reaching Saturn.
- July 7 - Brad Pitt lands on Uranus.
- July 9 - Brad Pitt becomes the first man to take a shit in outer space.
- July 10 - Brad Pitt finally reaches Pluto.
- July 20 - Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to land on the Moon and The best-selling computer game Grand Theft Cosmo was released.
- July 21 - Some other guy figured out that the "going to the moon" was a hoax.
- July 22 - The government launches conspiracy "Area 51", where they caught the people who figured out about the hoax and turned them into aliens.
- July 27 - A young Glenn Beck suffers severe brain damage caused by autoerotic asphyxiation.
- August 4 - Macgyver in Space begins.
- August 15-17 - Woodstock I (the prequel to Woodstock IV - VI) is released. The Beatles don't play. People still get stoned though.
- Ted Kennedy, DUI, fell off a bridge and has forgot his girlfriend, cute (was preggo) to be rescued from the bottom of the Chappaquiddick strait.
- Charles Manson, self proclaimed messiah hired 5 brainwashed bimbos to kill some people in the LaVianca Mansion in the Hollywood Hills. One victim was Sharon Tate, hot (was prego) wife of director Roman Polanski who wasn't present (and was in France datingg 13 year olds).
- And in Woodstock, some drugged out nude hippy chick (and was preggo) played in the mud with a few men she doesn't know.
- What's with preggos in 1969? Oh yea, the "new age" is when a special baby is born.
- Autumn - San Francisco Exhibiton of marijuana-inspired mindless drivel.
- November 10 - Sesame Street is first aired. The show would be host to several dangerous criminals including Bert, a suspected terrorist, Ernie, a convicted pedophile, Oscar the Grouch, a homeless man convicted twice of sexual assault, possession of marijuana and grouchiness, The Cookie Monster, a cookie addict, the Count, a suspected rapist and vampire, and Grover-- a convicted drug trafficker.
- Nov 12 - Sid Meier invents the theory of The Third Civilization.
- Nov 13 - Mr. T. while traveling through time, throws several people hella far.
- Nov 14 - A giant rainbow space monkey hits Satan over the head with a bottle of wine,Satan passes out.
- Dec 13- Satan loses battle of evilness to Yoko Ono (uncyclopedia readers' ears bleeding).
- Dec 15- The United Nations General Assembly unanimously and unitarianly imposes a worldwide ban on suicide by mindless drivel, and imposes a death penalty to support the ban.
- End of Baby boom after the previous summer.
- Men began to have sex with preggos to see if her labor will not hurt.
- Also home movies of childbirth was the rave in dinner parties.
- Dr Dre - Rap artist and surgeon.
- Pooty-Tang - Statesman and Cereal Manufacturer.
- Procrastination - Nine months have passed since the death of effort, and Mary Jane's child, procrastination, finally got around to being born.
- Patchy the Pirate - Cartoon Network Icon (Illegitimate child of Minnie Mouse and Daffy Duck, despite "mutual love partnerships" with Mickey and Howard the Duck).
- It was all about peace, love, lots of sex, drugs and rock n roll.
- "Now all this talk of preggos makes sense" - Sigmund Freud, psychoanalysist of the 1960's, observing from heaven.
“People die every time we do this ”
1970 was the year that marked the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.
- "Hippies! They are all around me. They scare me...and smell bad." - Eric Cartman, having a typically far right wing reactionary bigot's worst nightmare.
- The sun invents disco. It is then racked with guilt, and kills itself, only to come back as a zombie.
- The first, and last, Annual Guardsmen vs. Hippies games are held at Kent State University.
- The Lower North Middleton Pie Riots begin after legislation to ban the consumption of pie in the city fails.
- The Worldwide release of the 69th Carry On film, Carry On Film.
- Punctuation is invented; and subsequently: misused and abused!!!
- Hermann Goering stops off in Birmingham, England on his way to the future for a Slurpee. After being attacked by Ozzy Osbourne and the rest of Black Sabbath, Goering soundly defeats them with his physical prowess and martial arts skills. Ozzy and company apologize to Goering and write the song "Iron Man" in his honor.
- Mary Tyler Moore divorces Dick van Dyke and moves to Minneapolis.
- The sum of all the digits is 17 which is a completely useless number unless you are planning to kill the Preserved African Swallow in which case you will need the number for no particular reason either. Oh, fuck off.
- Mickey Mouse the Great dies. The ensuing student demonstrations, called “Fantasyland Spring” lead to end of military rule in Disneyland and the beginning of democracy.
- Roger Daltrey becomes President and names the deaf, dumb, and blind boy Tommy his Secretary of Pwning Everyone at Pinball and Doctor Who his Secretary of PseudoScience
- Smurf Jim Tayler is Indicted for manslaughter and assauLt and Battery on Michael Jordan.
- Architect Frank Lloyd Wrong is born in Hoboken, New Jersey.
- Sarcasm invented and used with disastrous results.
- Timothy Leary sells his patent for the Bottle Cap Stick Shaker Thing to Frito-Lay for $500 to fund his newly-discovered drug, Jenkem.
- Paul McCartney announces that the Beatles have disbanded, a cyclone in Bangladesh kills 500,000, and the Dow Jones drops to 631. Coincidences, or Satan?
- George Harrisonm moves to Bangladesh, preaches peace instead of war between Hindus and Pakis and Bengalis (who look like Hindus but are not them nor Pakis).
- Ringo Starr is still around (and the only beatle alive, since Paul is dead).
- Nearly none the first 3/4 of the year due to the popularity of the previous years invention. The coat hanger.
- While the 1/4 are homebirths by hippie parents invite their friends over to smoke weed and a bunch of long-haired freaky guys watch some naked woman in a bath tub give birth to a baby, cuz "it's natural, man." The beginning of the "Generation X" from then on to 1984, the unluckiest generation out of all.
- Yoko Ono gives anal birth to Sean, John is a wussy pussy "house husband".
- Hand cream magnate, Plasmatic is born in northern Norway.
- Dick Clarks great grandson, Kippy the Great is born.
- Kevin Smith springs from his mother's vag in Red Bank, New Jersey.
- Khan Noonian Singh (not the new age religious spiritual counselor, 7-eleven store clerk, computer tech specialist, used car salesmen, private practitioning foot doctor, dunkin donuts franchise manager or special education therapist).
- a Salesman.
- Michael Jackson enslaves all the little boy hippies in Neverland, causing the rest of the hippy population to go extinct.
- Jimi Hendrix dies because he rocked too hard during a show. He also saved 10% on his car insurance by switching to GEICO.
- Attempted Births
- Bill Gates First attempts to submit plans for a company he calls Microsoft. Fortunately, these plans are horribly rejected burned, ripped up, TERMINATED, turned into a mutant form of plasma, then eaten by an eagle.
- January 1 the Hippie period ends, since its a new decade.
- and people moved out west, just like the "land rushes" of 1881...
- and also moved to the deep south, reversed the "Great migration" trend.
- January 19 In the Sultanate of South Carolina, Duke of Yorkshire John West becomes the Sultan of South Carolina.
- February 5 The College of Charleston and Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC) receive $12 trillion each from Sultan John West to fund a state project called GeneticallyPerfect which is devoted to genetic modification of fetuses to make them into perfect humans.
- March 24 MUSC develops a computer powered by an organic brain.
- In 1971, the British Empire lay in ruins. Foreigners frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians. (Not the streets — the foreign nationals.)
- The Treaty of Orlando is signed, creating the Mickey Mouse League, an empire that in the ensuing decades would create a global entertainment monopoly.
- July 3 1971, Jim Morrison is found dead in his bathtub in Paris of a heart attack or blood loss. Either one really. Thus passes the only person with the ability to end a Ray Manzarek keyboard solo.
- The theory of Egocentrism is first introduced by me.
- September 4th, 1971: Elvis gets a paper cut. (see also Bob Marley's death from a cut on his toe in 1981).
- Timer The Cheese Guy is created.
- Joss Whedon invents the theory of time travel and the theory of killing off hot chicks. One of them got away and had Barak Obama.
- Earthquake in L.A., the San Fernando Valley. The astrologers were right on the "big one" but California hasn't fallen into the ocean like they said.
- An Occurance at Owl Creek Bridge occurs.
- Jeremiah was born on October 19. A glorious day indeed!
- November 1 In the Sultanate of South Carolina, researchers and scientists in charge of GAYdar at the College of Charleston, warn of a terrorist attack of unimaginable proportions within the next 6 months.
- December 3 The Charleston Stock Exchange collapses in a 98% free fall, on news that a nuclear weapon would detonate in The Sultanate of South Carolina.
- a 6 pound meteorite struck the home of Robert and Wanda Donahue in Wethersfield, Connecticut. Al-Qaeda in Pakistan claims responsibility.
- and it happened again to their neighbors in the same town in 1982!
- Notable as the year Billy Ocean turned 22.
- 1972 has not been seen since and anyone who thinks they may have seen it recently should immediately get in touch with their local police. You should not approach 1972 directly as it is considered to be armed and extremely badly dressed. Also it might still have a twenty-two year old Billy Ocean inside it, and you don't want that in your head.
- March 11 The 3,009ft tall National Loan & Exchange Building is destroyed when 2 DC-10 filled with C-4 are flown into it by the gays, 20,290 die.
- RedEleventh the deadliest day in world history begins.
- 106,592 die in the riots that lasted 16 hours.
- 141,572 gays were killed by the soldiers of Fort Jackson.
- During The University of South Carolina football spring-game 125,000 people are killed when the gays demolished the Cock Bowl.
- Sultan of South Carolina John West kills 135 gays himself.
- The Sixties-est of years.
- Wales invades Iceland. Oddly, Iceland wins, thanks to weapons made of sharpened corn cobs.
- Sharpened corn cobs become illegal in the U.K.
- Release of Bunfight at the O.K. Tea Rooms, where tea time is served.
- Saw the BBC use the word lesbianism, but only once. It had nothing to do with Billy Ocean whatsoever.
- Pedro is elected as a write in candidate to the office of President of Mexico. He also captures Speedy Gonzales in this year.
- The Miami Dolphins become the first NFL Team to go winless during a season (They lost all 14 games). They also scored no points.
- a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
- John Wayne Gacy begins a life of philanthropy, later founding a children's hospital.
- Bobby Fischer beats Boris Spassky in Reykjavik, then rips his head off and pisses down his neck.
- Billy Ocean was the DJ of KHJ "soul radio" of L.A. back then AM radio was the thing. :-/
- Think of Everclear's single hit "AM Radio".
- The Progressive Rock movement reaches it's peak; 20 minute songs dominate the charts.
- April 8 - Jill Scott was born.
The Year of Our Lord 1973 AD,The Year Of Exorcism and was the central year of the Early Middle 1970's.
"1973" by Tahiti Boy & the Palmtree Family, but the song was made in 2008. Warning: Not for anyone on Acid.
- Jan 2, 8:00 AM: After months of excessive training, Legendary Director Alfred Hitchcock begins his journey to reach down and try and touch his toes.
- Jan 17, 9:23 AM: American President Richard M Nixon was secretly raped by an animatronic puppet under the control of CIA clinjas.
- Jan 17, 10:03 AM: An experimental program was introduced in Detroit Michigan to make American automobiles suck. This program proved so successful that, by 1978, it had been proposed as an amendment to the US Constitution.
- Jan 17, 10:07 AM: The category "Smacks" was removed from the Five Food Groups, which were later renamed "The Four Food Groups" in August.
- Jan 17, 12:40 PM: Bismarck, ND was devastated by a freak nipple storm which buried entire city blocks, ground traffic to a halt, and stranded livestock in the public libraries for several weeks.
- Jan 17, 5:05 PM: The South American country of Argentina is sold "for parts or repair" at a garage sale in Washington.
- Jan 17, 5:06 PM: American President Richard M Nixon, having fully recovered from his traumatic encounter with the CIA puppet after intense psychiatric therapy, proclaimed victory in Vietnam.
- Jan 17, 5:07 PM: James Blunt writes a song, and then travels back to the present.
- Mar 8, 4:20 PM: Pink Floyd launches a pre-emptive attack against Disco with their album Dark Side of the Moon. MGM re-edits The Wizard of Oz to sync up with it.
- Mar 12, 3:02 PM: Future dictator of the Middle East and Asia, Ricardo Montalban is created in a test tube by evil Dianetics scientists.
- June 1, 11:00: Pres. Richard Nixon in a recorded phone call with Vice Pres. Spiro Agnew: referred to Henry Kissinger as a "Jew", Jesse Jackson as a "Negro" and the South Vietnamese allies as "Gooks". What a racist he was.
- Sep 1, 22:30: Birth of Hubert Canon.
- Sep. 11, 12:01PM: In Chile, president Salvador Allende blows his own brain out instead of surrounding to a bunch of SS-troopers hired by military henchmen Augusto Pinochet, with support by "Tricky Dick" Nixon and the CIA to prevent a "Commie" government but installed a "Fascist" to protect freedom and kill off any "liberals". All those mass graves in the desert, dead bodies wash up from the ocean, and prison camps in Patagonia, all the wishes of a die-hard anti-Communist conservative.
- Oct 26, 12:34: Your dad almost goes to fight in Egypt, but is discharged for being a dumb fucktard.
- Wings becomes a "Band on the Run".
- Dec 26: The Exorcist is released and the world becomes a better place.
- Paul McCartney eats a cookie...
- Paul McCartney drinks tea with that too.
- Paul and Linda do it, the cookies are hash and the tea has a "herb".
- Jesus writes Quadrophenia and gives it to Pete Townsend and The Who to record.
- O.J. Simpson becomes the first to run for more than 2000 yards in a season in the NFL. Turns out his teammates told him that the law was coming.
1974: The Day the Earth Stood Still:
What follows is the history of the year 1974, a year that each and every human being was forced to live through twice. Yeah, you heard me. Twice. Think about it... didn't it seem like 1974 lasted forever and ever? Yeah? Well there you go. Told you. And this is why.
1974 started off like any other year. But events were to unfold that would change the course of history... forever. Someone set us up the bomb. During these 365-odd days the Earth was destroyed, rebuilt, and destroyed again. Millions perished in volcanic fire, giant tsunamis, or meteor impacts, only to be reborn instantaneously and forced to go through it all again. Continents shifted, reshifted, scratched their collective crotches (I think Europe's runs through Marseilles) and shifted back again. Gods were created, forgotten, avenged, and then finally pwned by the penultimate cosmic realignment. What follows is the only surviving record of these turbulent times, in time-line format for easy viewing. The second time everyone went through all of it was called 1974.fish.
1974 was the birth of Motoko Kusasaki from Ghost in the Shell.
--attention to the faint-hearted—This history is graphic in nature and really really intense. Even Rufus from Bill and Ted is too much of a wimp to read it all. If you're pregnant, don't read this, and console yourself with a pack of cigarettes in rapid succession. If you're brain-dead, you'll probably be fine. Speaking of cigarettes, anybody got one I can bum off of them?
1974 is also known as the year in which the entire city of London exploded, constantly for a year.
- Jan 1st - Dick Clark and Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev rang in the new year in a celebration worthy of such an important occasion, spending over 74 million dollars on the llamas alone. Such a spectacle will never be seen on this Earth again, as all the llamas were wiped out in the Llama Purge of 1992.
- Jan 2nd - As backlash for using that many innocent llamas for personal gain, PETA staged a protest, over thirty strong, outside the ABC network offices in Boise, Idaho. Seen at the march were such modern visionaries as Callum Johannsen, Arnold Guttman, and Skip Bogdanovich. Sadly all of these men were wiped out in the destruction, and never re-integrated.
- Jan 3rd - Boise Metropolitan Police Commissioner Jake Jakewood is killed in his home while drinking beer and watching the game from his toilet. The city is up in arms after two exciting events in two days, hitherto without precedent in Boise, maybe even Idaho.
- Jan 4th - Idaho suddenly begins to receive media attention from small Asian countries, who claim they had never noticed it on the map before. Exchange rates between potatoes and Japanese yen skyrocketed.
- Jan 5th - While on a trip to the supermarket, Richard Nixon notices the prices for a sack of Potatoes have all been marked in yen. Frustrated, he approaches the clerk and proceeds to beat the ever loving shit out of him. Failing to receive a decent explanation, he leaves the store in a huff and jumps on the red-line to the USSR.
- Jan 6th - In a little tobacconist's shop in Galway, Ireland (actually the one right in front of the UCTABTSSG), inventor Elijah Otis is struck by a cigar box and suddenly figures out how to produce cold fusion. He jumps on a plane for London to report his discovery.
- Jan 7th - PETA headquarters in rural Cheyenne, Wyoming is chosen for a live nuclear test by the President Richard Nixon. Wait, he's not the president!
- Jan 8th - An Earthquake of magnitude 7E/Alpha on the Goiter Scale hits Eastern Russia. Potato production is completely halted, as the state-run gulags basically split open and everyone ran out of them naked yelling "Ach! Mein tisch!" Potato prices skyrocket so much that they have to invent a new word for sky-rocketing, "tropospherically-accelerating".
- Jan 9th - Gerald Ford, actual president of the USA gets wind of crazy Nixon's plans to nuke PETA, and bitch slaps him on national television. This is seen as a sign of weakness by the evil Canadians who take the opportunity to invade Idaho and occupy the potato fields to hold them for ransom. Canadian Prime Dictator Ernest Borgnine is said to have left a message with Ford's secretary, stating "OMGLOL PWNED!!1!one!"
- Jan 10th - David Bowie, sensing a disturbance in the force, rushes to the Canadian capital, Ulaan Bataar, to negotiate with the government there.
- Jan 11th - The Battle of Northern Idaho begins and thousands of soldiers from both sides are slaughtered as the Canadians get shot, and the Americans crash their helicopters en masse.
- Jan 12th - Some of the escaped Russian gulag prisoners form an autonomous collective whose sole purpose is to worship an abandoned missile silo in eastern Kamchatka.
- Jan 13th - A group of American soldiers, failing to crash their helicopter, actually land behind enemy lines and set fire to the large stores of back bacon the Canadians had held in reserve, destroying their resolve and forcing a hasty retreat.
- Jan 14th - Massive protests sweep Geneva, Tel Aviv, and Basildon decrying the ruthless and vicious American burning of innocent back bacon. In what became known as the night of a thousand whines, groups of hippies and/or Europeans managed to burn over 4 American flags with minimal self-incendiation.
- Jan 15th - A misguided aircraft originally flying from New York to Washington DC crash-lands in Russia. Russia then unloads its massive nuclear arsenal. Of course since this is 1974, everyone lives and the world hardly takes a scratch.
- Jan 16th - January 16 was totally uneventful.
- Jan 17th - George W. Bush is born and immediately starts planning for world domination.
- Jan 18th - Every single coat hanger in the world explodes, simultaneously. We are still unsure quite how this happened.
- Jan 19th - The many organisations of Liberal Terrorists each take credit for the coat hanger explosion of the 18th. However, all their stories of how they did it conflicted, and they were immediately sent to Venus.
- Jan 20th - George W. Bush, at the tender age of 3 days 0 days, owns up to the coat hanger affair, claiming it to be merely childish prank, and is forced to go without dessert.
- Jan 21st - The King of England Margaret "Trout" Thatcher finds a shilling in a car park in Rochdale. She weeps upon being told it's of no value, and annoys the community to the extent that she is given a probation order and forced to go without dessert.
- Jan 22nd - The circumcision of the pseudo-Jesus by the name George W. Bush.
- Jan 23rd - Epiphany. The world is doomed.
- Feb 1st - Nothing happens. The nations currently under reconstruction breathes a collective sigh of relief.
- Feb 2nd - Nothing continues to happen.
- Feb 3rd - A newspaper article is released denying reports of nothing happening. The newspaper contains nothing else of note and is duly ignored.
- Feb 4th - Something happens, but everyone is so used to nothing happening that it is not noticed, drawing historians to now wonder how they knew something happened in the first place.
- Mar 4th - Some lunatic thought of flying a plane into the US capital or white house or the pentagon first, wanted to kill Nixon but was shot dead by airport security in Dulles, Virginia.
- Apr 4th - Tornadoes sweep the USA, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- May - We ran out of oil.
- June - Nixon thought about invading and occupying Iraq first.
- July 26 - Genevieve Gorder, an interior designer for the The Learning Channel's television series Trading Spaces, in Minneapolis, Minnesota .
- August 9 -- Richard Nixon abdicates the Presidency to claim the British throne.
- August 15—Karl Marx met Charles Chaplin.
- August 16—Unix day, first UNIX system was invented by Sam Hui.
- August 20 - a depressed mood ring commits suicide.
- Sep 3rd - God reborn (his name is still withheld from the public).
- Sep 4th - Neil Armstrong rides the mighty moon worm and declares himself first Emperor of Mars.
- Sep 7th - Neil Armstrong finds many fields of spice and officially declares himself the spice king.
- Sep 12th - Neil Armstrong quickly stripped of his spice king title by The Spice Girls in a terrifying and bloody coup.
- Oct 20th - The Oakland A's (A is for Asshole) wins three-straight world series title (and nobody cares), riots break out all over San Francisco.
- Nov 3rd - Pontogo was released to the public.
- Nov 4th - Pontogo was pulled from shelves.
- December 25 - Richard Nixon is crowned Richard III of the UK.
Wobbly, uncertain year conveniently serving as the centerpoint of the decade popularly known as "The 70's." A bland, vanilla-flavored year, 1975 snuck in so quietly as 1974 faded that no one really noticed it was here until sometime in February.
- The Queen of England reached her first orgasm.
- Dungeons and Dragons was officially released, replacing masturbation as the favorite Saturday night pastime of geeky fantasy/SciFi fanboys.
- The Beatles reunite with new member Bill Gates. They have a new hit "I Am the Gates."
- Al Gore invents Gore Tex whilst searching for the internet.
- Ford Motor Company redesigns the Pinto, changing it from an inexpensive, moderately reliable form of basic transportation to the world's first four-passenger explosive device. Unfortunately, the detonator is placed behind the rear bumper and requires the impact of another vehicle to ignite, leading to massive recalls and the eventual discontinuation of the model.
- Earthworm Jim is born on June 9.
- By-tor and the Snowdog both fight over the Styx River. Neil Peart wins, then he Flys by Night into the Fountain of Lamneth. Geddy Lee starts to go bald and Alex Lifeson visits Lakeside Park.
- The sun invents disco dancing.
- A realy horroble thing happed it was so horrible that nobody remember what it was.
- Jehovah's Witnesses thought the world was expected to end in 1975.
- and it turns out it didn't end.
- A Necromancer kills disco dancing.
- Colchester is chosen for the site of a macabre experiment to test the effectiveness of replacing disruptive childrens' brains with a mixture of coco-pops, calpol and tangled guitar strings. All children became bent double, immediately grew lots of body hair, dragged their knuckles on the ground, practised fellatio with bananas every day and stood on the Barside at Colchester United F.C.'s Layer Road stadium every other Saturday afternoon.
- NASA launches the Viking 1 probe to Mars, but the crew stops off at the Moon for a little pillage and rape, become disoriented, and wind up veering off into Uranus.
- The Pope releases his best selling Live!: From St. Smurf'ss Basilica in the Land of Far Far Away album. It was an earth-shattering 23 side album. This album was sold in boxes lined with fur made from muppets.
- The Human race is exterminated by the Kittens using iPods. Statistics show Kitten-related human fatalities skyrocketing while Kitten huffing loses popularity.
- Michael Jackson appears to have been born this year. Unrelated to the human race exterminatioon, he decolorates into transparency.
- On January 17, 1975 Choirs of angels sang in glorious praise as slack, Unclyclopedia's greatest, and best-looking contributor was born on the windswept steppes of Illinois. Twelve monkeys chose to commit suicide several feet away.
- The O'Brien Death Camp opens.
- Amusement park Vietnam Adventure! closes. Its most popular ride, Jungle Cruise, closes as well. It's second most popular ride, Log Flume, remains open for several more months; a couple lights are left on and some guy who looks trustworthy is given the keys to the bathroom.
- February 22 - Drew Barrymore is born.
- Tamia was hatched.
- July 4 - The beginning of the end begins.
- General Franco dies in Madrid, after a 41 year rule. Enjoys several pancakes.
- Ninja Pirate Island holds first democratic elections, bake sale.
- Whore Pirate Island is founded by the Pirate Prostitutes of Paris.
- J. B. Nilsen is born. The inventor of the double-bent pen with a firewire port.
- Eggs go on strike.
- Mountain Dew is invented; as expected, college students discover lesbianism.
- John Travolta invents Kelly Ripa.
- Missing person turned America's most wanted by the FBI, Patty Hearst has her brain screwed by man-hating butch dykes and she robbed banks (and smiles at the bank security cam), then gets arrested and spends a decade in prison.
- Jesus celebrates 1,975 years of being alive. He gives the Bee Gee's a disco ball, the rest is history.
- Bill Gates somehow gets his plans for Microsoft approved, and the world is simultaneously brought into a new world era of computers, and carelessly thrown into a black pit of confusion, annoyance, and general insanity.
- People at first Praise Bill Gates for his spawn of Microsoft.
- God doesn't like this...
- Mick Jagger introduces 20 foot inflatable penis to joyously ride on during the Stones' '75 and '76 tours (still denies rumors that he's gay).
- In this year the Inuits invaded svalbard and this war was called the "Battle of svalbard". The Inuits lost the war because so many frankfurters were coming to the island, making it a real bitch for the Inuits to invade the island. It is a well known fact frankfurters are a huge obstacle to soldiers. This was also the only war in 1976 because Serbia decided on no war on this year. They failed at this.
- It only lasted 24 hours, but it worked: 9 days after OXI (no) Day in Greece, Athens finally said NAI (yes) and partitioned from Greece, which later became Ionia. However the Greek President at the time did not let them go without a fight, but it was the heorism of Liana Stahnke, or Liana the Marx that drove them out. Athens was communist at par with the GDR until 1990, followed by a monarchy until 2004, then a federal government from then.
- It marked the 200th anniversary of the whittling of George Washington's false teeth. Said teeth were used to bite a Spainard.
- America seen nothing but crap over the past 200 years.
- Although world history marked several important events that year, none of it is remembered in the US, because the entire year was declared a national holiday. People dressed in silly Colonial costumes, boiled their underwear to clean it in imitation of the Pilgrims, joined Fife and Drum corps and wrote all their personal correspondence on parchment paper to celebrate. So much Grog was consumed by the people of the US that the hangover lasted well into June 1977. Also, this was the year that Rocky wrestled Apollo Creed in a vat of mayonaisse.
- Genesis's seventh studio album (and eighth overall), "A Trick of the Dick" is released, making Peter Gabriel go "WTF? THIS ALBUM OUTSOLD 'SELLING INCREMENTS BY THE POUND' AND 'THE LAMB IS FUCKED ON BROADWAY', AND ALL OF OUR PREVIOUS ALBUMS, THE BEST ALBUMS EVER BECAUSE THEY HAVE ME ON THEM??? WTF IS THIS FUCKING SHIT? FUCK!" He then punched a hooker. Gabriel has been the mortal enemy of Phil Collins ever since. Trick is such an awesome album that the world ends at the end of Los Endos because the album was designed to pwn the world and all who listened to the album. The next album, "Wind & Wutherfording", did not chart because there were no charts for it to chart on because the world had blown up, idiot.
- The decision is made to destroy New York. The reason for doing so was because Billy Joel went forward in time and witnessed the Attack of the 500 foot Jesus, and asked the government to spare New Yorkers this agony. The government obliged, blowing up bridges, burning churches, and getting corupt unions to evacuated citizens to Florida. However, a massive public outcry forces the government to rebuild the state, at the expense of trillions of taxpayer dollars, showing just how frickin' corupt they really are.
- Patti McGuire appears in the November issue of Playboy magazine. A 1600% increase in fapping causes the earth's axis to tilt an additional 0.073 degrees, delaying global warming 30 years.
Rest of the World: 1976 was an unexceptional year for the rest of the world, with the exception of New Zealand where rabid sheep attacks reached an all-time high in suburban Wellington. Plus, some guy with a harelip got lucky.
- United Kingdom: due to the hot summer, water was banned and everyone had to drink warm beer. Nobody noticed. Linda McCartney has hot flashes (eeewww).
- France: the Gallic Shrug became the official National Sport.
- Kyrgistan: entered the Guinness Book of Records as the most mis-spelled country in recorded history. Second place went to Kkkrbbbert.
- Denmark: lost out to Sweden in the World Pornography Championships for the third year in succession, prompting protest marches and several cases of rug burn. This ultimately the fall of the Government.
- The last time "Beans!" was used as interjection. Credited for this act was Oscar Wilde, who was rumoured to be homosexual at the time.
- Angola: income from tourism remained at an all time low as travellers around the word resolutely failed to find it on a map.
- Australia: Bruce and Sheila threw some prawns on the barbie and cracked a tinny. G'day!
- Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God: Ruled the discos of the World with an iron fist.
- Finaly the Elder Race returns to the galaxy and destroys the Solar Federation.
- Jorge was conceived in Denmark by two women and a large cache of weaponry.
- Sponsored by the Green Party, The Eco-Squad is formed by Mervil Comics. They proceed to punch hookers at an alarming rate.
- Ireland: Leprechauns invent U2.
- Queen released a follow-up album to the one which featured "Bohemian Rhapsody". Queen declares it will save some struggling fool's career some time in the future.
- Orson Welles directed the film Logan's Gun. At this point, he was severely bisexual.
- The Great Debate began in Elko. By the time it ended in 1993 everyone forgot what started the debate, so they all went home and bought Apple Computer stock.
- Donegal discovers sin. And it feels sooooooooo good.
- That 70s Show begins, Fez is forced to act straight in front of the camera, and does a poor job hiding his raging homosexuality. Donna grows two inches over the course of one episode.
- March - Chelsea Charms, a genetically engineered life form used to grow skin and blood vessels for organ transplants, is created by French geneticist Dr. Jean-Pierre Queittenhauffier.
- April - The Minotaur is born in Crete.
- June - Travis Walton was proven insane in court aobut his "alien abduction" in Arizona.
- July - 1976 claimed to be the hottest year in all of History. It allegedly became so hot in mid - July that the world officially ceased to exist between July 17 to July 21. These days are generally referred to by Politicians as "Week X". Its claims were promptly disputed by 1988, 1999, 1938, and 67 million BC; the causes of the nonexistence of the week are also controversial. Some scientists say that Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter's hot air were the cause, while others say that it was US Bicentennial fireworks.