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Events of 1991
- January 16 - Aileen Wuornos greatly advances the Feminism movement by confessing to the murders of six men.
- July 22 – Jeffrey Dahmer starts a wildly popular diet plan. Unfortunately his notoriety is cut short when his dining establishment is shut down for Health Code violations.
Fairies riot in celebration. Mordor demands independence, but Aragorn of Lithuania vetoes this. Denethor of Latvia goes crazy and attempts to burn his son out of jealousy for being better at Stewmaking than him. Orcs spill over the border of Lithuania.
- September 5 - joint forces of Latvia and Lithuania defeat the orcs using the infamous Latvian dish piragi.
- September 11 - Aragorn sues Poland for bribing the Scots to mimic his victory, the unoriginal copy unsurprisingly having occured a century and a half ago.
- November 7 – Los Angeles Lakers point guard Magic Johnson announces that he has HIV, plans to start a new career as an author of sex manuals.
- December 25 - Despite strong objections from Jesus himself, as well as every other Christian on this date, the worst rock band in the history of music, Helmet, are signed to Interscope Records. People from all walks of life celebrated a special holiday on this date, too. Most commonly known as the Christmas Holiday Passover Kwanzaa. It was so widely adorned, that it went on to spawn a whole slew of other various holidays, as well. To name them all would be virtually impossible.
- December 26 - The Grand Union of Soviet Socialist Republics is disbanded. People all across the 15 mighty Soviet Socialist Republics cry as the red flag descends from the Kremlin for the last time. We take this time to remember what we had. From Stalin's moustache to Khrushchev's shoe, the Soviet Union will truly be missed.