|2002 WBA Bloodbath World Cup|
Кровиванны 2002 Кубока мира
||16 (from 75 entrants)
The 2002 Bloodbath World Cup (officially titled 2002 WBA World Cup Mother Russia, sometimes referred to as the Bloodbath World Cup or just the World Cup) finals took place in Russia between 16 June and 17 July 2006. Qualification for the tournament was completed in December 2001, with all
22 18 16 17 16 competing teams confirmed.
The tournament was a veritable gore-fest of battering, flattening and splattering, with the world's elite Bloodbath nations coming together to participate in the third Bloodbath World Cup.
The 2002 event was hosted by Russia, much to the surprise of the Poles. In June 1990, they won the rights to this over Germany (
because we kicked your ass in Great Patriotic War who will host the Bloodbath World Cup in 2006), Poland, Canada (eh?) and Kazakhstan, oh, and the unimportant island tribe of America.
||Peter the Great Field
||St. Petersburg Saints
||Das Arena of Death
||the Dark Side
The following teams, shown by seeding, qualified for the Finals. The number in brackets is the country’s seeding for the tournament. Qualification was decided based on knockout stages: a large melee match in which all 75 of the world's professional Bloodbath-playing nations took part. The survivors progressed to the final stages in Russia.
The number in the brackets is the number that they ranked in the qualifiers. The rank after that in parenthesis is just some random number that I decided to put there for no reason whatsoever other than to confuse you.
Teams had to make it past the qualify round fought in december 2001 and january of 2002 in order to play in the 2002 Bloodbath World Cup. The top 16 teams in the qualifier moved on to the real deal.
- The powerful American squad dominated North America in the qualifiers, scoring 198 kills and suffering only 6 loses in continental play.
- El Salvador came from behind and shocked powerhouse Mexico (1998 Bloodbath World Cup Champions) by a score of 9-8 in a match that lasted just under three hours, eliminating the Mexicans who were expected to be a contender to go all the way even the in world cup.This was one of the most exting matches. And also suposdley bloody since the Champions did not qualify.
- Canada eliminated Angutia to the Final Round to play-off agansit El Salvador
- Bermuda eliminated Cuba with a record score of 5442186-0 with Bermuda Triangle scoring almost all the kills .
- In one of the biggest upsets (and surpises alongside with th El Salvador VS Mexico match) in the history of the sport, tiny Estonia eliminated powerhouse France in a match that lasted 10hours, 43minutes & 18seconds. Estonia beat France 12-10. Rioting in Paris ensued as a result of this.
- 2000 European Champions Ukraine was eliminated by rival Russia by a score of 2-1.
- Luxembourg, having eliminated many a contender, and thus qualifying to do battle with powerhouse Germany, decided to withdraw from competition for no apparent reason, just minutes before their battle with Germany was supposed to begin. Franz der Häßlich, captain of the German team, claimed that "(Luxembourg) is just a bunch of little panzies,und zhay vere too scared to do battle wizh zhe might of zhay powerful German Army." This infuriated zhem, I mean them, so much, that they reentered and took on Germany, and absolutely destroyed them 16-1. However, it was later discovered that Luxembourg president Ahjiksag Kahkafte paid Franz der Häßlich 100,000 euros and his eldest daughter if he would let Luxembourg win, and Luxembourg was eliminated rather than Germany.
- In one of the longest and bloodiest European battles in 4
decades days, Spain defeated and eliminated Italy. The match lasted 3:16:22:01 and the final score was 19-15.
In a combined Australia and Africa qualification:
- South Africa also unexpectedly withdrew from competition. They had clinched a spot in the World Cup, but for no apparent reason decided to withdraw. It was later revealed that the main reason for this was because the had lost all but two members of their team in a friendly-match against Antarctica. The South Africans actually won the match with relatively few casualties, but over 95% of their team was swallowed up by a giant whale on the trip home.
Groups were announced on May 31, 2002. They were chosen completely at random because I said so.
So ya, that's pretty much the way it goes. We divided the teams into groups, zhen zhe killings begin! Mwah-ha-ha-ha!
All times are what time it was in Moscow. (UTC +2)
- In the very first match of the 2002 Bloodbath World Cup, the States came out on top in a particularly gruesome encounter in which eleven kills were inflicted before referee Vladimir Petersburgski halted the contest after five hours and 4 minutes. The States attacked right of the bat and quickly got 4 kills. Japan, led by Tom Cruise, attempted to make a comeback, but it wasn't enough.
- The match between Switzerland and Turkey was a very close one all up until Bruno the Yoddler got another kill for the Swiss at 2:49. Atatürk and the Turks fought valiantly, but lost in the last minutes.
- In a big upset, Turkey knocked off America. The Americans attacked the Turks the entire match, but Atatürk led his "troops" to victory, holding off the attack, and attacking only four minutes before the match ended.
- In a bloody battle that lasted just four seconds under 6 hours, Switzerland and Japan tied 6-6. Bruno the Yoddler got three kills (again) for the Swiss, but out of nowhere, Pikachu put up a good performance for the Japanese.
- What was originally a highly-anticipated match turned into a complete blowout. The States came out firing on all cylinders, and the Swiss were powerless to stop them. Switzerland put up a good fight, but in the end they proved to be no match for the United States.
- Another highly anticipated match actually turned into a fairly good one. When all seemed lost for Japan, they used their secret weapon, Shintoism, and almost defeated Turkey. Yoshi played the match of his carrer, but it wasn't enough, and in the last minutes, Turkey defeated Japan 6-5.
- This crazy match began rather slowly, with everybody on both sides taking a nap for the first 2 hours of the match. Then, a random Estonian guy named Hhjiakshki woke up for four minutes and drank some vodka. Nobody exactly knows how he got three kills (because everyone was asleep), but he did. When it ended, Estonia actually had won it 4-3, but the scorekeeper guy miscounted Russia's score, and it's been called a tie ever since.
- David Beckham played a strong match in this one against Yugoslavia, kicking Yugoslavian team captain Franz Ferdinand right in the place where the sun don't shine...twice. Henry VIII also had a kill in England's 3-0 victory over
- In one of the most one-sided matches in the history of the Bloodbath World Cup, Russia absolutely annihalated Yugoslavia 15-1. Anastasia, Vodka, Joseph Stalin, the Russian Bear, Rasputin and <insert name here> all scored at least one kill for Russia, and 4 Yugoslavians even committed suicide because of how bad it was. Wow!
- This was a rather boring match in which Johnny Depp scored the one and only kill of the entire match. That's all I have to say, because this summary is about as boring as the match was.
- In an alright match that wasn't quite the best in the entire history of all time, Russia defeated England 2-1 with yet another boring summary.
- In the final match of a disappointing Cup for Yugoslavia, they weren't defeated as bad as they were against Russia, but they did have another person commit suicide. Oh, and Estonia didn't do too bad either.
- The very first match of Pot C was a good one between Germany and Ireland. Bono scored 2 kills for the Irish, both of them being domeshots to German team captain Franz der Häßlich. It was a good match, but in the end the Germans came out on top.
- Canada came out firing on all cylinders in this match, showing absolutely no flaws as they beat China 4-0 after just 1:19...of course it does help the fact that the Canadians cheated and used a snow plow, but we'll just overlook that fact.
- The worn-out Chinese, playing just a single day after their disastrous
match ownage against Canada, were completely and totally pwn3d against the powerful German War Machine, 12-2. Rammstein played a particularly good match, scoring five kills for Germany.
- Bono was a no show in this match, calling in sick with the flu just minutes before the match was to begin (in reality he really went fishing). It didn't matter much, the Irish still crushed the Canadians 4-0 with yet another boring summary.
- Canada nearly became the first country to beat Germany, but then again, they are Canada, so with the exception of hockey (maybe), the Canadians suck at everything they do (eh), so they only tied Germany rather than beating them.
- Yet again, Ireland was without Bono due to "the flu", but even without him, Ireland, a rather undeveloped bloodbath club, was able to take down the mighty Chinese team. The efforts of Jackie Chan, who kicked Kelly in the face in quite literally the last minute, were not enough for the Chinese to win.
- Well, Scotland tried, but they weren't quite good enough.
We Brazil even gave Scotland a head start, starting off the match with an Own Death, but still we Brazil was too powerful for the Scots.
- The Israelis really put on a show in this one, with Israeli team captain Moses parting the Spaniards like the Red Sea. Moses later commented "That never gets old!" Adam and Eve did their all-famous "streaking routine" again, in which Eve walked right in front of a random Spaniard. Eve then lured him over to Adam who hit the Spaniard on his dome with a frying pan.
- Brazil just completely and totally lit up the Israelis in this match, scoring eight kills within the first two hours. Of course Jehovah did intervene and score 6 kills within two minutes for Israel, but we'll just forget about that part.
We Brazil still won, and that's all that matters.
- "Los Conquistadores" were pretty much not there in the match (except for El Cid), I mean there were there but simultaneously there weren't there. Nevermind. Jon Willingham (who ironically is English rather than Scottish) had a good match today, but so did El Cid for the Spaniards. It ended after only 10 hours and 53 minutes with a tie score.
- Brazil scored another Own Death in this match against España. Nobody cares about Brazil anyways. Hey, are you from Argentina you little blankety blankety blank blank blank you? Ya, well what are you gonna due about it? Oh you want to go? Bring it on. Okay, I'll see you in the parking lot...We interrupt this lovely conversation for an important news bulletin. A study conducted by scientist from the University of Arkansas recently shows that 97% of non-Brazilians in the world don't care about Brazil. That is all.
- In one of the longest and
nicest bloodiest matches yet in the 2002 Bloodbath World Cup, Scotland and Israel both tied. Moses parted the Scots in this one, but the Scots, led by Jon Willingham came back and made a good one out of it, wish that this summary was as good as the match, I'd win a Nobel Prize!
After a bloody group play round, the play time was over, and it was time for the eight teams that made it, America, Turkey, Russia, England, Germany, Ireland, Brazil and Israel, to get serious.
|Friday 7 July 2002
|Own Death, Blanka (5), Pelé (3), Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Vasco da Gama, Some Random Brazilian Chick, You
||Joseph Stalin (3), Borat (3), Rasputin, Anastasia, Vodka, You, Me
- This was a brutal match between the Russians and the Brazilians that lasted for over 14 hours and resulted in 25 deaths (not including the audience). The Russian crowd was brutal towards Brazil, as they kept shouting (in Russian of course) "Nobody cares about Brazil!" and other stuff, getting in the "
Soccer Football Holligan's" grill all night. We The Brazilians still put up a good fight, and barely won it, eliminating hometown hero Russia.
- This was also a brutal match between powerhouse America and underdog Israel that lasted 20 hours. Even fought on "American" soil in Anchorage, Alaska, it was called a draw after 20:00 and for the very first time in World Cup history, a match was decided by a shootout. What happened was all players lined up and shot at each other with randomly loaded muskets. Israel just edged out America 30-31, eliminating the Americans.
Ha ha, too bad for you!
|Wednesday 7 July 2002
|Henry VIII (5), David Beckham (5), Jones (2), Johnny Depp (2), You
||Oscar Wilde (3), Qui-Gon Jinn (3), Bono (3), Kelly (3), Brinnon (2), Jack Daniels, Jon Willingham
- This was an extremely interesting and exciting match between hated
rivals enemies England and Ireland. The match also lasted nearly 30 hours. The Irish finally got a chance to pay-back England for the hundreds of years of captivity that you did to us...I mean them. At 25:28, the Scottish team, although eliminated, randomly charged into the fray and starting killing English at will. These kills were not counted for Ireland or against England. We Éire still won despite this.
- This one wasn't quite as good as the other three, but it was still a good one as Turkey eliminated Germany. Although the
game match was pretty good, this summary is not.
- Although it was
supposed predicted to be Brazil versus Germany, Turkey pulled off the upset and as a result got to play Brazil (some reward, huh?). Turkey almost pulled off the upset in this one too, leading 6-2 after 7:25, but then Atatürk went down critically wounded for the Turks. After this the Brazilians absolutely annihalated the Turks. The game ended 12-6 Brazil.
|Tuesday 11 July 2002
|Moses (5), King David (3), Adam and Eve (2), Saladin, Me, You
||Penalty (2), Oscar Wilde (5), Qui-Gon Jinn (5), Kelly (2), Jones, Stevens
- In a battle of underdogs, Israel barely defeated Éire 13-12. The Irish were just too stubborn
(and drunk) to give up. Ireland technically won it, but they committed two penalties (not at the same time), and so they barely lost. Ireland also lost their three best players (other than Bono who caught malaria) towards the end: Oscar Wilde, Qui-Gon Jinn and Kelly. Oh ya, Israel played a fairly good match as well.
The two teams that lost in the Semifinals get one last chance to take Bronze.
- In the third place battle, Turkey (without their best player, Atatürk,) defeated Ireland (who was even more shorthanded then Turkey). Yet again, the Irish just wouldn't give up, but in the end,
it doesn't even matter it wasn't enough. Bono was able to play in this one, but went down at 3:46 after only 2 kills. Ireland's last great player, Jon Willingham also went down just minutes after Bono. The Irish survivors, as Oscar Wilde randomly lived, said it wasen't even worth a try to defeat Powerhouse Turkey, who would later go onto win the UEFA Euro Bloodbath Championship 2004.
- The Finals pitted undefeated Brazil against underdog non-undefeated Israel. The Israelis were looking to avenge
us Brazil for their 8-6 victory over them back on June 23rd. Rivaldo (as always) had a strong match for the Brazilians. Moses "parted the Brazilians", and Adam and Eve did their famous "streaking routine" again...twice, but it still wasn't enough for Israel to bring down the World Champion Brazil.
Gold Medal- Brazil (World Champions)
Silver Medal- Israel
Bronze Medal- Turkey
Not-Quite-As-Important-but-Hey-It-Counts-For-Something 4th Place- Ireland
MVP: Atatürk of Turkey (he beat Blanka by .001 of a vote)
"Brutality Cup" (awarded to the nation with the most overall kills): Israel (52)
"Other Brutality Cup" (awarded to the nation with most kills in group play): Russia (21)
"Band-Aid Bowl" (awarded to the nation with most loses in group play): Yugoslavia (23)
"Wrist Slit Trophy" (awarded to the nation with the most own death's): Yugoslavia (5)
"You-Got-Knocked-the-Fuck-Out Trophy" (awarded to the nation with the most amount of kills in a single match): Ireland (16 versus England on 7 July)
"Loner Cup" (awarded to the nation that nobody cares about): Brazil and Estonia, but mostly Brazil
"Fair Play" Oscar Wilde and Bono
"Pumpkineater Medal" (awarded to the nation that cheated (or tried to) the most): Canada
*Note, Darth Maul missed the first five matches for Turkey, playing only in the last Turkish match against Ireland. He was in prison, released the day of the match versus Ireland. He was killed in the very last minute by Brinnon. Since he only played in one match, he was not allowed a spot on the all-star roster.