“2010 is a year.”
2010 is a typical year which began without fanfare on Friday, January 1st, 2010. It was quickly adopted by islands in the South Pacific, and Australia. Asia, Antarctica and Africa later followed suit, along with parts of South America. Much of Europe, the Pacific U.S. coast, and the U.S. state of Hawaii never accepted the new-fangled year, preferring 2009, or even 2002, on the principle of "Fuck you, futurists of the past, for making us think we'd have flying cars by now."
- January 1 - One crappy decade ends, and an even more crappier decade begins.
- Jaunary 4 - The Y2K bug is finally stamped out, with a giant shoe.
- January 6 - Uranus is renamed Pluto to put an official end to all the vulgar jokes. The planet formerly named Pluto is renamed to an unpronounceable symbol.
- January 26 - A jobless single woman living with her parents and her six children gives birth to an octopus. The octopus goes on to predict the winner of the FIFA World Cup.
- January 29 - The Australian government bans the depiction of women with breast sizes smaller than an A-cup in pornography films. Australian men everywhere give the new law their full support, saying it is "well-rounded".
- February 7 — Super Bowl XLIV is played before a worldwide television audience of several people, and 100 million Americans. As of 2020, approximately one person remembers that the final score was New Orleans 31, Indianapolis 17. Good on you, Mr. Peyton Manning.
- February 13-28 - Vancouver, in British Columbia, Canada, hosts the 2010 Winter Olympics, and the Canadian men's ice hockey team blasts the U.S. team 3-2 in overtime. Canada is so beside itself that it becomes Greenland.
- The Good For You Party bans Chocolate in Australia except for specific medicinal purposes.
- March 24 - Rush Limbaugh continues to exist.
- March 25 - Glenn Beck, surprisingly, also continues to exist.
- May 1 - April Fool's Day is celebrated a month later than usual, when a terrorist places a giant bomb in the middle of Times Square in New York City. Shortly afterwards, a flag pops out with the word "BOOM!" written on it.
- May 13 - Obamacare is passed by the U.S. Congress, giving U.S. citizens the right to pay more money for something that they still won't get.
- May 13 - A film starring Will Farrell that doesn't blow massive donkey balls is released. Three people see it.
- June 11 - The 2010 FIFA World Cup begins in South Africa. The United States fails to give a shit for the 80th straight year.
- July 10 - An army of billions of Dutch zombie soldiers arrives in big orange spaceships and makes everyone wear turquoise colored clothing.
- July 11 - Spain wins the 2010 FIFA World Cup against the Dutch. They celebrate by drinking until their banking system looks sustainable.
- July 31 - Sweden and Finland end their separation by renewing their wedding vows. Europe decides to hold onto the couple's children, Norway, Denmark, and Iceland, for the time being.
- August 27 - My neighbor is caught digging through my trash again. As punishment, I pray for Buddha to give him ass cancer.
- September 11 - An infamously sexually-forward space alien masquerading as a garbage man murders 142 innocent bystanders with a four-iron.
- October 1 - Sonic The Hedgehog suffocates in meth cloud.
- November 1 - The San Francisco Giants steal the World Series of Baseball from the Texas Rangers, and are told to "put it back".
- December 31 - George Clooney's smugness grows so great that the universe spawns a wormhole near Alpha Centuri to let off some of the steam from his head.
- December 31 - for the 109th straight year, THERE ARE STILL NO FLYING CARS.