December 21, 2012

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Close up of the Doom's Day asteroid just before striking Earth (Computer simulation by Carl Sagan)
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“Get legs!”

~ God on his T-shot just seconds after the Earth lands in the center of the Galaxy Country Club's 18th green and rolls into the black 18th hole

“Everyone speculates about Black Holes, but on December 21, 2012 you'll all see that the cosmos is actually a huge golf course! And Earth is just a ball laying in the rough. We wont get hit by an asteroid, it'll be a 9 Iron”

~ Carl Sagan

“Well, it's not going to be THAT bad”

~ Captain Understatement on December 21, 2012

December 21, 2012 is kinda interesting 'cause it's the "end of the World", or somethin'. You know, everybody starts puttin'-out all these bad vibes, and the Earth overheats and explodes - like, that would be gnarly-to-the-max! A major bummer.

This is not to be taken seriously, however, because it was ONLY predicted by a few quacks, viz., Nostradamus, Cibyl, The Bible, NASA, Mayan Calendar, Merlin, Houdini, Joan or Ark, Timothy Leary, Sid Vicious, William Westmoreland, Ann Landers, David Copperfield, and Roland Emmerich ... and not to forget the Hopi people, who accurately predicted the rise and fall of the dinosaurs, as well as the rise, and subsequent second coming of Ron Jeremy in the 2002 film Back by Midnight.

Based on these rather dubious sources it is reasonable to assume that everything is going to remain as fucked-up as it already is - or maybe a bit MORE fucked up because of people like Al Gore who openly, shamelessly promote Global Warming. However, just to be on the safe side, you better get your shovel and start digging. Be sure to take along a lifetime supply of poontang, or enough to last for the several million years it will take for the Earth to recover.

Big fucking rock knocks the shit out of Earth

Contents

[edit] Primary Method of Destruction

The core of the Earth just freakin' explodes for no damn reason other than it being mothafuckin' Dec 21, 2012, as was foretold by Uncyclopedia in 2009. Uncyclopedia are staunch supporters of the "Holy Shit!!" Organization for 2012 doom's day quacks.

[edit] Other Methods of Destruction

Pluto gets revenge on Earth.

Other possible methods of apocalypse include,

  1. Planet Niribu (Planet X) will crash into the Moon and the resulting blast will destroy the nearest star, Venus, thus wiping out Islam,
  2. A Six Iron, which we initially mistake as an Asteroid, will strike the Earth going 200,402,000,110 miles per second. The resulting impact will hurl the Earth to the center of this Galaxy for a perfect "black-hole-in-one". God tips his caddy, and shoots "0" on eighteen holes (Black-hole-in-ones are counted as a "0" stroke, and God got 18 in a row),
  3. Pole Shift caused by shifting poles. THIS will make a hell-of-a-mess on the surface, so, again, start digging (down, stupid! - I don't know where? Try your back yard!),
  4. Sun's huge Gamma Ray Solar Blast strikes the Earth and fries every living being and non-being. Don't worry, it's just temporary,
  5. Meteor the size of a golf ball strikes the Earth at three billion times the speed of light, resulting in the entire Solar System bursting back into primordial soup. Only the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) survives,
  6. General Grievous accidentally calls Darth Vader a "Jedi scum!" resulting in a MAJOR disturbance in the Force, as if 6 billion voices suddenly cried out,
  7. The Y2K12 Computer Bug will infect the world with the deadly Y2K12 Virus that is only transmitted by contact with any girl's tits,
  8. The Incredible Hulk gets so angry he turns into Jack Bauer, who, in turn, gets so angry that the Universe explodes,
  9. Angry at being demoted to a Dwarf Planet, Pluto gets it's revenge by striking Earth,
  10. Stupid Ivan in Russia pushes the wrong goddamn button,
  11. Dumb Billy-Bob in USA pushes the wrong goddamn button,
  12. Twit Nigel in UK pushes the wrong goddamn button,
  13. Idiot One Hung Low in China pushes the wrong goddamn button,
  14. India and Pakistan both push the RIGHT goddamn buttons,
  15. Morons in North Korea wish they HAD a wrong-goddamn button to push,
  16. Iran wish they knew what a "button" looked like (there is no mention of "button" in the Koran),
  17. God gets miffed and flips the “el-destructo” switch. Allah tries to stop Him, but it's a No Contest, or
  18. "Imagine, if you will, that ALL THE ABOVE HAPPEN AT THE SAME MOMENT."---Rod Serling

[edit] Why December 21, 2012?

THE END! God shows what He really thinks of us.
  • Because Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson's in a 'transitional period'!
  • Google says so! YouTube says so! Uncyclopedia says so, fool!
  • Because dumb-ass America voted for "change".
  • Someone found the prediction in a fortune cookie.
  • Nostradamus was so certain that he left behind some cryptic drawings.
  • Jack Bauer cursed the screen writers of "24" to die on Dec 21, 2012.
  • Dr. Kevorkian will be released from prison on that date.
  • On a stone-carving the Mayan's end their calendar on THAT day.
  • Because God will get the stupid chain-letter email and delete it then.

[edit] Inscription

Only a single Maya inscription, “Tortuguero”, directly mentions the end of the 13th baktun, which corresponds to Dec 21, 2012. It has been defaced several times over, though Mayan scholar Clubber Lange (Mr. T) has attempted to imagine a translation:

Tzuhtz-(a)j-oom u(y)-uxlajuun pik
(ta) Chan Ajaw ux(-te') Uniiw.
Uht-oom ...
Y-em(al) ... Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta

TRANSLATION: "Listen up, fool, on December 21, 2012, yo, yo family, and all yo mothafuckin' friends can kiss MY fancy ass good bye." and further, "Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta" means, "Ain't gonna be no rematch!"

The Mayan calendar was a bit hazy on the past, but clear on December 21, 2012 (pictured in the center).

[edit] Galactic Alignment

Ringo Starr's book, The Secret Teachings of All Ages, inspired further speculation by George, Paul and John in the mid-1970s, noting the relationship of December 21, 2012 with the winter solstice. This date causes the Galactic Alignment - when Earth passes through the Dark Riff, and THAT's, mega cool, like a Judas Priest power chord. Unless 'shit happens' that's a serious bummer, like the fuzz show up, or somethin' gnarly.

[edit] The Dark Riff

According to Rockologists, such as Dick Clark, the Dark Riff was actually, "Purple Haze", or, maybe, "My Generation", or "Smoke On the Water", or "Train Kept-a Rollin'", or "Beat It", or "Hell's Bells", though the commonly accepted version is "Sunshine of Your Love," still it is actually, "Back in Black" that's the real Dark Riff. What rock music has to do with December 21, 2012 is anyone guess. Maybe that's a great day to hold a "We Are the World" free concert at the Great Wall of China!?

[edit] Dissemination

Interest in the 2012 doomsday prediction has spread rapidly in recent years as a result of a groundswell of Internet sites and blogs, as well as numerous books and television series on the subject. Everyone is like, "Holy SHIT!!!" The old Motown hit, "No where to run to, baby, no where to hide!" Is permanently at number one on Billboard.

[edit] Movie

The new film 2012, directed by Roland Emmerich and starring Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson, Don Martin, Paris Hilton, and Cheech and Chong, is scheduled for release on Dec 21, 2012[1]. The movie is about a farewell party thrown by Emmerich with all the above named taking turns with Paris Hilton (Person) on the night of Dec. 20, 2012. The film's budget of $600 million is considered by Emmerich to be, "cheap at twice the price!" - for the chance to fuck Paris.

[edit] History Channel

Anti-Gamma-ray-guns stand on watch ready to counter any attacking Gamma-rays

Over recent years the television network the History Channel has played a major role in scaring the living shit out of everyone with their alarmist ideas of 2012.[2][3] In its coverage, it relates to the present day a number of doomsday prophecies derived from non-Mayan sources,[4] referencing (among others) predictions ascribed to the Hopi people, the Book of Revelation by John of Patmos, the Cumaean Sybil, the quatrains of Nostradamus (which specifically mention the end of the world[5]) and a version of the anonymous 14th-century Vaticinia de Summis Pontificibus that the History Channel has dubbed The Lost Verse of The Lost Chapter of The Lost Book of Lost-radamus,[6] as well as the prophecies of the semi-legendary Merlin, and Mama Shipton,[7].

[edit] Top Survival Methods

  • Emigrate to another Solar System.
  • Dig a hole to the center of the Earth and live on the beach.
  • Don’t! - Die like a man.
  • Don’t! - Die like a woman.
  • Don’t! - Die like a transvestite.
  • Accept Jesus as your "life boat" (which is no way to treat a friend! I mean, really!?).
  • Sit down, stick your elbow in your ear, practice Yoga, it's all an illusion (repeat this mantra).
  • Place a brown paper bag over your head lie on the ground and accept it

[edit] Be smarter than the apocalypse

“All those who die before December 21, 2012 will have the last laugh!”

~ George Carlin on December 21, 2012

Kill yourself before Dec. 21, 2012. All those who are already dead before Dec. 21, 2012 will be the ONLY survivors. Remember, when faced with the World's End, *death* is the best hiding place.

[edit] What will YOU do about it?

2012's top high-tech survival instrument
  • Sacrifice a virgin by throwing your mother-in-law into a volcano.
  • Go meet Joe Pesci face-to-face and tell him, "Spit-shine Tommy sent me!"
  • There are no other alternatives other than digging your own grave.
  • Remember old Chinese wisdom, "man who already dead cannot be killed!"
  • Moby Dick's "Queequeg" had the right attitude to adopt.
  • Study the "Bardo Thodal" or Tibetan Book of the Dead.
  • Rob the nearest bank and head for the "red-light" district (what could happen?).
  • Don't pay the IRS jack-shit! (in which case you pray for the freakin' apocalypse!).
  • How to know when the time has come? - LOOK AT YOUR CALENDAR, STUPID!
  • Put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye!

[edit] See also

[edit] References

  1. ↑ See the fictional publicity for the film by Sony Pictures Inc.
  2. ↑ See 2012, End of Days (2006), Maya Doomsday (2007), The Last Days on Earth (2008) Seven Signs of the Apocalypse (2008) and Nostradamus 2012 (2008) together with programs recounting past doomsdays: Comet Catastrophe (2007), Noah's Great Flood (2008) and Journey to 10000 B.C and compare Armageddon series. The History Channel (2008). Retrieved on 2009-05-01.
  3. ↑ Armageddon series. The History Channel (2008). Retrieved on 2009-05-01.
  4. ↑ Documentary program. 2012: End of Days. The History Channel (2007).
  5. ↑ See Lemesurier, P., The Nostradamus Encyclopedia, Thorsons/St Martin's Press, 1997, p.152; The Unknown Nostradamus, O Books, 2003, p.95
  6. ↑ Gruber, Dr. E. R., advice to the History Channel's producers delivered at their request, July 2007, republished in the Nostradamus Research Group October 2007, on the basis of a copy in his possession
  7. ↑ See the History Channel's Doomsday 2012. The End Of Days

[edit] External link

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