26 (number)

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There was once a world without numbers, in the historical period known as the innumerate or School era. This made deciding how many there were of an item a complete pain in the arse, and explains the primordial attraction of pairs in primal species. There are those who stuck to just using one thing but they were often ostracised as they'd go off by themselves to do it. When numbers were eventually invented, they weren't all brought in at once because that'd be too sensible, and the invention of 26 is an attribute claimed by many historical idiots.

A timeline of 26 and numbers up to it (Starring Jesus and a few other choice celebrities)[edit]

  • 2356BC - The Greeks lay claim to all the numbers up to the number 10, by using their fingers.
  • 2355.5BC - Jesus in his larval stage points out to the Greeks that they can only claim up to 8 because the short fat fingers should really have another name.
  • 2353BC - After a long chase, the larval stage of Jesus is crucified by the Greeks so that they can claim the royalties for 9 and 10. Jesus is resurrected in the form of a badger after a twenty year haitus that he can't officially count.
  • 2325BC - The word "thumb" is invented by a bored recluse and in-so-doing, receives 780 gold pieces a year royalties from the Greeks in order for the Greeks to claim 9 and 10. Due to 780 being an unofficial number, he actually only receives 8. In the same year, Jesus-Badger is killed by a passing chariot driven by Brian Blessed on crack.
  • 424BC - The Romans get cocky and invent their psuedo-numerical system and thus claim invention of XXVI. Italians will claim the invention of 26 ever since, but this system is rubbished by the international community for looking stupid. Irate Romans seek to conquer world to get the 50%+1 consensus needed for it to be accepted as fact.
  • 267BC - An anonymous polygamist Muslim Sheik who discovered oil before Exxon did lays claim to the fact that he invented 26 by being surrounded by 13 pairs and deciding to count them. He relinquishes his own claims after failing to explain to the world what 13 is.
  • 200BC - Jesus-Badger MK II claims invention of all numbers up to the cost of his Bartab. He is found by God to have accidentally inhaled Sarin from mouldy windfall apples (The Fruit of Knowledge for 5 years running). He tries to claim damages but no-one believes in him, thus resulting in his smiting by God for being a berk.
  • March 26th, 1BC - God starts looking at IVF clinics incase his latest immaculate conception plan goes mammaries skywards. Mary moans as usual.
  • 0BC/AD/Something - Year deemed not to exist due to lack of numbers due to their scientific, religious, and Oscar Wilde importance.
  • 245AD - The Romans and Greeks fight over their silly, namby-pamby ancient languages. This has nothing to do with numbers.
  • 1000AD - Chronicallers run out of numbers of centuries, but fears of the world ending are abated using a bottle of anti-vintage vodka and a bag of Scrabble tiles. This procedure leads to a ritual designed to mark the end of centuries to come.
  • 1012AD - Knights Templar are invented and start sifting through latin for numbers and porn.
  • 1098AD - 11 and 12 are discovered, pissing all over plans for the centenary Scrabble tile celebrations involing raiding the prostitute's guild and drinking mead until vomiting commences.
  • 1100AD - The rest of the celebration happens anyway, giving rise to New Year's Celebrations. The word "celebrate" was a bad pun involving "celebate" with a bra on it.
  • 1243AD - Knights Templar die thus giving rise to 13 being unlucky and instantaneously invented on the spot. Whilst official reasons quote "raiders", theories are abound involving STIs, Hepatic Failure and listening to Red Nose Day Charity Singles.
  • 1300AD - Next century is invented. The number is deemed to be "four-teen" in honour of following "three-teen" which many of the knights misspell whilse trying to find it on Google. This pattern will continue until 1900, which hasn't been invented yet.
  • c.1590AD - Adolph Hitler claims to invent 26 by counting his toes. Unfortunately, he loses 3 of them in a horse and cart crash off the Hershey Highway and as a comiseration is attributed with inventing numbers up to 23.
  • c.1630AD - Roman claims to all numbers is deciphered and regarded as comic gold. It is incorperated into the national curriculum for when normal numbers don't look retarded enough.
  • c.1650AD - Oscar Wilde claims invention of all numbers and from his pillar of fire commands all to his cause. Makes mistake of preaching in Shropshire and clouds rain on his parade, making him look like the complete arse a minority of Dublin saw him as.
  • 1914 - Oscar Wilde returns to claim all numbers and celebrates in the traditional fashion by declaring war on Germany.