82nd Academy Awards
The 82nd Academy Awards, also known as the 2009 Academy Awards, The Academy Massacre, and the 82AA Massacre, were held on March 7, 2010. The ceremony erupted in violence after the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences chose a minor independent film over a major Hollywood blockbuster for Best Picture.
Leading up to the Event
The chain of events that would lead up to the 82AA Massacre started at the 81st Academy Awards. The film industry, and thousands of actors present at the ceremony, were upset that a random independent film known as Slumdog Millionaire won the Academy Award for Best Picture, along with seven other Oscars. Host Hugh Jackman prevented violence by inviting the surviving cast of Saturday Night Live to do a post-ceremony show. The evening was said to be quite enjoyable.
However, this could not change the fact that moviegoers and actors were furious that an arty independent Bollywood film that they had never heard of could win Best Picture. They had assumed the Oscars were strictly meant for films by
blatantly pandering studios like 20th Century Fox, The Weinstein Company, Paramount, Warner Bros., and Lionsgate. Thousands tried to confront the AMPAS, but they were nowhere to be found.
The Final Nail in the Coffin
March 7th reared its ugly head. Actors and actresses lined up on the red carpet were visibly upset that a Best Picture nomination had been given to the independent film The Hurt Locker (again, a film that no one had heard of, which had a limited 3-day release in 100 theaters). Some actors, including Steve Buscemi, Bob Saget, and Bill Murray, forwent the red carpet entirely, arriving late with concealed guns, knives, hatchets, and other weaponry.
The Award show began with the In Memoriam tribute, when, again, actors and actresses were shocked to see that Farrah Fawcett's tribute had been cut from the piece. Tensions began to rise as the time neared for the announcement of the final award. Hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin announced that the winner of Best Picture was The Hurt Locker. The audience screamed “Fuck that!” and violence erupted. ABC, the network broadcasting the awards, then attempted to cut to commercial as quickly as possible.
The Violent Struggle
Little is officially known as to what happened during the bloodshed, as few details were seen during the program before the cut-off, and most reports came from the survivors and the police, who arrived thirty-eight minutes late to the scene of the chaos.
- About 20 seconds before the program was cut off, actor Keanu Reeves struck and killed Jeff Bridges with somebody else's Oscar.
- Seven seconds before the cut-out, viewers saw Harrison Ford fire a gun at five people, including Christopher Lee, Jim Carrey, and Jennifer Lopez. While Lee and Carrey were removed from the scene with gunshot wounds, Lopez was apparently killed later on, with a champagne bottle.
- One second before the cut-out, Michael J Fox was seen lying on the ground, getting kicked by unknown persons.
- Jay Leno claimed that when the fighting started, he, Russell Crowe, and Tyler Perry (all of whom were hiding under a table) saw Dakota Fanning leading several child actors backstage, with the apparent intent of killing as many AMPAS members as possible. (Leno was the only member of the trio to survive.)
- About one minute into the melée, Elizabeth Banks and Tina Fey began beating each other silly with Oscar statuettes, until Ms. Fey pushed Ms. Banks off a balcony, killing her. Seconds later, Ms. Fey was killed by the explosion of a hand grenade, which Ms. Banks had dropped on the balcony, shortly before her fall.
- The Governator was the first attendee to attempt to escape. Upon opening the front doors of the Kodak Theatre, he inadvertently let in thousands of fan girls and a rogue Tyrannosaurus Rex.
- Tom Cruise appeared out of nowhere and ripped off the face of his wife, Katie Holmes, to reveal she was, in fact, a pod person. Guards promptly opened fire on Holmes, allowing Cruise to escape. There was no sign of his fellow escapees from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility. Holmes, unfortunately, escaped fatal injury and is still at large.
- According to James Earl Jones, Rob Schneider was suddenly turned into a sandwich, and was eaten seconds later by Adam Sandler, who then choked to death.
- The T-Rex consumed at least seven people, including Robert Downey Jr., Ellen DeGeneres, Leslie Nielsen, and Jeff Goldblum (who was dragged for several blocks as the dinosaur left the scene).
- The explosion of Elizabeth Banks's grenade not only caused the death of Tina Fey, but also the collapse of the stage, which fell onto Maggie Gyllenhaal, heavily injuring her. Ms. Gyllenhaal used the last of her strength to shoot and kill her brother, Jake Gyllenhall, for having sex with The Joker. She died shortly afterwards from internal injuries.
- Dermot Mulroney and Dylan McDermott were seen holding hands as they jumped from a high balcony, into the orchestra pit, never to be found again. They were apparently torn to pieces and devoured by the musicians, who had not been fed in weeks. (The California SPCA is investigating.)
- By the time the Los Angeles Police Department and SWAT team arrived, thirty-eight minutes after the battle began, hundreds were dead or mortally wounded.
- Authorities found David Tennant with part of his face burnt off. The trauma was so great that he was forced to resurrect as Eleventh Doctor Matt Smith.
- Hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were found tied up together with the corpse of Leonard Nimoy.
- When police reached the backstage area, they found all 17 members of the AMPAS were actually reanimated corpses, who had never seen actual blockbusters. Each undead corpse had been re-killed by the child actors, who then fled the scene. The children remain at large. There is no word if they have any connection to the terrorist group known as El Staff de Family Guy.
By midnight, over 200 attendees had been arrested with another 1500 still missing or being sought by police. It was estimated that around 2000 Actors, fan girls, Red shirts, and Paparazzi were killed. After a week, authorities released an official report on the incident, including the list of important people who had been killed, arrested, or were still on the run. Police focused their attention on Tom Cruise, believing he may have been the ringleader, and Keanu Reeves, who, incidentally, has been credited as the first person to ever kill a man live on American television.
Officials say they should be able to reanimate all the important people by the end of May (but none of the fan girls or Redshirts). The death toll currently stands at 2051. The Oscar used to kill Mr. Bridges is up for auction on eBay.
Individuals involved with the Event
- Drew Barrymore was found dead by the collapsed stage. It's unknown if she died from the trauma of having her right arm removed, or as a result of several stab wounds found in her back.
- Pieces of Orlando Bloom's corpse were found all over the theater; apparently he was savagely torn apart by the storming fan girls. His head, heart, testicles, and buttocks were never found, but are assumed to be in a jar on a teenage girl's dresser.
- Jeff Bridges, the most famous person to die during the event, had his head smashed in, live on television, by Keanu Reeves.
- Jim Carrey was discovered with a massive chest wound, cradling three Oscars. He died en route to the hospital.
- Morgan Freeman was found at the theater exit impaled by several Oscars. He died minutes later, provided a soothing baritone voice-over to the moment of his last breath.
- Sandra Bullock was shot repeatedly by the other four Best Actress nominees out of jealousy, dying two hours later in the hospital.
- Leonard Nimoy had so many injuries and wounds that there was no way to tell how or when he died. Long-time lover William Shatner abandoned him at the height of battle, and was shot and killed later on, by Harrison Ford.
- Rob Schneider was magically turned into a ham sandwich, and was eaten by Adam Sandler, who choked to death in the process.
- Parts of David Tennant's face were burnt off by an unknown tool. Soon after his discovery he resurrected into Matt Smith.
- Meryl Streep was killed instantly by a grenade which went off three inches from her face. Her incinerated corpse could only be recognized by its many nominations.
- Jeff Goldblum's remains were recovered from a pile of T-Rex droppings found on Highland Avenue. Goldblum was one of the seven victims of the dinosaur's attack.
- Jennifer Aniston is believed to have beaten Angelina Jolie to death with Jolie's own Oscar, and to have later decapitated Brad Pitt.
- Barbra Streisand was murdered by Kathryn Bigelow after Streisand tried to steal her Oscar for Best Director. Streisand was simultaneously shot by both Bigelow and Jeremy Renner, after Renner saw the women fighting for a short while, and then joined in. (Renner was quoted as saying: "Hey, what can I say. My dick got bored.")
- Kathryn Bigelow was later raped and killed by James Cameron. She was found dead with two arrows in her chest, as Cameron apparently killed her "Na'avi-style".
- Hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin were both arrested and are currently awaiting trial in California.
- Bill Murray was arrested in front of the Kodak Theatre and taken to Guantanamo Bay for "questioning and beating."
- Bruce Campbell was discovered backstage trying to kill Leonardo DiCaprio. Due to the comparatively minor nature of his crime, he was released after only three days in jail.
- The Governator escaped to his mansion and was later arrested by members of the FBI, CIA, and CTU. After killing 67 agents with a steel pipe, he was finally subdued and taken to Guantanamo Bay.
- Jennifer Aniston was arrested a few hours after the battle, while trying to pawn seven Oscar Awards she had apparently stolen. Authorities say that none of them was the one used to kill Jeff Bridges.
- Katie Holmes was exposed as a Body Thetan by Tom Cruise, shot, revived a short time later, and later escaped, killing a game warden in the process.
- Julia Roberts was captured along with her husbands George Clooney and Bruce Willis, but was released due to the imminent birth of her ninth child. (The father is unknown.)
- Jack Black was able not only to escape capture, but to make off with 20 pounds of marijuana and cocaine.
- Tom Cruise escaped from Guantanamo Bay weeks earlier and was present at the show. He flew off-stage after revealing Katie Holmes (who was wanted on previous warrants). There is no word on the whereabouts of his fellow escapees Harold and Kumar.
- Harrison Ford escaped in a self-piloted private hovercraft, and is still a fugitive.
- Matthew Broderick was last seen fleeing the scene in a Ferrari 250 GT California. UPDATE: Broderick was later captured and transported to Guantanamo Bay for rehab treatment, after a massive amount of tranquilizers was found in his body.
- Gabourey Sidibe, who took part in the killing of Sandra Bullock, was last seen fleeing to Senegal.
- Keanu Reeves, responsible for killing Bridges on TV, escaped under unknown circumstances. He was added to the FBI Ten Most Wanted Fugitives List.
- James Cameron, responsible for raping and killing his ex-wife, Kathryn Bigelow, was never arrested or questioned, because he's JAMES FUCKING CAMERON!
- David Lynch was seen watching from above, filming the events with a $40,000 SteadiCam, which was later seized by police. Lynch eventually recovered the film (and the camera) by walking into the police precinct building and acting "super-Lynchian". He apparently plans to use the film in his next feature, starring Kyle MacLachlan and Tom Cruise (This, despite Cruise's recent return to the Top Ten Most Wanted List.
- Mickey Rourke, who was just sitting there, high as a kite, with Judd Apatow and Seth Rogan.
- Carrie Underwood, who was nearly killed by the grenade explosion that took the life of Meryl Streep.
- Judd Apatow, who was high as a fucking kite, man, (and also fucking his wife).
- Seth Rogan, who was high with Rourke.
- Robert Pattinson, who was vainly attempting to get laid, and thus lose his virginity.
- Betty White, who saw the mob as it rushed out of the Kodak Theatre. She was also present when Drew Barrymore was murdered.
- Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz, who were having sweaty indie sex backstage, during the fracas, while Darren sold drugs.
- Christian Bale, who, although usually violent, apparently had taken his medication on this night, and was seen peeing rather docilely on Barbra Streisand's corpse ("for fun!", as he allegedly shouted).
When the investigations were wrapped up fifteen hours later, those still incarcerated were forced to go back into the theater and help clean up the body parts of their fallen rivals, partners, and fellow actors. Some survivors who had lost limbs during the night were able to reclaim arms and legs. Smaller body parts like fingers, feet, penises, and eyes were unable to be recovered, due to their small size amongst the rubble of the theater. After 3 days it was determined that there was just too much to clean up. The Mayor of Hollywood ordered the site abandoned, set on fire, and demolished. The entire block was leveled by third quarter of 2010.
Those who were tragically taken before their time had articles of clothing, blood samples, and hair follicles gathered by government scientists, who hope to use fugitive Jesus to resurrect them. (Jesus is currently fleeing from the government after the Messiah Incident of 32 A.D.)
Despite the carnage, the show must go on: Hollywood planned for, and celebrated, the 83rd Academy Awards without much incident, in 2011. (There were a comparatively minor five beheadings, an assault with a bazooka, and a disembowelment.) The AMPAS was replaced as its voting body by the Blockbuster Guild, which is made of Smurfs, Snorks, and Teletubbies. The Guild is led by a Leprechaun, who currently remains unnamed. The group has ruled in favor of banning all independent films from future award seasons. To avoid further complication, the entire cast and crew of The Hurt Locker were hunted down and executed, with prejudice.
- "He acted super-Lynchian, man!" - LAPD Officer Lt. Rod Harder
- "I was high as a fucking kite, man! Oh, and I was also fucking [wife] Leslie at the time. MAN was I high! I'm Jewish." - Judd Apatow
- "I offered Andy Dick a hundred-pound note, but he said 'No!'" - Robert Pattinson. ("He then said 'okaaaaay...', and wandered off to find some blow.")
- Their heads and hearts were removed, and their remaining orifices were filled with a savory mixture of salt and garlic.