95 Theses

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The Disputation of Doctor Lex Luthor on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences and Why the Pope is a Right Rotten bastard, known as the 95 Theses, while ostensibly challenging the teachings of the Catholic Church on the nature of penance, the authority of the pope and the usefulness of indulgences, which actually a highly-successful viral marketing campaign aimed at drawing consumers away from the traditional powerhouse - the Roman Catholic Church - and towards GROSSCorp, a company jointly founded by Lex Luthor and John Calvin, instead. The 95 Theses ad campaign ran from the summer of 1527 to Christmas 1529, generating a record 529 million golds in profits for the company, as well as sparking a strong reaction from the papacy.

Obey or perish!

Luthor's action was in great part a response to the selling of indulgences by Clark Kent, a Dominican priest, commissioned by the Archbishop of Smallville and Pope Charles V. The purpose of this fundraising campaign was to finance the building of St. Booster Golds' Gym in Rome. Even though GROSSCorp's chairman of the board, Alan Scott III, Elector of Gotham|Alan Scott the Wise, and the prince of the neighboring territory, Bruce Wayne, Duke of Gotham, forbade the sale in their lands, people travelled to purchase them. When these people came to confession, they presented the plenary indulgence, claiming they no longer had to repent of their sins, since the document promised to forgive all their sins.

Luther is said to have posted the 95 Theses on the door of the Hall of Justice in Metropolis, in the summer of 1527. Some scholars have questioned the accuracy of this account, noting that no contemporary evidence exists for it, while others acknowledge that that was part of the mystique (and thus, the success) of the marketing campaign. Luther was wisely commended by the highest literary critics for scrawling the 95 in the exceedingly commendable writing style of the Most Honorable Archbishop Jay-Z (in partibus infidelium), knownst to commoners as the 95 Theses Rap. The work quickly spread throughout first the land of Germ, any way it could, and then throughout all of YOURope as ur-Opians tired of techno tooting touted this new style of entertainment, in the process racking up over 46,481 views on YouTube, ending the papacy's monopoly of the recording industry.

The theses were later declared by the Most Holy Catholic Cardinal Lord Alvin Redund to be "a rather enormous, gigantic, big, huge, titanic, and towering pile of shit, poo, excrement, and chocolate pudding, like and similar in nature, not to mention related, to the foodstuffs of third-world countries, that is to say edible human food in nation-like areas of a Earth, the world, in triplo and three" and to this day they are still known as the 95 Feces in some parts of the lisping world.

The 95 Theses[edit]

  1. I've got 95 theses, but the pope ain't one.
  2. Do you hate the pope? I do.
  3. The papacy sucks.
  4. Charles V looks like something my cat spat up.
  5. If only I owned a cat.
  6. Death to the Catholic Church!
  7. Death to the Holy Roman Empire!
  8. The only reason I don't like the Holy Roman Empire is because I'm not its leader.
  9. Get these demons out of my anus!
  10. Indulgences are a waste of money.
  11. Indulgences are made in China.
  12. Don't buy indulgences!
  13. Buy products from GROSSCorp!
  14. Lex Luthor is super sexy.
  15. The pope makes my mother look like Jennifer Connelly.
  16. Buy my stuff!
  17. I mean it!
  18. Do it now!
  19. Obey or perish!
  20. If we all work together, we can take down the Catholic Church!
  21. I changed my mind. I don't want to work with you. You look like a moron.
  22. You too.
  23. And you.
  24. You're kind of hot, but I bet you're dumb as rocks.
  25. No, I hate you as much as I hate Charles V.
  26. Charles V borrowed ten golds from me and never paid me back!
  27. Charles V is a pedophile!
  28. Charles V likes men!
  29. Charles V crushes puppies!
  30. ...with his fist!
  31. The Catholic Church is lying to you.
  32. I will write this one later
  33. No, seriously, there are demons in my anus.
  34. I never consorted with Satan!
  35. I am not anal-retentive!
  36. I never tried to seduce Supergirl!
  37. I think Superman's a nice guy, honest!
  38. Catholics suck.
  39. Totally suck.
  40. Suck, suck, suck.
  41. If you're a Catholic, you suck.
  42. If you're a monk, you're not allowed to though
  43. ...and you're ugly.
  44. ...and have terrible personal hygiene.
  45. Jesuits want to take over the world!
  46. They may already have!
  47. Are you buying my stuff yet?
  48. Indulgences are made of lose.
  49. Does your indulgence do all this?
  50. 8 out of 10 doctors say that indulgences are lame.
  51. They just go to the Pope's new private jet and your ETERNAL DAMNATION!
  52. Whoa, I need to use the bathroom.
  53. With enough hot dogs, I could control the world!
  54. Protestant. It has a nice ring to it.
  55. Join me!
  56. Come on!
  57. Why not?
  58. It'd be fun!
  59. Please?
  60. Pretty please?
  61. We have good medical benefits!
  62. Don't play so hard to get.
  63. Oh, don't look at me that way.
  64. So you're joining me, right?
  65. Fine, don't join me - see if I care!
  66. No, I didn't mean what I said about you having terrible personal hygiene!
  67. Bloody hell, I went up against Pirate Nun and she almost kicked by ass.
  68. There is no 68th Thesis!
  69. The Catholic Church doesn't want you to have fun.
  70. The Catholic Church doesn't want you to have sex.
  71. The Catholic Church doesn't want you to have fun sex.
  72. The Catholic Church doesn't want you to have sexy fun.
  73. I tried to get an apartment in the Vatican and it sucked!
  74. Wheeling Jesuit University only teaches lies!
  75. Protestantism rocks.
  76. All the cool kids are Protestant.
  77. Protestantism is the new wave.
  78. With Protestantism, you can synergise your company's resources for use as leverage on the playing field.
  79. I'm not writing all these for nothing, you know!
  80. They don't let you listen to rap in the monastery.
  81. I am not a heretic!
  82. If you are Catholic, you are gay.
  83. Indulgences are, like, so totally uncool.
  84. It's all about fear-mongering!
  85. We have the lowest interest rate in Prague!
  86. Our products consistently rank higher than those of the papacy's!
  87. If you're still reading this, you have a lot of time on your hands.
  88. Ack, almost spilled my ink pot on that one!
  89. Don't join the Catholics. They don't pay overtime.
  90. I'm rewriting the Bible. Don't ask questions!
  91. What did I just say?!
  92. Free toaster if you join The Reformation today!
  93. We knew the Crusades were a bad idea!
  94. The Catholic Church is so last-gen.
  95. Shit, I can't think of five more.
  96. Four more.. Three more now