ABBAgrad

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Stalingrad and Leningrad, as we all know, are both famous Russian cities; especially famous for battle during world war two. But what of ABBAgrad, the other, mostly unknown Russian city?

The city today is not as well known as it once was. The streets that were once thriving with white jump-suit wearing, sequinned, blond-haired youth have now fallen into misuse. The once noisy pubs and bars are now brothels and crack-houses. This is the present, or "Washed-Up" stage of ABBAgrad.

The Glory Days[edit]

In bygone times, however, ABBAgrad was a metropolis, pulsing with life.

Its main export was blond wigs, which were mined in the hills of Dan Sinkween, slightly to the north of the city, by the Me & Bobby & Bobby's Brother Mining Co. The wigs were then cut and refined, before being shipped overseas, specifically to Chiquitita, Mexico.

This, however, would be the city's downfall.

The Beginning of the End[edit]

During WWII, Nazi Germany began a 'Cleansing' Procedure, and were trying to find 'Aryan', or blond haired, blue eyed Germans to participate in a breeding program; to breed a 'perfect' race. It was simple enough to find a blond haired, or a blue eyed German, but more difficult to find both.

Many blue-eyed Germans, wishing to partake in this breeding program for reasons unknown. A small number of enterprising blue-eyed Germans decided that they would attempt to sneak into the program unnoticed. They were promptly shot, several times. Even more enterprising blue-eyed Germans decided to shave their heads, and graft blond wigs to their scalp.

Through deals with shady Mexicans, this group was able to obtain some fresh-cut wigs, which they attached without major hassle; although around 3% of the Germans died from Mexican Wig-Poisoning.

Thus, the now-blond Germans were able to partake in the breeding program.

After a while, from the results of the breeding program, it became evident that some of the participants were not truly blonde. After a quick scalp inspection, the Einsatzgruppen were able to determine the impostors, most of who were, as before, promptly shot repeatedly. A small number, however, were kept for questioning.

Eventually, through German Water Torture, which involves getting the captive so p!ssed they'll tell you anything, the German interrogators learned of the Mexican operation.

The Mexican Connection[edit]

After learning of this, Hitler personally spearheaded a disguised attack on the Mexicans (Codename: ALAMO). Following more interrogations of Mexican prisoners (who can get a lot more turpsed than Germans) Hitler learned of ABBAgrad, the Russian Blond-Wig Capital, and decided to stomp out this city once and for all.


The End of the End[edit]

Hitler ordered the newly (and, in retrospect, foolishly) E-Panzer, (Elefant Panzer, or Elephant Tank) division to attack the city. All of the Elephants perished in the first two days because of the sheer cold.

Not to be put off, the Nazi troops were ordered to attack on foot.

The city of ABBAgrad had no plans for war, and so a city militia was hastily assembled; with the chief wigmaker (Jeff Fernando) as captain.

Long story short, it was a bloody battle. With entrails. Lots of entrails. Fernando was barely able to defend the city, and after three weeks of constant warfare, the city was in ruins. In a final attempt to eradicate the German troops, Fernando released a poison gas, a combination of gaseous blondeness and entrails, into the most heavily German-Infested parts for the city.

Fernando succeeded in killing off the rest of the Germans in the city, but at heavy cost, The city was abandoned, and the wig-market was never the same again.

Aftermath[edit]

After the battle, at the signing of the ABBAgrad peace treaty, between Hitler and Fernando (Sometimes referred to as "ABBA Gold, Volume 1"), Fernando was heard to mutter under his breath "There was something in the air that night", referring to the toxic gas strike, to which Hitler answered, his voice laced with sarcasm "If I had to do the same, again, I would, my friend Fernando".