“Build it, and nobody will come.”
The AT Field is a field of energy said to surround and separate all living matter. The concept was first discovered by noted scientist Hideaki Anno while rooting through the dumpster behind L. Ron Hubbard's mobile home. Although subject to fierce debate between theologists and fat virgin otaku, the existence of the AT Field is believed by some to be the cause for humans to want to call each other gay, touch themselves in an impure manner, and stab each other in the vital organs with a rusty oversized tuning fork.
The Barney Incident
Woeful of the sad and destructive nature of the human existence, scientists from the University of Phoenix devised a groundbreaking method to eradicate the human AT Field, so that all people may be squishy and happy. Having honed their method for their first experiment, the UoP scientists chose a live recording of the popular "Barney & Friends" television program to be the stage on which to reveal this potentially historic breakthrough. On the January 28th, 1994 live broadcast, the scientists had their gizmos tuned and preparations complete, and called five children from the audience to be the first human subjects to ever have their AT Fields removed. On cue, the five children sang in unison, "You are me / I am you / We're a big ol' pile of goo", at which the process was initiated and the children's cells bursted into what appeared to be a puddle of Tang™, oozed off of the stage, and were immediately lapped up by a stray shi-tzu. Having seen the results of losing an AT Field, the public realized that it really sucked, and the scientists that performed the experiment were verbally abused and had goat lungs filled with Russian vomit hurled at them whenever spotted thereafter.
Turn the Darkies into Stew!
The seven scientists were later taken under US military protection, and commissioned to develop their AT Field eradication technology into something far more horrid, and capable of instantly liquifying large populations of non-caucasian peoples. Out of the seven scientists only one refused to cooperate, on basis of moral objection, but was soon persuaded with fifth row tickets to a Richard Marx concert. However, a tragic accident involving the mistaken liquification of president Bill Clinton's full-blooded Navaho cousin put the project to an immediate halt, and all scientists were condemned to attending a Richard Marx concert. All but one of the scientists died at the concert after fatally slitting their own wrists with a single toothpick passed around amongst them. The single surviving scientist is currently a fugitive on the run, but nobody really gives a shit about him anymore.
|This article forms part of the series on Scientology|
|Beliefs||Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous|
|Concepts||The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)|
|People||L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy|
|Enemies||You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous|