A Day With My Son
Heyyy junior, come here! Let me see you big guy, c'mon, flex those muscles! Oooh look at those guns huh, you been working out? I bet all the ladies are going crazy for you at school. What Karen? Of course, I know he's just a kid, but c'mon, I'm his father! Shouldn't a father be able to teach his six-year-old some lessons about life? He's going to be liking girls eventually and-
What's that? He's eight-years-old? What, nooo of course I knew that! I was just teasing him, you know, just playing around. Stop acting so serious all the time Karen.
What's that? Oh no nothing, I was telling junior here how he's going to go have some fun now with his dad, you know, since our parental agreement states I can only have him once every 2 years. Haha, I know, I know, the court voted in your favor, but I could have won too if my lawyer was a little bit better and if I had slept with the judge...
What? Oh no, haha, I was just saying how you're such a great mother. I am so glad to have such a great woman raising my child...my only child...my only son...
Alright Junior! Hop in the car and let's go for a ride eh? Haha, look how excited he is! Haha, alright Karen I'll see you later! What's that? Yes Karen, I know you don't like him eating fast food. Yes, I know you don't want him playing video games. Yes, I know I shouldn't bring him into the strip club with the boys. Jeez Karen, it was one time, it was supposed to be a joke. What? Ok, so I brought him a couple times, does that make me a bad father?
...Don't answer that.
Alright junior, you ready to go for a ride? Haha, alright then. Say bye to your mommy, BYE KAREN!
Alright, let's roll
Ok junior, where do you want to go first, huh? You want to eat? Alright, let's go to Mickey D's for some burgers, huh? What's that? Yes, I know mom doesn't like you eating fast food, but let's make an exception just this once. A little secret between me and you, alright?
So how's school? Getting along with kids, getting good grades, seen any hot, single teachers? Ms. Kilpatrick you say? You wouldn't happen to have her phone number so I could...err, tell her what a lucky teacher she is to have you? No? Well, that's a shame...
So you alright Junior? You've been quiet since I picked you up, is something bothering you? What's that? Is borrowing stealing? Why do you ask? Toby McCormick? He told you he was borrowing your toy truck and not stealing it, so you couldn't say anything to the teacher? What a load of bullsh-I mean, what a load of horse puppies, hehe. Well junior, listen, there is a difference between borrowing and stealing, alright?
Here, we're at Mickey D's, I'll tell you while we eat.
Alright, what do you want? A Happy meal? Alright, with the toy? Which one? That one, right there? Oh, aren't you a lucky one, it's the last one left and we're next in line after this gu-what's wrong? What do you mean he just picked the toy? Wait junior, don't cry, please don't cry, look look, I'll get your toy, alright? Don't you worry about a thing, haha.
Excuse me sir, I'm afraid that happy meal you got has the toy my son was looking forward to getting. Well, I was just wondering if you'd be willing to part with it, I'll give you...let's see...five bucks? What do you mean that's not enough? The meal itself costs a buck-fifty. Fifty bucks?! What the hell dude, that toy's not even worth 50 cents! What? Hey, don't flick me off, I have a kid right here! Hey, come back here!! Don't call me a bitch when my kid's right here, bitch!! Oh fuck you!
Well, here you go junior, I got you that toy from that nice gentleman. Now why don't we go outside before one of these nice patrons calls the cops, eh?
Alright junior, let's find somewhere else to eat. Huh, not hungry anymore? Alright then. What that's? Didn't I just steal your toy from that gentleman back there? Of course not junior, remember, stealing is bad, I was just...uhh...borrowing it so that you could enjoy it. Haha, what? Isn't that what Toby McCormick did to you? Well...yes, but you see junior, Toby didn't intend to give you back that toy. He only SAID he was borrowing it, but he didn't actually give it back, did he? I didn't think so. See, unlike Toby, I would return the toy if I came across that gentleman again and you were done playing with it. See the difference now? Haha good.
Ok junior, so where do you want to go nex-Oh great. The cops. Hang on junior, going to make a little pit stop while we talk to the nice officer.
Afternoon officer, is there a problem? Of course, of course, license and registration is right here. So what's the problem? My taillight is out? You don't say...Alright yea, I can wait while you check my info. Don't worry junior, it's just a small problem, daddy's not in trouble or anything haha. Wait, is he pulling out a gun?...shit
Alright! Alright! I'm coming out of the car! Please don't shoot! Don't worry junior, just small problem, everything will be ok. Alright, alright, I'm coming, I'm coming...
-Bang Bang, Smack, Bam-
(pant pant) Alright junior, come on outta the car. We're going to have to ditch it for a while. What? No, no, he's not dead. Just profusely bleeding, he'll be fine, don't worry about him. Nothing a little neosporin and morphine can't fix haha, but don't worry, the paramedics will take care of that. Right now though, it's important we get away fast as possible away from here, so we don't disturb the paramedics' work, ok? What? What's in my pocket? Oh, it's nothing, just the nice officer's gun. No no, I'm not stealing it, only borrowing it, remember junior? Alright, now let's go!
What's that junior? You see a car coming? Let me see....ok good, it's not a cop, it's some chick. Wait here junior, I have to go ask that nice driver a question.
GET OUT OF THE CAR! I SAID GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! ALRIGHT, NOW TAKE YOUR TOP OFF! YOU HEARD ME, TAKE YOUR TOP OFF! wow...those can't be real...
ALRIGHT, ON THE FLOOR, NOW! JUNIOR, GET IN THE CAR! THANKS FOR THE RIDE LADY, OH, AND NICE TITS! I MEAN THAT SINCERELY!
Alright then junior, haha, doing alright? Good, good. What's that? Didn't we just steal that lady's car? Nooo junior, of course not, that would be rude to do to lady of such quality. We are just borrowing it because my car has a broken taillight...
Just A Quick Withdrawal
Alright, well seeing as daddy is probably going to need some bail money, do you mind if we make a quick pit-stop? What's that? Noo, of course the officer and the woman will be fine, don't worry so much...god, you're just like your mother...
Alright, here we are. What? Good guess junior, but we're not at the museum, this is the bank. C'mon, outta the car. What do you mean you want to go home? You hate going to museums? But I just told you this isn't the museum! Junior, stop yelling. Junior, stop kicking me! Junior! Alright fine, I guess I'll just go in by myself! I'm leaving junior, I'm closing the door junior, I'm goin-Hey, wait! Junior, don't lock the doors. Junior, open the door. OPEN THE DAMN DOOR JUNIOR! Alright, alright, fine. I guess I'll just go get some lollipops myself. What? Yes, they have lollipops, didn't you know? Oh, now you want to come, huh?
Alright junior, c'mon, we need to get in line. Oh, but before we go in, I need to tell you, I'm going to play a joke on everyone here, but I don't want them to think you are with me, ok? So when we go in, just stand close to the door and pretend you don't know me, alright? Good boy! What's that? Oh no, I'm just putting this black stocking over my face because...uh...it's part of the joke! Alright? Here we go...
ALRIGHT, THIS IS A HOLDUP! EVERYONE ON THE GROUND, NOW! NOWWW!!! YOU! LADY! OPEN THE REGISTER! PUT THE MONEY IN THAT BAG!! HEY! YOU! SIT DOWN I SAID! ALRIGHT LADY, ALL THE MONEY!! IS THAT IT?! ALRIGHT, NOW TAKE YOUR TOP OFF!! ALL OF YOU, TAKE YOUR TOPS OFF!!!....scoreee...
HEY, YOU! I TOLD YOU ALREADY TO SIT DOWN!! HEY! COME BACK HERE!
SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ASSHOLES DON'T LISTEN TO ME?!?! HUH?!?!? I'M CRAZY AND I'M TAKING THIS KID BY THE DOOR AS A HOSTAGE!!! AGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Whew! Good job junior, I don't think they knew that you are my son. Haha, yes, everyone thinks you're my hostage.
What? Oh yes, here you go, I stol-I mean, borrowed some lollipops for you, haha. What's that? Can we go home now? Yea, it's already 6 and I'm going to have to skip town within the next fifteen minutes anyways.
I love you....son
Here we are. Well junior, I sure had a lot of fun with you today. It's too bad I won't get to see you again for a while, but thanks for the great time nonetheless. Oh, and do me a solid by not telling your mom what happened today. Just tell her we went to the carnival or something innocent like that. Why? Well, because I don't want her to be jealous of all the fun we had today, yea, that's why... Alright well, there's your mom, you should go now and remember, I love yo-damn...that kid bolted out of here fast. Well, guess I should be going...uh oh...sirens....SEE YOU LATER JUNIOR, YOU TOO KAREN. SEE YOU GUYS IN TWO YEARS!!....