A Fucking Bear
| This article needs liposuction!
|This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust |
your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory.
We mean rewrite it!
“Holy shit is that Kurt Cobain?”
“Is that a fucking bear?”
“Forget the bear. Have you seen the picture of Kurt Cobain staring at the battle pigeon?”
A Fucking Bear is just a random bear that nobody knew about until she met angstridden Singer/Songwriter Kurt Cobain. She is known for stealing Kurt Cobain from Courtney Love who was very very pissed off about that whole situation. She also known for starting the band with the members of Nirvana called Nickleback, and taking over the world.
A Fucking Bear was born one stormy night in the bottom of a pit in Toronto, to Mama and Papa Bear Adams. She was raised to do normal things a bear usually does: eat, hybernate, shit in the woods, and attack and eat humans. After she made it through her rebellious teen years, she decided to travel the world. She lived temporarily in places such as Detroit to the see the White Stripes where she had a breif relationship with local psycho Jack White.
Details about their relationship is unknown. But, in an interview with Vanity Fair in 2345, A Fucking Bear reveiled that Jack was so fucking crazy, she couldn't take it anymore and left him and Detroit all together. Now, in her mid-twenties, she moved to and settled in Seattle, where she really would find true love, guns, penis', music, and rulership. And a lot of growling.Yes, she met Kurt Cobain there.
A Fucking Bear's meeting with Kurt Cobain was pretty much a legendary tale, but it was actually a pretty freaky meeting. Of all the places and trees she could have lived in (because Washington has a lot of trees), she decided to live in Kurt Cobain's backyard, specifically his pool. I know, right? Anyway, A Fucking Bear was lounging in the pool one day when all of a sudden, she could hear some man singing beautifully. That, of course, was Kurt Cobain. He was playing his accoustic guitar, and singing a song he'd just written, about demanding someone to perform fellatio on him. That was totally unlike Cobain, however, because he thought sex was over-rated...seriously. Nonetheless, A Fucking Bear was very impressed and she fell inlove. And to express her sorrow of her new-found love, she let out a large growl, which, in bear-talk, was actually her singing "Damn, I wish I was your Lover," by Sophie Hawkins. Kurt looked out the window and A Fucking Bear saw him. Is that Kurt Cobain? she asked. Is that a fucking bear? asked Cobain. As you probably guessed, it was love at first sight.
Since he was no longer in love with Courtney Love, even after he died, he still had to divorce her in order to be with A Fucking Bear. When he informed Courtney of this, she threatened, "Don't you dare make me do it again!" Kurt defended himself, saying, "How can you when I'm invisible?? Are you not on crack???" Courtney gave in by yelling at him one million times about nothing, and then they divorced the next day. That should have happened a long time ago. But, with no more watching that insane woman rant about nothing, Kurt would grow very bored. Now that he was with a bear, he had to come up with something to do. Something so insane, so unbelievable, that uncyclopedia would have to write a fucking article about it. Still, Kurt couldn't come up with anything, so he was always bored anyway. Poor fella.
Plans Of World Domination
Kurt was bored one day and decided maybe he should just take over the world with his music. He told A Fucking Bear about this, and she loved the idea that she could maybe be his Queen, and that they could rule together, playing acoustic guitars and singing about obscenities, mostly about Kurt wanting someone to perform fellatio on him. (A little bit like Axl Rose, huh?) Oh well, that was Kurt for you, he was one crazy fellow! But, they might as well take things slow before becoming over-night dominators of the world. So they quickly thought of something else to do before then.
Kurt and A Fucking Bear decided together that they might as well date before taking over the world. "Oh! Oh! Then maybe we can get married and have kids!" Kurt said. A Fucking Bear agreed. On their dates, they usually went to Chineese resturaunts and ate a bunch of samon, and then they would wander into the woods together. Kurt was charmed by A Fucking Bear's sense of humor, with her constantly telling jokes about her encounters with rabbits while shitting in a bush when she was just a cub. A Fucking Bear was also charmed by Kurt's shortness and left-handedness. "They were like peas and carrots," according to Forest Gump, the tree A Fucking Bear and Kurt would often shit together on in the forest. "Maybe more like corn and cabbage."
Kurt and A Fucking Bear decided it was only best to start their own band together after a few jams together, in order to take over the world. Kurt played guitar and A Fucking Bear sang. People (just as they had planned) where shocked by the sound, and it was discovered that the sound was so frightening, it caused Kurt and A Fucking Bear to take over other countries. Men all over certian counties had heart-attacks, women kept screaming in horror, and children wet their beds. Dogs kept chasing their tails for hours at a time, and cats...well, they just didn't give a shit.
Also, Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl were getting pretty bored with their lives. Krist was bald, and looking more like Dr.Phil everyday, and Dave's teeth was just getting bigger and bigger, so they decided to get off their asses and help them out. Krist played the bass-guitar with his bald head, and Dave played the drums with his teeth. Together, their sound was becoming even more scarier. And Courtney Love just sat in the backrow and laughed her ass off, making fun of them.
Soon enough, even though nodody cared, they still suprisingly had a fan base (all consisting of deaf-mutes). They released an album, entitled "RAWR RAWR THAT PENIS WILL EAT YOU!" Strange enough, while they had a title for their album, and all 12 of their songs, there wasn't even a name to the band. So, they at first named it Axis, but they then realised that the name was taken by some other evil person. In conclusion, they opted to rename their band "Nickelback." Thus, they took over the world as planned, deafening everyone who has the ability to hear. As for the ones who didn't, they cheered and all huge fans of the band bought the album. Wonderful. Great for the deaf people, but terrible for every country on planet Earth.
"RAWR RAWR THAT PENIS WILL EAT YOU" Track listing:
1)RAWWWWWWR! (Fucking Bear, Cobain.)---2:34
2)Do RAWR and ME (Fucking Bear)---3:45
3)The Number Three is Scary. (Fucking Bear, Grohl.)--4:01
4)RAWR RAWR THAT PENIS WILL EAT YOU (Fucking Bear, Cobain, Novoselic, Grohl.)- 3:23
5)I Like Bees (Fucking Bear, Cobain.)---1:54
6)The Land-lord is a Peice of Shit From Hell. (Novoselic)---1:05
7)When I Used To Shit In The Woods.(Fucking Bear)--- 3:12
8)Gypsies, Tramps and Theives. (Cher Cover sung by Novoselic)---2:27.
9)Put the Bone In. (Terry Jacks cover sung by Grohl.)-2:52.
10)Oh my GAWD RAWWWWWWRSSS! (Fucking Bear)---7:23
11)Rawring Instrumental Rawrs. (Fucking Bear, Novoselic)--5:41
12)Fellatio Time! (Cobain, Fucking Bear, sung together by all four)---9:48
She is currently married to Kurt, and is now the queen of the world, just like she had dreamed in the first place. Kurt's ghost and A Fucking Bear got married, and they had over 9,000 children, and they are all butt-ugly. Except for the one that looks like Kurt the most. As for the band, after A Fucking Bear gave birth to all of their children, they began touring again. They plan to come out with a new album next summer. Shit. That means the Earth is actually going to fall apart--literally.