Elf

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“Oh shit, not you guys again! Just kill me and get it over with.”

~ Random Orc on Elves

“Umm... we have... nothing to do... with Elves...”

~ Eldar spokesperson on Elves
Elvish Presley.
Elvish Presley.

Elves (Gayis Maximus, sometimes classified as Helpus Santus) are a race of immoral creatures, remotely related to human beings through extensive interbreeding at Agent Elrond's Palace at the end of the Third Age. Main physical differences are that they have pointy ears and get +2 to DEX, -2 to CON and a +2D6 to SEX APP, except those ones who fought a bit too clumsily in the Middle Ages and subsequently carries a network of badly-healed facial scar tissues.

The 10th-Century Icelandic poet Pot head suggests that they also have infravision, but other sources suggest that Pot head was huffing something. Most modern scholars recognise that whilst Elves had infravision in Thrund's day it is no longer the case. Modern elves exhibit 'Low Light Vision'.

Contents

[edit] Origin of Elves

Elves reproduce the same as humans.

[edit] Elves in Norse Mythology

To the Norse, Elves were similar to vampires, except that they walked abroad in daylight, were not undead and did not drink blood. The Elves were divided into the High Elves who followed Dracula and the Dark Elves (Drow) who followed Blacula and have lots of 'Z's in their names. A lesser known group, the Crap Elves. followed Blacken stein. It is not known if any followed Dr. Black and Mr. Hyde.

The role of the Elves in Norse mythology was to assist the gods in their duties by helping them to find hidden doors using their +2 racial bonus to spot and search checks.

[edit] Elves in Egyptian Mythology

The Egyptians considered the Elves to be evil creatures. Egyptian Elves had huge mouths full of sharp teeth and were covered in scales. They lived in the Nile and laid their eggs in huge mounds of decaying vegetation. They were feared due to their ability to sneak up upon unsuspecting Egyptians using their Boots of Elvenkind and Cloaks of Elvenkind. They were eventually driven out of Egypt by Pharaoh Nasser I when he built his Dam of Damnation at Aswan. This is also completely untrue. Do not believe this paragraph.

[edit] Elves in Tolkien's Stories

According to legend, J.R.R. Tolkien frequently told tales of the Elves in his stories.

[edit] Elves in Modern Society

Nowadays, Elves mostly work as mages and physical adepts, although some of them become deckers or riggers, chummer. Some elves also bake cookies and sweets. They are forced to live in trees. Some elves will walk among humans, but only those with a Cloak of Concealment +10. Some are teenage students, but they are easily recognised by their chronic nymphomania.

[edit] Elvish Lawsuits

Since the appearance of consumers rights in modern legislation, a number of lawsuits has been raised by immoral elvish customers on ground of misleading advertisements. A number of companies that from the 1930s forward have merchandised everything from self-sharpening razor blades to outdoor house paint with arguments as everlasting or eternal have been forced to stand trial. As the elvish spokesman Mr (Ma. of Law) Felagund Glorfindel clearly has stated:

We elves know very well what an eternity is and it hell ain't no 60 years. If you buy a family board game that on the cardboard box says it will give you "endless joy", you don't expect to get endlessly bored after just a few decades of playing it".

Another common cause of legal wranglings among Elves, especially concerning Rebellious Teen Dark Elves is that of name theft. While Elves are allowed to change their names whenever they feel like it, many choose to adopt names like "zDratz zDonzTzSue or even just cover their scimitars in sprinkly bits and pretend they are Drizzt. This has lead to the famous dark elf runaway returning to his homeland to sue countless families with copycat children, and he now owns four hundred magic scimitars with silly names and a unique monogrammed +2 leather of slipping out of legal corners .

[edit] Elves in Mod Society

In the sixties, the Elves were frequently allied with the Mod community, as their ancient enemies the Dwarves had allied themselves with the Rockers.

Recently, elves have been known to impersonate dwarfs in an atempt to be known as "little people" instead of midgets

[edit] Elves in the North Pole

The Great Northern Elves or Christmas Elves are a great society of Elvi that was enslaved by a tyrant king (Klaus Nikolai) whom the elvi voted into power by mistake as they were enticed by the promise of "a glass of milk and cookie in every home". The whole populace is now laboring year round in a sweat shop at the North Pole that produces hi-tech devices for Japan and Toys-R-Us. The Christmas elves are now known by their slave name - Santa's Bitches.

[edit] Elves and Vulcans

In spite of superficial similarities, the Elves and the Vulcans are mortal enemies and have been ever since Agent Elrond ordered the assassination of Ambassador Sarek in the 23rd Century.

The primary difference between Elves and Vulcans is that the planet Vulcan has greater gravity than Torril, giving Vulcans a +2 to STR, compared to Elves -2.

His knowledge of Star Trek and D&D gives the writer of this piece a +2 GEEK BONUS.

Except that they made a mistake, Elves don't get a -2 STR, they get -2 CON, so the +2 Geek bonus goes to Me!

And I get a +4 Geek bonus for pointing out that it's spelled "Toril" (one "r")!

Except it's now 4th edition D&D suckas! Now they get +2 Wis, +2 Dex! And a reroll attack ! So now those +2 geek points are WarlockLord's!

But...Agent Elrond was framed (this time!) by dwarves, revealed to the public in the Early 24th century. And Vulcans were actually Elves branched off to the planet Vulcan when they colonized extraterrestrial planets, and the colonist's genetic pattern adapted to Vulcan, thus explaining those statistics! So +8 Nerd points (Advanced Geek Points) go to me!

[edit] Elves and Timothy Olyphant

The widely publicised killing spree in Paris, 1870 last week, believed to be perpetrated by the notorious defective clone Timothy Olyphant, who was a tragic side effect to the project to produce Mr. 17, an eventual counter force to Justin Timberlake. Elves have been in uproar over the defective clone's recent killing sprees against elves, although the only evidence that the numerous victims have actually been of elvish descent only comes from a farmer high on LSD who finds Runescape a highly intellectual online community, elves are determined to find some flimsy excuse to kill Timothy Olyphant.

[edit] Types of Elves

See main article Types of elves.

According to the 2006 census of Fairyland, the Elven population* breaks down as follows:

  • 66% High Elves
  • 23% Keebler Elves
  • 15% Wood Elves
  • 15% Night Elves
  • 13% Merkin
  • 3% Hawt Night Elves
  • 10% Aquatic Elves
  • -55% Elvis
  • -98% Elvis Imitator
  • 12% Penguin Humping Elves
  • 2% Caucasian Elves
  • -19% Asploding elves (cause they're already dead in several dimensions)
  • 08% Abriel blue-haired space elves (see Crest of the stars)
  • 07% Dark Elves
  • 05% Imploding Elves
  • 3.14% Math Elves
  • 01% Toxic Elves
  • 01% Blues Elves
  • 03% Vulcans
  • 0.75% Santa's Elves
  • 1.6667% Spam Elves
  • 0.5% Garden Gnomes
  • 0.0000000000001% little teens under 5 feet with pointy ears
  • x/Like-Afinity-Gosh!% Blue elf (AKA arguably smurfs... still debated)
  • 40.000% House Elves, a gbolin race that claim to be elves
  • 0% Freaky Elves (just search on image google YSURAN AUONDRIL)
  • 12% Fire Elves (Rare breed, almost extinct; see FlareonFurry)
  • 7.77% Orthodox Elves (an elf can be orthodox or curvodox)
  • And over 9000%(!) Hylians (this is however rounded down to 0.2% as there's only 2 Hylians that the nerd cummunity gives a shit about).
Note: Not including the TricalZone

Also Note: The percentage total goes over 100%. Normally this would mean that it operates in multiple dimensions, however Elves are magical and mysterious according to half-assed DnD/semi-Tolkien lore.

It should also be noted that elves don't believe in mathematics, which lead to the Great Massacre of Rivendell. It all stemmed from the frustration of a dark elf and a high elf who, while playing DnD, couldn't agree on how much the Sword of +10 Smiting would raise an Orcish warrior's Smiting stat.


Also note that these stats are somewhat different among fictional elves played in the real world of Dungeons and Dragons: The most popular type of elf played is the subtype of the Dark Elf known commonly as a Drizzt Clone

[edit] Elvish Language

Elves speak a language called Elvish. Elves repeatedly claim that their language is full of beauty and subtlety; however, to hominid ears, every word of Elvish sounds like somebody is whispering "lthppt-thppt-thlppt-lth-lthppt-thppt-thpp-lthththppt" over and over again. The hominids' impressions were confirmed right by legendary hominid Noam Chomsky's legendary 1977 work, "Those Elves and their Silver Tongues: The Beauty Of Repetitive Whispered Thppt".

Elvish has that crazy-ass Welsh double-l sound, the hyper-alveolar laterally-transsubstantiated OMEGA Level-5 Triplex-articulated megafricative of Doom. This sound is so crazy that it has been long since been banned in all civilized countries, and now can only be found in such places as Iraq, Botswana, Bejing, Wales, Sudan, and the Klingon homeworld.

[edit] Elven Sexuality

Much is clouded in myth and prejudice when it comes to elven sexuality, but one fact remains incontestable; that all elves are inherently homosexual. The cause of this behaviour remains unclear but leading scientists have narrowed it down to peer pressure and long-term exposure to other elves. In everyday hominid-elven relations, the anrogynous appearance and effeminate behaviour of elves often lead to acts of accidental or unintended homosexuality.

[edit] People & Organizations

[edit] Famous elves

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