Abandoned Ships
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It is a known scientific fact that, at any time, thousands upon hundreds of dead, abandoned ships float about the ocean. These ships, called "Zombie Ships" by drunk sailor men, are a common host of an entire plethora of viruses, pathogens, dangerous animals, zombie creatures, cannibal crewmen, ghost spirits, the soul of demons, world-domination machines, your worst fears, gigantic sea snakes, Posideon, and just about any other possible antagonist you would face that seems impossible to go against.
Typically, these ships are blown up when discovered by humans, usually in some melo-dramatic manner that involves popping the tank, setting off the self-destruct mechanism, activating the warhead, or of some other manner involving the ingenuity of the survivors. As of yet, no realistic studies have been done on these ships, as the study groups are often claimed by the harsh dog-eat-dog (A new ban, passed by congress, forbids scientists from sending any more groups to dog infested ships) world that the ships possess.
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[edit] History
[edit] The First Abandoned Ship
It is impossible to locate the exact date of when ships become abandoned; Indeed, most scientists believe that God created the world with a surplus of such ships, therefore they as old as the earth itself. Instead, scientists use what is called the Colmes Factor to determine the age of abandoned ships. To classify a ship you have found, the use the following logical test:
- Is the ship made of wood? If so, it is Really Old.
- Is the ship made of metal? If so, proceed to next bullet.
- Is the ship actually a living creature, undiscovered but still hostile? It's age is Unknown
- Is the ship covered in guns? If so, it's age is The Cold War
- Is the ship covered in russian and/or chinese lettering? If so, it's age is Post-Motherland
- Is the ship a cruise ship? If so, it's age is 7 to 10 years
- Is the ship made of a future steel alloy? If so, it's age is Vastly Uncomprehendable
- Is the ship rusty and old? It's probably old, then.
Using this method, scientists have determined the oldest known abandoned ship to be Noah's Ark, a wooden, rust covered ship that's resident evilbeing was Unicons. As can be seen, Noah didn't fare to well against said unicorns.
[edit] Documentary Information
It can be seen that many, many movies (Often, they are documentaries, as to edit film taken on and abandoned ship would cause the alien/monster to explode the editor) take advantage of these beasts powers. These movies are not very good, but important evidence can be derived from these documentaries.
Such rules apply to the abandoned ships, as we know it. If you want to go quest for one, be sure to qualify for the following:
Always come with a group of 6 to 12 peers, make sure at least 1/3 are female, and throw in a black guy or mexican for good measure.
Establish yourself as the leader. The leader doesn't die, and gets to finish off the ship/monster, as well as scoring the last remaining female on the team.
Don't try to save everyone. The typically survivor rate is 2-3, or 0. If you are the only one left, you might as well kill youself, because you don't stand a chance.
Be oblivious to what is happening until the first 2 people die. Even then, only believe them once you see them die in a gruesome manner.
Don't walk in front of in back. Monsters like to do things in a linear fasion.
"Don't worry, I'll be fine" is something people put on their tombstones.
"We will go that way, you check that hallway" is something equally as tombstoneworthy.
Listen for the dramatic music. If you think it hints at a struggle, fight, if it suddenly picks up to a high screeching, shoot yourself.
The ships explosives are in the cargo bay. The key is in the captain's room, but you will have to watch out for that tenticle in the dining hall. You will lose a female, or maybe just get a handicapped minority. Watch out for that renegade who ran off in the boiler room, he made a deal with Satan and will kill your minority (fo sho) if you meet him.
