Abbey CBS

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“Sure, I know Pat O'Neill, we used to romp together back in the 60s...those were the days. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on , and I mean "on" Pat O'Neill


Rated second worst boys' grammar school in Northern Ireland, The Abbey CBS [1] was founded in the late 80s as a refuge for the South Armagh supporters of Hamas. From these humble beginnings, the school has grown from strength to strength, and now educates over 1,000 11-18 year old boys.


The school is located on the lesser known Abbey Road, located high above Newry in the Mountains of Mourne. Altitude sickness is a persistent problem for staff and pupils alike.


The Patron of the school is Mr Pat O'Neill, philanthropist.

Allegedly the only man alive who can speak fluent French with a Crossmaglen accent, Pat attracts a loyal band of followers, and frequently makes appearances at the popular "Pat Fest"[2]. The festival has caused controversy in recent years due to allegations of money laundering and "Soggy biscuit"


The Abbey CBS were finally admitted to the Guinness Book of Records for the most consecutive losses in the MacRory Cup. The school really are indebted to those hard working jocks.

Extra Curricular[edit]

Aside from education, a popular extra curricular activity is accosting the rival nerds from St. Colman's College over who will get the better A-level results.


Ruairi Burns, and what a shining specimen he is. [3]


  1. Abbey CBS
  2. The Pat O'Neill Appreciation Society PONAS, the organisers and primary financial backers of the annual Pat Fest
  3. Ruairi Burns official fan club