Abel Tasman

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“We will fight Abel Tasman on the beaches, we will fight him... whats that you say? Oh, so its been Hitler all along! How silly of me”

~ Winston Churchill on Abel Tasman like white on rice, bitch
Abel Tasman Posing for a photo.


“Hello Able, fancy some tea?”

~ Satan on Abel Tasman

Abel Tasman was a highley succesful explorer from Spain. He has been noted with a vast number of discoveries, mainly lots of sea with no land in it.

Early Life[edit]

Born in 1603 to a successful Opium trader, Abel spent his younger years traveling the sea with his family. It was then that Abel found the two loves of his life: Sailing and reckless abuse of Opium

Later Life[edit]

Later in life, Abel was known for his sexual conquests. He led a very promiscuous life style, often worrying many of his close friends. They feared for his sanity, as he demanded that he be allowed to make love while sailing at the same time. The fact that he was doing it with chickens really didnt help either.

Early Career[edit]

He made his first voyage as Captain in 1748, at the tender young age of three. He set out on what was supposed to be an easy voyage, traveling a short distance in charted waters under prime conditions. He set out with 45 men. He returned later that day with 7 men, none of whome were with him when he set out earlier that day, in a Speedboat

First Voyage[edit]

According to Abel's diary his first major voyage took place in 40,000,000 BC, however this is in dispute as it appears to take place several million years before he was born. Dispite all scientific evidence he set out to find the mystical islands of east Japan. Unfortunately these islands did not actually exist, contrary to what he beleived.

Second Voyage[edit]

In his second voyage, he set out to find the Great Southern Land, now known as Australia. Abel Completely circumnavigated Australia but did not see it once. On several occasions he came within 300 metres of the country but unfortunately was looking in the other direction. He did however, land at New Zeland. He felt an instant kinmanship with the New Zelanders, and writes in his diary "Finaly, There is a race of people I feel at home with. Now I know that I'm not the only one who has sexual intercourse with sheep".

Third Voyage[edit]

His third and final major exploration came about between 1723AD and 2654AD according to the carbon dating tests*. He spent the rest of his days searching for a great continent in the Pacific. He decided to make the voyage dispite the fact that many explorers had searched the area before and found absolutely nothing. Abel Tasman never returned to port and was declared missing at sea. His diary did wash up on the shores of Fiji, and from the final passage we can derive that one of three things happened. Either his hunger drove him insane, he was suffering from sever sunstroke when he wrote his final entry or a giant sea turtle named Phillice who wore a pink sweater actually did give him chocolate milkshakes and then fly him to the moon.



  • The man who does the carbon dating tests has subsiquently been shot