Absolute Zero's Life
Absolute Zero (born Abbey Solute Seerow, Father Oprah and Mother Arnold Schwarzenegger), first and foremost, corrupts absolutely. It was first introduced to modern society by Greeks in 1308. The Greeks, upon finding Absolute Zero, created various menaces with it such as the One Ring to Rule Them All and Mathematics. However, they soon lost their hold over Absolute Zero, and it corrupted them absolutely. Soon after, Absolute Zero appeared on various talk shows around the US.
The Early Years
During the first part of its life, Absolute Zero lived in the freezing wasteland that is Hawaii. At the age of 12, it moved itself to New Jersey to start a new life. There Absolute Zero found the love of its life, Absolute One. Unfortunately, Absolute Zero was seen by his peers as being "2 cool", resulting in him giving up on Absolute One. His gang, known as the Numbuz, eventually merged with a rival gang known as Alph-e-Bet. The violent war between the two clans was soon dominated by Alph-e-Bet, due to superior numbers. Later on, however, the merged group founded the new land, England.
Absolute Zero went to school at Pi School for Reformism. It was here that Absolute Zero became an Arialist, a religion primarily devoted to calligraphy. Due to his Arialistic, Absolute Zero adopted his name after the most powerful god of Arialism, "Zero". Unfortunately this was seen as Heresy to his teachers, and he quickly lost his Scholarship. 3 years later, Absolute Zero graduated with a degree. We don't know which one though, we never asked. And neither did you.
His Employed Life
Absolute Zero, in the year 1145, moved itself to Canada. Here it started the Canadian Mafia, which was unfortunately was ambushed and disbanded. However, his gang eventually evolved into what is currently known as Candy. He then created a firm with Monty "Third Degree" Burns. Burns then hired several Hitmen to kill Absolute Zero. This resulted in a large hole in the center of his body.
In 1308, the Greeks teamed up alongside Absolute Zero to create weapons of war. We aren't too sure what Absolute Zero got out of it, though. Absolute Zero is the inventor of Greek Fire, Mathematics, and Your Mum, all of which have killed thousands. Later, Absolute Zero discovered superpowers through prolonged Meditation. He corrupted the Greek Empire, causing their eventual downfall in 1567.
Absolute Zero Marries
In 1703, Absolute Zero once again found Absolute One. They may have been having an affair at the time, but we didn't ask. They married in Vegas in a drive-thru McDonalds. Absolute One became pregnant with their twin babies,LOL and WTF.
The Death of Absolute Zero
Absolute Zero continued wreaking havoc and destruction until 1943. He was taken down by the atomic bomb in Hiroshima, the only known way of dividing Zero. He was thrown into a mass grave, and was never seen again. Absolute One mourned for approximately 14.28 seconds before re-marrying to Chuck Norris. Chuck denies knowing who she is, saying that:
“Absolute One, go away! Who are you?”
Absolute Zero's Superpowers
Until his death, Absolute Zero had many Superpowers. These included: - Indivisibility - Absolute Corruption - Lazer Vision - 14 Year Drivetrain Warranty - Dance Dance Revolution Skillz - Resistance to Public Television - Immortality
Is Absolute Zero Still alive?
In a recent study, it was discovered that 1 person out of every 2 people thinks he is. Many conspiracy theorists believe that Elvis Presley was actually Absolute Zero. Elvis denied this last Tuesday. You decide.