Abu Hamza

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Abu Hamza.
MC Hamza on the front of Rolling Stone magazine

Abu Hamza al-Masri (أبو حمزة المصري) (Real name Mustafa Kamel [for once this is actually true]) is a muslim fundamentalist preacher and hip hop artiste from Finsbury Park, North London. Also known as MC Hamza, MC Hamzoid and Captain Hook. Creator of the 'Jihad Crunk' style of hip hop and singer of such hits as In Da Mosque, Hamza is currently serving a seven year prison sentence for dropping bombs of hip-hop truth. Hes also the hed of the DMPP (Dancing Monkey Pyjama Party) a group of terrorists headquartered somewere under the sea Plotting different ways to take over Aisa so they can make the citezens slaves for makeing there posh cars

Quotes about Abu Hamza[edit]

“I'd ask you to pick up the soap, but you don't have any hands”

~ Jeffrey Archer on Abu Hamza's imprisonment

“Your Fatter then a pancake on pizza”

~ French toast on Abu Hamza's Fatness

“You can't spell Fundamentalist without Fun and you can't spell Hamza without Ham”

~ Abu Hamza's opening speach at UFC

“Schizzle my dizzle. Rufio, Rufio, Rufio”

~ Snoop Dogg on Abu Hamza

thumb|Abu Hamza's biographical movie depicted the rise and fall of his musical career


Born in 700AD, Abu Hamza is the founder of the controversial Jihad Crunk political rap music movement. At the age of 6, Abu Hamza was a precocious young boy with a talent for the clarinet. His typing skills were nonpareil, and he showed an interest in semaphore. At age 9 he won the International Twister Championship, a feat he repeated for the next four years, but tragedy struck as one day he decided it would be a good idea to insert his hand into the 8-track player of his father's car.

His previous endeavours now impossible for him to pursue, Hamza sunk into a deep depression in which he spent years lying in bed staring into darkness — perhaps because he was unable to turn the light on with his clapper. It was during a shoe-shopping session, when frustrated at being unable to find good velcro shoes instead of the ubiquitous lace-up variety, that he snapped and became the Hamza we all know and love today.

Safety campaigning[edit]

Having mangled his right hand in an 8-track cassette player while listening to Genesis' Turn it On Again on the M25, Hamza became a leading figure in campaigns for safer electrical equipment. This is why the gap in car CD players is too small to fit your fingers in. Hamza subsequently appeared with Phil Collins on an electronics safety video distributed in Ugandan schools.

After his accident, Hamza chose his replacement prosthetic in honour of the rock group Dr Hook, which his friend Osama was lead singer of.

Hamza once wiped his arse with the wrong hand, ripping out a large portion of his large intestines. Although the anal reconstruction operation was a success, he can only sit down on a large fluffy cushion.

Hidden Link[edit]

During Abu Hamza's university days it was miraculously discovered during a game of squash that he was the missing link between pirates and Muslims. His long time friend and campus room mate Jeffrey Archer made the discovery after scoring fifteen-love, a charge Hamza strongly denies. Darwinists from around the world came in droves in order to study the poor Abu, who ended up suffering from many experimental anal probes; charges Hamza strongly denies.

The experience left Hamza in a distressing position as scientists used him to revive pirates, a species that had been extinct for at least 3 months. This trauma is still apparent today in his role of Captain Hook as celebrating Talk like a pirate day is a capital offence. Despite this, the fruits of this research led to the revitalisation of piracy and the creation of a furry friend we know as Abu Hamster.

He is also the greatest fisherman in the world and still to this day is the only man in the guiness book of world records to stop stop afghanis dying during the great whale hunt!!


  • Abu Hamza is the founder of the British Islamist extreme Hip Hop Movement.
  • His beard is, in fact, a specially made 'beard wig' purchased from Pak's Wig Shop on Stroud Green Road in Finsbury Park.
  • Before his imprisonment, MC Hamzoid was to be found monthly doing Gigs at the infamous Finnbury Park mosque night club.
  • The Crunk Empire does not endorse Hamza at all.
  • Charles Darwin, in his Descent of Man, cites Hamza as possibly the world's last pure neanderthal.
Advertisment poster for Abu Hamza's first session in parliment

MC Hamza was the creator of many modern classics including:

  • Stop ! Hamza Time (You can’t Hook This)
  • Mosque Commander
  • 9/11 It Wasn't Me
  • Niqabs Wid Attitude (NWA)
  • Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
  • Sledgehamza - featuring Peter Gabriel
  • In Da Mosque
  • You Hooked Me All Night Long
  • Hook The West

The Captain Hook Days[edit]

On February 2 2006 Hamza became the successor to Captain Hook, taking on his former title.

As the new leader of Pirateland he's brought into effect the following laws -

  • All men are required to grow beards.
  • Children under the age of 10 must be regularly trained in the art of Jihad
  • National 'Talk like a pirate day' is now scrapped.
  • All Danish products must be boycotted.
  • Weekly couloring book time be attended weekly.
  • Weekly Jihad competitions to be held every tuesday.

See Also[edit]