Academic Decathlon
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They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)
The USAD (Uber Sadistic Academic Decathlon) is a national organization with the sole purpose of giving high school nerds something to do after school and making them feel as if they're competing for their school at the level that heroic sports athletes do. "Coaches" of teams usually leave the decathli in the dark about these real reasons behind the USAD and often "coach" solely to gain enjoyment from tormenting the ignorant kids (hence the Sadistic).
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[edit] Decathli
A participant in the Academic Decathlon is a decathlete (plural: decathli) and member of the sub-species (homo sapiens decievent nerdicus). Although they are all this distinct sub-species from birth, unfortunately this is not apparent until high school- otherwise the little freak-foeti could have been aborted and their line gotten rid of decades ago.
[edit] Events
Being a decathlon, each meet has three events. The meets between teams usually take place at nerd sanctuaries away from the hustle, bustle and persecution of regular people.
[edit] Essay-Writing
Each decathlete must first write an essay about (insert random name here) and that person's impact on history and their life today. A standard example would be Boleslaw IV (the Curly). It is expected that decathli be able to recognize such obvious names in history and immediately begin complete theses on that person's life and intricate relationships in the world. Several years ago however a minor tragedy occurred when a likely mentally deficient decathlete could not even remember that Boleslaw married Princess Wierzchoslawa (of all the simple things!) and had to be lynched immediately.
[edit] Brown-Nosing
The brown-nosing event can be very competitive as many decathli are already experts before they reach USAD age. The events consists mainly of being shoved into a room with two or three adults who try their hardest to keep from liking the decathli who come in and suck up until their time is up. Some of the sniveling, anti-social pitiful little geeks fail, but mostly the brown-nosing sessions are epic examples of complimentary oration from kids who have been teachers' pets since kindergarten. This is why teachers are specifically kept from being the adult subjects in these events as they skew scores- almost always giving perfect 10's to the little bundles of knowledge.
[edit] Costumes
A few pathetic dweebs will even stoop to the level of dawning outlandish-yet-cheap-looking costumes in order to gain further sympathy from the adults. They don't seem to realize that by dressing up they have become the pansies among the pansies. Most notorious for this practice are the ultra right-wing jerks from Burbank High.
[edit] Super-Quiz
The final event and deciding factor in competition is the all out super-quiz. The highest scorers from the last two events are placed first in a long line of all the decathli who stand in front of a firing squad. The first in line can ask a question about absolutely anything. The next in line must answer correctly, or they will answer to a volley of funky-glasses-shattering, book-reading-eyes-smashing, spindly-legs-ripping, turtle-neck-burning and big-brain-bashing cold rubber bullets. The bullets need only be rubber to kill since homo sapiens decievent nerdicus is extremely weak and almost never leaves its lair for any physical exercise. If the second person in line does not get the question right, it is asked to the next in line until a row of broken bodies lies between the original question-asker and the person who finally got it right. The first person in line very rarely wins however, despite what you may first think, since a decathlete is also shot if their question is answered correctly. One of the only occasions that the first person won and that a single question finished the entire super-quiz was when the question was "What do I have in my pocket"? As the line neared its end it was figured out that it was a calculator, but the very last decathlete only figured out that it was a TI-84 and failed to specify that it was the Silver Edition.
[edit] USAD Today
There may in fact be an Academic Decathlon team in your neighborhood high school. If you have time, you can go beat up the wimpy nerds. Otherwise, please find them on the internet and encourage them to break free of the oppressive "coaches" and quite literally come into the light of the real world.
