Accounting
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“When it comes to Ninja skills, you've got your lethal which is like ripping out a guys lungs, and you've got your possibly lethal, like Accounting”
~ The Ninja on Accounting
“And Lo, when I come I shall rearrange your ledgers, smash your lamps and pencils and rattle your firms. You will change the tax rate, or you will know the full fury of a Forensic Account! Of unbalanced ledgers! Of FEAR ITSELF ”
~ Dark Lord Weal on Proposed Tax Change
Accounting, or the fifth Death Art, is a kind of Dark Magic practised in the land of Accountia. As it is very easy to learn yet very difficult to master, there seems to be a near endless supply of new graduates.
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[edit] History
Accounting began as a technqiue used by Nerd Jesus as a way to bring order and stupidity to his Kingdom of Accountia, by finding a place and/or file for every person and creature. Originally, Nerd Jesus was to harness all the power for himself, however the power was too great even for a Jesus.
As Nerd Jesus was openly outcast and hated by the many other Jesii at the timeand as such he refused to share the power with them. As Nerd Jesus had no other friends at the time, he had no choice but to teach the Magical Art of Accounting to his four greatest students Weal, Weinstein, Seany and Foster, creating the 4 greatest Accountants (or Sorcerers) of all time.
These Four students and Nerd Jesus used their inhuman powers to rule peacfully over the 5 Plains of Accounita, and for years and years peace and order reigned supreme.
While this worked to begin with, Weinstein organising various hydrogen and oxygen atoms together to form water for the world, Seany sorting the air into various sectors to maximise profit and Foster placing permits on where the ground was allowed to be, the power Weal had over light and dark slowly began to be too much for him, eventually driving himself insane.
As Weal killed off the other three Accountants, he gained their powers, slowly requisitioning himself the abilities of a God.
Unfortunately for the self-apponited Dark Lord Weal, each one of the Great Accountants had taught many students some of the skills and as such he was not completely unopposed, the bands of loner Accountants rarely forming a partnership called "Microsoft" to take on any of Dark Lord Weal's Evil Plans to Dodge Tax, or liquidate his Accounts Payable (Which is widely considered the worst thing an Accountant can do)
Today Accountants roam the world alone, searching for a business venture that will challenge them, and occasionally coming across another when they have a huge numerical battle, judging on who they are allied to.
A conversation with an accounting will almost certainly go look this:
you: hi accountant: i'm glad your interested
general journals record unusual events. such unusual events are
1) establishing a double entry system 2) infrequent credit transactions 3)recording the contribution of withdrawl of asses by the owner (not cash) 4) disposal of non-current asset 5) correction of errors in the recording system 6) balance day adjustments 7) the closing of revenue and expense accounts to profit and loss sumary account
yep, those are it
you: wtf
[edit] Debit and Credit
Ever since Dark Lord Weal split off and began to use his powers for evil, he has been assembling a vast army of his students for evil. He has called this army, simply, Credit. However, the other great students of the other three late masters are also assembling a counter attack, scraping together all wandering Accountants from the 5 Plains to rise up and defend the current Accounting System, which the Dark Lord wishes to change to allow less tax and decreased government spending on orphans and the eldery.
[edit] The Forces of Debit
Throughout the 5 Plains, one brave scout called Damian The Balanced Account, is collecting all scattered accountants to create a force powerful enough to withstand the Assualt of Dark Lord Weal's forces. Led by there Mighty Champion, Ulysees the Non-Refundable, and using a great deal of all kinds of Accountant, the forces of Debit are growing in Numbers Every Day.
They are striving to protect the remaining four Plains from the Cruel and Unreasonable Tax Codes that the Dark Lord Weal has imparted on the Plains of Commision.
While the forces of Debit are mainly a makeshift force, they have several secret weapons at their disposal that may give them the Upper Hand.
Some of these include:
[edit] Borrowing Elves
The Borrowing Elves are a powerful race in that while the enemy may perceive them to be there, it is common knowledge they must be killed and as such are placed in the Enemys Killable Account. However, as they are entriely borrowed, they can neither die or attack.
[edit] Lamp Monsters
Made famous by the warning pamphlets writeen by Stephen King, these 100 foot lamps that walk like men are without a doubt the most powerful things the Forces of Debit have at their diposal.
Able to easily assume the role of any Accountants Desk Lamp, the Lamp Monster is able to sneak to most places on the battlefield despite its incerible size.
With the ability to use of 1,000,000,000,001 watts of condensed heat energy to blast through enemies and flight, a Lamp Monster can easily turn the tide of any battle.
[edit] Accinjas
Rare and powerful, one in every One Supertrillion Accountants is given the rank and skill of Accinja.
Using Accinjitsu, an Accinja can take town hundreds of men with his bare hands, thousands with a weapon, and millions when given access to a legally purchased nucleaur bomb
[edit] The Forces of Credit
Under the rule of the Dark Lord Weal, the forces of credit are pure evil intent on gaining control of the World and changing the over 39 cent tax rate to 19%. He has tried this once before, failing at the hands of the Forces of Debit but slaying their last champion.
Weal has spent many years using his vast powers to create the needed gaps in the Ledger to be able to legally afford Capital Resources for his army such as giant Dragons and Ogres, not to mention the needed armor and calculators for his troops.
The Forces of Credit are numerous and powerful, using some of the greatest weapons ever requisitoned. While very few people have been inside Weal's Lair, some of these can be assumed to be:
[edit] Dark Tigers of Particulars
Dark as the night itself, these tigers surrounded Weal as he glides terribly into battle.
The beasts are at least 5 times the size of a normal tiger, and with claws made of lead pencils sharpened constantly they are able to induce not only deep gashes but also quick and deadly lead posioning.
As the beast has a sharpened tail, it gains one plus attacks as it charges into battle and due to its tough and evil looking exterior it is impervious to all long range attacks.
[edit] Accounting Pirates (Or Loan Lubbers)
Attacking from the sea, where the majority of Accountants fear to tread, Accounting Pirates use their knowledge of numbers to calculate the correct ships to plunder and the correct forms to tax it.
Accounting Pirates sail along in giant office buildings (A La Monty Python), occasionally shooting letter openers and paper weights at people. Not usually known to be team-players, they have enlisted themselves to Weal as freelancers as he has promised them lower tax rates for all plundered booty.
Accounting Pirates believe they are the chosen people, and that Jesus never existed. They only use the water because they know that should one of them fall into it, they will be easily be rescued when one of their own named "Mosier" is able to part the sea and extract said fallen pirate from the water and return him to the desk inside of his office.
[edit] Ogres of Capitalism
These hideous beast wield giant clubs, which are primarily used to beat any Communist they should come across.
As they are very small minded, Weal easily convinced him that anyone on the Force of Debit was in fact a Communist.
Now, under his commands, they march out of the Great Caves in mass numbers, beating down any Debtor they find.
There thick hides give them a 4+ toughness bonus, and there small minds make them immune to Persuasive and Bribery Magic
[edit] Magical Powers
While each Accountants powers are slightly different, there is a large 'Power Pool' in which all begginer(or Newb) Accountants must choose powers from. These are:
[edit] Accounts Receivable
This power pool embues the Accountant is ability to easily summon up Zombie Taxes for purchases that do not exist, Add Ghost entrys to more easily balances ledgers, and, at the highest level, summon a a giant black dragon that breathes Abacus beads. It also gives them a 5+ Boost to Persuasion and People Skills, making Accounts Payable Accountants very dangerous in a large group.
[edit] Accounts Payable
This Power Pool gives the accountant the power to slowly suck funds out of rival bussiness, and use them to power themselves by investing in large amounts of Workers and Technology. As such, Accounts Receivable Accountants are very dangerous when by themselves, but will weaken when in a large Party as Accountants are very petty over working standards creating many power struggles.
Accounts Receivable Accountants are given the ability to rob any one they find, living or dead, under guise of organsing their business. It also grants a built-in Life Tax, which they may impart on any person they should happen to meet.
[edit] Human Resources
The Bigger and physcially more threatening of the Accountants, they follow the teachings of the late Seany the Junior-Partner.
Using large, portable computers shaped as regulation axes or swords, which are often covered in the deep red ink used to confirm various tax forms, Human Resource Accountants are able to do a thorough background check on any potential client.
Inately gifted with a great deal of extra persuaison and charisma, each Human Resource Accountant is able to handle many dangerously large budgets at once, due to the montsrous size of his intellect and ability to see easily in the dark.
[edit] Capital Goods
Accountants who have mastered the use of Capital good based powers are particularly strong, although have very little power when caught off guard.
Utilising such tools as a pen, granting the user the power of flight, a calculator for super size and a funny little visor-hat to grant invisiblity, the Capital Good Accountant is a master of death, often using his talents for forensic accoutning.
As Capital Good Accountants are able to easily sneak through a bussiness' accounts and files, they are natrually ability with both the "Bribe" and "Wail to the Feds" ability, judging on with which side the ally.
[edit] Labour
Generally the simplest of the Accountants, Labour Accountants roam the land and syphon knowledge of the elements to bring themself greater power.
This is the most common type of Accountant, as it is very easy to earn experience due to the "Ass-Kiss ability" allowing them to easily ally with higher level accountants, as such earning them the rank of Junior Partner easily.
Many other Accountants look down at Labour Accountants,as they see them as lazy scum (or Twinks) and as such will not allow them to aid them with any tasks or accounts.
[edit] Tax
Tax Accountants are rarely seen in the direct employment of businesses, perferring mostly to be mercenaries, selling their critical services to the highest bidder. They have the ability to lessen or dispel the negative effects of tax spells, the worst being the dreded "Audit," which can topple entire businesses and for which there is little to no defense.
Tax Accountants can lessen fund-drain, delay the fund-drain or even shift the drain to other businesses. Masters of taxation can even divert the spell before it even hits due the use of the "Tax Shelter ability."
It is important to note that if a Tax Accountant fails in defending against taxation or their spells backfire, they are have notorious tendency to disappear, leaving other accountants to deal with the ravaging effects of "Audit" or angry Lords, with no help at all.
[edit] Audit
Those who choose to become Auditors trade unfathomable power in exchange of any hope to lead a normal existence. An auditor can render accountants powerless and shape the Plains to their will. Only Tax Accountants can hope to withstand the full power of "Audit" but even they fall in time.
Both the forces of Credit and Debit use auditors extensively against each other in stealth raids and the Plains are littered with desoltate wastelands where groups of Auditors faced entire armies in horrific battles of attrition.
[edit] The Five Plains of Accountia
[edit] The Plains of Interest
The Plains of Interest are where the majority of the Debtors live in peace, in small cottages and large, glorious skyscrapers made entirely of Gold. Although this plain was origianlly ruled over by the all Powerful Nerd Jesus, it is now a well-thought out democratic government, run by all the Accountants.
The Plains of Interest are very flat, the majority of it is used for farming wood for pencils and desks, which is a very valuable resource.
The Plains of Interests is where most Accountants start their careers, and as such is entirely suited to anyone between level 1 and level 16.
[edit] The Plains of Rent
Once an Accountant has reached Level 17, it is advised that they move to the Plains of Rent.
The Plains of Rent were originally run by the late Seany the Magnificent, who built the Plains to the Economic glory of which to stands today. With a constantly Greater G.D.P (Gold/Diamonds Percentage) than all the other Plains, The Plains of Rent is home to over one trillion factories.
The Plains of Rent is a small City State, with a rigoursouly planned Economy. Filled to the borders with large, low rent houses and more huge, gold skyscrapers, it can be quite overwhelming for a Newb Accountant who has just come from the simpler style of the Plains of Interest.
Due to its large nature, any level of Accounant will feel at home in the Plains of Rent, however it is wise to move on by the time you reach level 25.
[edit] The Plains of Profit
The dead kingdom, which was once ruled over by a Wise Queen Foster, lays in ruins but five minutes by Minotaur from the Plains of Rent.
Whilst once a large and gloriously lush garden state, intent on growing the World's First Money tree, they were ravaged the the Forces Of Credit in the First Great Battle, and as such is now all but dead.
The Plains of Profit house many wild animals, and Loner Accountants who skin these creatures to make ledger paper. While this Plain has no real economy or social structure, which seriously irks most Accountants, it is a very good place to gain experience and some cheap ledger paper of Local Beggers.
[edit] The Plains of Commision
Now and Forever, the Plains of Commision are ruled over by the ironfisted Dark Lord Weal, who treats his people terribly and gains a vast amount of profit from their work.
However, due to the incredibly low tax rate of the Plain, the slaves are very content, as such working long hours and all but begging to be whipped.
A terrible, fiery place in a state of constant night (to increase productivity), the Plains of Commision should only be visited by the strongest of Accountants, especially if you are not allied with the forces of Credit.
This is the last Plain needed to reach before you are ready to begin gaining prestige class, although you must be recommended level 30 to enter-the lowest ever recorded was but level 12.
[edit] The Plains of Royalties
While little is known about this plain, mainly whether it exists or not, many Accountants believe it is where all good Accountants go after they die.
Separated from the four main plains by a rough sea and a huge stone wall, the Plains of Royalties remain a mystery. The only signs of life are the peaceful tones of harps and perfectly cranked adding machines all day and night.
[edit] Classes of Accountant
As a Newb Accountant earns prestige, they slowly rise through the ranks. With each new level they gain more powers, which can work in unison with those gifted upon them for their type of Power Pool.
The classes available are as follows:
[edit] Intern(Or Paladin)
Outwardly and openly hated by all other Accountants, the Intern is the first stage reached by all new Accountants.
Requiring only 1000 experience points and Shiny Casio Calculator of Great Potential (found in the Caves of Balancing), the Intern is barely considered to even be a Class. It is allowed entrance to a Great Company (or Guild) and is openly ridiculed, beaten and forced to carry out menial tasks for their superiors, such as balancing family accounts, fetching coffee and slaying the small and weak Death-Possum larvae to make bags out of its flesh.
Becoming an Intern Accountant gives an Accountant access to the Company Computer system, increasing their Mana by 5 and occasional use of the Company Car also increases Speed. However, due to the harsh treatment their self-esteem is constantly at -10.
The majority of Accountants leave the Intern Stage by gaining 10,000 experience points (Or a better job), but it has recently been discovered one can easily move up by simply not being a cowardly, whipped, little bitch
[edit] Employee (Or Warrior)
When an intern gains over 10,000 experience points, he is insantly subjected to a very high pressure job interview (or Trial of Ra). While the interview methods themselves differ from Guild to Guild, the standard example involves a Board of Three People, a chair suspended over a pit of lava and a giant and ravenous Death-Possum.
By passing this Interview, the Accountant is insantly rewarded with the "Heavy Leath Briefcase of the Whale" and the "Exquiste Silk Tie of Dexterity", not to mention an infintely larger amount of general respect.
Now able to be trusted with a reasonable level of responsibilty, the Employees work load is often far greater than that of an intern, although the rewards are often much greater, ranging from the "Broad Sword of Liquidation" to the "Light Quiver of Flaming Equities"
The Easiest way to earn you way to the next prestige class is to behead a European Royal, however some Accounants swear they have done it by simply holding Control-Alt-Delete, while wearing the Amulet of Secondary Accounts.
[edit] Junior Partner (or Druid)
Now embued with great respect and a +4 save against all lower level Accountants, the Junior Partner is the highest prestige class available without visiting the Caves of Negative Trial Balances.
Doing little amounts of actual work, and passing the majority of that onto Interns, the junior-Partner is able to rise through the levels quickly as he spends the majority of his time on the "Golf Course" (Or Training Arena). This instantly gives him the skill Greater Proficency with Golf Clubs and the Armour Class of Wanky Golf Clothes, which may be used instead of (or in conjunction with) their usual armor.
Reaching this class provides a great advantage for said Accountant, gaining him the use of a familair, an animal of the same level as the Accounant. This may be either a raven, a wolf or a monkey, armed with either a pencil holder, a small bag of finanical paper or a cute little Accounant Hat respectively.
Having this familar endows the Accountant with 10+ to their natural Dexterity, and in most cases will be their only friend, due to the fact this class drops their Social Skills and Amount of Friends to -5.
To leave this level, the Accountant must pass the first Test of the Caves of Negative Trial Balance, and retrieve the Goblet Of Purchases
[edit] Partner (Or Necromancer)
One of the higher classes, the Partner is a powerful Accountant indeed. Imbued with the Power to openly control the actions of Lower Levels (Except of course when under orders from Even Higher Classes), and as such is one of the Generals of either the Forces of Credit of Debit.
To gain this class, the Accountant must venture into the Cave of Negative Trial Balance, bearing only the Light Suit and a Desk Lamp, and find the Mysterious Elders, who will deal out a task which the Accountant must complete within a certain time limit.
Some recorded examples are:
- Calculate the needed GST and Small Business Tax owed by a little old lady who owns an Antique Shop without biast of any kind in under 45 minutes.
- Fight off a collection of Two-Headed Death-Possums using only a blunt pencil in under 30 minutes.
- Calculate the remaining items on a Cash Reciepts Journal whilst hanging upside down and being attacked by dogs
- Fetch the correct documents, should you have visted the small Town of Reciept on the path to the Caves, and spoken to Blind Old Woman with the Abacus
Reaching this class is quite a goal for accountant, as it gives them access to the Greater Accounts (Those owned by rich families or large Companies) and allows them to gain vast amounts of Experience Points in a short time. By using this methods, which lower level Accountants consider to be cheating, an Accountant is able to become Strong enough to attempt the second test of the Caves of Negative Trial Balances
[edit] Accounts Manager (Or Rogue)
When a Partner visits the Cave of Negative Trial Balance for the second time, he will find the Cave has shifted and morphed, making it impossible to find the Elders in the same way he did the previous time.
When he does finally reach the Elders, after first finding all the needed Viewing Permits and Specking Rights, he must undertake another, considerably more difficult, set of tasks.
Some recorded examples are:
- Fighting 100 pirates while financially hiding all their plundered booty from the I.R.S
- Balancing an Entire Fiscal years worth of folders and calculator batteries on a broken pen.
- Creating a small business and making over $1,000,000 in the first hour
- Facing one of the Elders in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, while performing a Forensic Accounting Examination on an illecit business.
The Accounts Manager has a great deal of Power, in that he is able to wear all classes of armour, and in many cases wield all types of weapons. Also, due to the legal pressure such a position requires, each Accounts Manager is constantly accompained by a small Lawyer (or Dwarf) to aid them with any of the rare legal battles they man encounter. While the Laywer is fighting, all experienced is double and any wild opponent that attacks you can be instantly sued for assualt, as such giving the Accounant full access to all their belongings.
The Accountant will usually remain in this class until level 65, when he must return to The Caves of Negative Trial Balances with a group of Disposable Interns and take the next Test.
[edit] General Manager or C.E.O (Or Knight)
The final task of The Caves of Negative Trial Balance is one that sends many Prospective General Managers to their graves, and an equal number totally insane. When an Accounts Manager reaches Level 65, he must take his entire Guild Faction into the Caves, in attempt to recover the 5 scattered pieces of the Greater Ledger of Known Capital Resources.
Upon finding all these pieces, and then the Elders, the Accountant must challenge one Member to a series of Deadly Challenges called the CashPayments de Foux. This includes:
- Having a one handed, number typing race in order to create the biggest Summary Ledger they can.
- Summoning interns to try and make them cry through constant ridicule.
- An intense 4 hour game of Dungeons and Dragons, where the board changes shape every turn.
- A Contest to see which Combatant can drive a golf ball the farthest.
- A Battle to balance the worlds largest JAPANESE ledger. In Latin.
This class, for most at least, is the most powerful, giving the Accountant all but unlimited power over the Space-Time continuum and a 100+ bonus to all attributes. Many Accountants are happy getting to this level, as they gain a healthy income and enough respect and power so as they never have to do their own work.
However, if you should know how, there is one final class which is available only to the greatest of Accounting Masters.
[edit] Company Board Member (or Lord)
While currently Dark Lord Weal is the only Accountant to have gained this class, it is foretold that one day a great Chosen One will descend from the Sky to become the Lord of the Forces of Debit.
While no one person is entirely sure of how one person earns the rank of Lord, judged on Ancient Parchments and a variety of leaflets handed out by Weal's Minions, Accountanting Scientests are able to make certain assumptions about just how it is done.
Many steps are required in perfect order, all to be done on the 27th of April, on a full moon, beginning at 3.47 and finishing directly on 8.46. These are thought to be:
- Finding every single item that has the word "Balance" in it, and melting them down in the Furnace in Reciepts Town.
- Using this melted down fluid to create the Holy Perfect Sword of Supreme Equal Accounts and Ledgers (should the Accountant be allied with Debit) or the Supreme Heavy Dark Sword of Lowered Tax Rates for the Wealthy (should they be allied with Credit)
- The Accountant must take this Sword back to the Caves of Negative Trial Balances and decapiate all of the Elders, taking their heads and filing them as business expenditure, in the Transport Ledger.
- Using the heads to dam the small river at the base of Mount Expenditure, you must climb its ragged sides whilst creating a suitable insert into your work ledger to excuse yourself from missing this time off work.
- Upon reaching the top of the Mountain, you will be greeted by the disembodied spirit of Nerd Jesus himself. You must kill him.
- After killing Nerd Jesus, you must use the sword to cut off both your hands, so they may be repalcaced by Nerd Jesus' soul and, as such, pure Accounting Energy.
The only other man to have tried to gain the class of Lord, was Stephen Hawking.
While climbing the mountain, he found he had saved his company over $45 by working an extra minute per day, and as such was so pleased with himself he threw his arms up and plunged down 400 feet, losing himself the use of his arms and legs.
