Action Man

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“They got a message from the Action Man!”

~ David Bowie on Action Man

“It's official! We're getting married!”

~ G.I. Joe on Action Man

Brigadier Henry "Action Man" Smith RM (1946 - 1992) was a Real Man, whose Good Name was Sadly Besmirched.

It is often commented upon that the action figures modelled on Action Man have no genitalia, thus rendering the title "Action" "Man" unintentionally ironic. When asked about this, the manufacturers pointed out that they had merely modelled the doll on the real-life Brigadier Smith, who also lacked genitals.

Brigadier Smith, posing. Moving eagle eyes sadly unseen.

Zac Efron decided to make an Action Figure of him to give young boys a Homosexual Role Model.

GI Joe link[edit]

GI Joe and Action Man were actual Cousins (thrice removed on Action Man's fathers side), it is thus interesting to compare their parallel lives. By this we seek to find out who is, truly, the Greatest Hero Of Them All (though one mug, free with an Easter Egg, testifies even under tremendous scrupulity that it is Action Man).


  • During school GI Joe was of course some obscure member of his Secondary school football team, The Action Men, now we all see where he got his porn star name from. He probably played for about 30 seconds in each game and when he did play he was padded up to the eye balls. He was also on the Hockey team, but the Rules confused me, so fuck knows what he did on it.
  • Action Man was of course Captain of the First Eleven in Cricket (Don't ask me why he liked bugs, he just did!) and First Fifteen in Rugby for his secondary school. When playing Rugby he didn't need any poncey (I don't know what this word means, it just sounds soooooo cool and British!) padding (he always wore a box batting in cricket, obviously).

Military Career[edit]

* Not a military disaster just a PR one.

  • Action Man joined the Royal Marine Commandos (and the SBS) and likewise fought in a series of Military Operations including:
    • Konfrontasi
    • Aden Emergency
    • Iranian Embassy Siege
    • Falklands War (Massacred hundreds of Argentinians, Hiel Action Man!)
    • The First Gulf War - Killed in battle with a Republican Guard Tank Regiment (which had incidentally already surrendered).

After his Death[edit]

  • GI Joe gladly accepted the position of chief tester of whatever ludicrous bauble the US Military industrial complex has thought up to justify their existence including a Go-Kart, Ohhh hard!
  • In 1997 an American claiming to be one of his numerous Love children emerged and has appropriated his nickname. His pathetic antics on roller blades, Mountain bikes, snowboard and other tat and the "Protecting the Environment" from "Dr. X" thing have not gone down well with the Public and the estate of Action Man have launched legal action against the new pretender.

who is action man[edit]

Only Barbie knows, i wonder why? hmmmm...