Action Movie 3
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Action Movie 3 is a 2040 film and the second sequel to Action Movie written by a bunch of bastards who think that movies are funny if you swipe bits out of other movies. It was made under the working-title of History Movie before being released as the third entry for the Action Movie series.
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[edit] Plot? What plot?
The movie opens in a Dinosaur Museum somewhere in England, where XXX, the lunatic assassin from the first two movies (played by Tom Cruise this time instead of Michael Jordan) is hiding some Microfilm on a Dinosaur skeleton, but he falls off and breaks his legs.
Elsewhere in the Museum, Dr. D. Crepid (played by John Wayne) is lecturing about a 19th Century time machine that was found buried alongside a Penisaurus. XXX is about to leave when a Nazi agent arrives and chases him around the Museum, before XXX steals the time machine and disappears.
XXX arrives in 1776, and is captured by George Washington (played by Pamela Anderson), who mistakes him for Benedict Arnold. XXX punches his lights out and leaves in the time machine and arrives in 1812, where he is identified as having popped Washington in the balls and is now an enemy of the state.
Travelling forward in time to Pearl Harbor, XXX disguises himself as a Japanese fighter-pilot in order to elude the fighting and to get the time machine to safety. Unfortunately, as he does so, he runs into Adolf Hitler (played by George W. Bush), who is operating a fighting-machine invented from schematics the Nazi agent had found in the Dinosaur Museum and brought back to World War Two in his own time machine.
XXX fights Hitler, and loses. His time machine is stolen for no apparent reason other than to further the plot, and is left at the mercy of Japanese fighters. He runs after Hitler, and boards a German submarine that takes both him and Hitler to France. There, while Hitler is having rampant sex with Marie Antoinette, XXX steals the time machine back.
Travelling a little farther back in time, XXX ends up in Death Camp 13, a Nazi summer-camp just opening in 1936. There, XXX finds a microfilm for a formula on how to make fine wine from spunk, and steals it in the time machine.
The time machine returns to the present, but is destroyed after overuse. XXX hides the Microfilm on the Dinosaur and the whole cycle starts all over again.
[edit] Cast
- Tom Cruise - XXX
- John Wayne - Dr. D. Crepid
- Pamela Anderson - George Washington
- Paris Hilton - Thomas Jefferson
- George W. Bush - Adolf Hitler
- Homer Simpson - Marie Antoinette
- Mickey Mouse - Nazi agent (uncreditted)
- Meg Griffin - The Loved One (uncreditted)
[edit] Aftermath
Since 2042, PBS has come under the control of the Galactic Empire, who allocated it to the Planners from Outer Space to take charge of. Ever since that time, no plans have ever been made for an Action Movie 4, and many UFOlogists and Conspiracy Whackos have died trying to find out why, but perhaps it is best if we never know, especially as the first three movies were absolute bollocks, anyway.
[edit] Movies Parodied
- Dude, Where's My Time Machine - The time machine
- Flesh Gordon - Penisaurus gag
- Grindhouse - Death Camp 13
- The Putz Who Stole Hanukkah - Nazi agent
- Pearl Harbor - Pearl Harbor, duh
- Slappy's Angels 5 - The Dinosaur Museum and the Microfilm
- Time Bandits - Flitting back and forth in time like there's no tomorrow
- V for Vendetta - The XXX character from the first two movies
- The War of the Worlds - Fighting Machine gag
| The Scary Movie series | |
|---|---|
| Scary Movies | Scary Movie • Scary Movie 2 • Scary Movie 3 • Scary Movie 4 |
| Action Movies | Action Movie • Action Movie 2 • Action Movie 3 |
| Cartoon Movies | Cartoon Movie • Cartoon Movie 2 • Cartoon Movie 3 • Cartoon Movie 4 • Cartoon Movie 5 |
| Date Movies | Date Movie • Date Movie 2 • Date Movie 3 • Date Movie 4 |
| Musical Movies | Musical Movie • Musical Movie 2 |
| Spy Movies | Spy Movie • Spy Movie 2 |
| Other Movies | Alien Movie • Disaster Movie • Epic Movie • Monster Movie • Shark Movie • Silent Movie • Surreal Movie • Suspense Movie |
| Fairy tale movies | Shrek • Shrek 2 |
