Adam Carolla
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“I love all people and I strongly recommend you reproduce, whether or not you can afford children or even if you are an unmarried drug addict. I just love kids so much! ”
~ Adam Carolla on life
“Keep up the good work!”
~ god on Adam Carolla
“The world is your oyster, I mean, because that's all the world is.”
~ Adam Carolla on the world
Adam Carolla (born 27 May 1964 in Geneva, Switzerland) is a quarter jew religious fanatic who currently resides in what he describes as "heaven on earth", Los Angeles. He is a comedian, producer, actor, and wears a Chia Pet on his head and the area where his eyebrows meet.
[edit] Early Years
Carolla, born in Geneva, is the only child of a Jewish/Japanese mother and an affluent Italian master pianist. His boarding school experience was not like his peers in that his parents made several visits per week to visit their son, with Adam's father once calling Adam his "greatest accomplishment". The senior Carolla once noted that his favorite pastime is spending time with Adam and reminiscing about attending the football games Adam played throughout his youth.
With such an influential and well-to-do father, life couldn't be better for a young Adam Carolla. His father purchased a European sports car for him at the age of 14, spending the next two years and countless late nights restoring the vehicle together. Perhaps having something to do with having exclusively European sports cars as a youngster, Adam Carolla now exclusively drives American automobiles.
Carolla's love of literature did not get in the way of his studies, eventually graduating top of his class from The Little Lord Fauntleroy School For Albino Hemophiliacs, with a grade point average well beyond the 4.0 mark.
[edit] After college
After graduating from university Carolla took up a career in carpentry, aspiring to be like his all time hero and role model, Jesus Christ. His faith got stronger the more time he spent with "born again" Christian colleagues. Christian talk radio was a mainstay on the construction sites he worked on, and Adam frequently called in to tell how awesome God is and how grateful we all are for his presence. The radio station liked Adam's monotone drone so much they hired him to record public service announcements about airplane turbulence and housing discrimination.
As an avowed Christian, Adam shuns all forms of pornography. Subsequently Adam believes large breasts, whether natural or implanted, are a sign of the Devil and are a guarantee that whomever has them will go straight to Hell. Adam also believes that masturbation is a crime and an immense sin against God, and that just because God gave him a penis does not give Adam the right to try to pull it off his body at least three times a day. He believes that rape is a violent crime, with orgasm at the end, and that the only orgasm anyone should be having is the kind they get when dreaming of God and the Kingdom of Heaven in their sleep.
Early in his broadcasting career, the station he worked at was planning a radio stunt called "Knocking out the Devil", which required Carolla to get boxing lessons. This is how he met Jimmy Kimmel, boxing instructor, Adam's future sidekick and eventual fellow co-host of "The Amen show", a television program that spread the word of God. A lover of all people and cultures, Carolla later licensed the brand to Al Jazeera, which created a program called "The Imam Show".
Adam Carolla, in the mid-1990s, was asked to co-host "Loveline" with Dr. Drew Pinsky. Loveline is a radio call-in show and outlet for people around the globe to express their love for Jesus Christ. Carolla was proud of the intelligence of his callers and their ability to explain, for example, the profession of their fathers or boyfriends.
[edit] Adam Carolla with Teresa Strasser
In the mid-2000s, popular morning radio host Howard Stern was kicked off the air and jailed for satanic, indecent behavior. CBS Radio, producer of The Howard Stern Show, wanted to change its reputation so it asked God for advice. God quickly recommended Adam Carolla to replace Mr. Stern, with Danny Bonaduce as his co-host. Carolla soon discovered he got along with Bonaduce too well and that he didn't contribute enough to the program. This led to him being replaced with Republican Teresa Strasser, who actually has a backbone and will speak up when she disagrees with Adam Carolla.
Regular segments on the Adam Carolla show include "Ranchero Music Monday thru Friday" and "Adam Carolla's Bookclub". A regular in-joke on the latter segment is that Miss. Strasser, with her loathing of the written word, always forgets to read the book of the week, yet Adam has read it multiple times.
[edit] Cancellation
On 20 February 2009, CBS Radio cancelled Carolla's radio show on account of his refusal to stop spreading the word of Jesus Christ, our lord and savior. In fact, CBS cancelled the entire station, afraid of backlash by politicians, the vast majority of whom are atheists. KLSX, the former "godstation," switched to the fast-growing "All Ranchero, all the time" format.
[edit] "Godcast"
Peeved at "the man" effectively cancelling his life, the religious, rebellious Carolla resorted to the newfangled "podcast" medium of broadcasting. It has proved extremely popular. It is said that a direct correlation can be made between the podcast's popularity and the revival of the American Puritan movement.[citation needed] Carolla has a strict "no fucking profanity" policy in place.
[edit] Carolla vs. Hawaiians vs. Asians
Often, Carolla's love for the Hawaiian culture is misunderstood by others. When he calls Hawaiians "the dumbest people" whose domain could be thrown into chaos with "a Bic lighter," he still has compassion for their people, "the lowliest of all God's creatures." As a tribute to the islands, his creation Terry the Pterodactyl dumps hated celebrities into the open crater of a Hawaiian volcano. As a gift of aloha to Carolla, radio affiliate KPOI dropped his Loveline show. In forgiveness and appreciation of the Hawaiian people, Carolla still signs off every radio show with a gracious "Mahalo" every day. "Mahalo" is a cognate of the English word "hollow", referring to Hawaiians having nothing in their heads.
Carolla also has a great respect for Asians for their "ching chong" dialect, and was voted Man of the Year by the magazine AsianWeek.
