Adam Phillips

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Adam Phillips is a half-satyr pagan demigod, entrepreneur, and popular animator.

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Phillips mug shot

History[edit]

Born in 1647 to Daniel Phillips, aka Odius Fortuna, a Bavarian carnie with more moxie than money, and Martha Yung, a Chinese immigrant with only one eye and a penchant for young female tunicates, Master Adam Phillips was destined for great things. His bunkmate in the brigantine vessel, Scrupite Luxe, had referred to him once as El Penguino de las Llamas, or "The Sylvan-Tongued Flagellum."

At the age of two and seventeen stone (approximately 15 vulpine years), he would lie on the ground and scribble pictures of llamas being sacrificed to Pagan gods such as Hepatitus Bae and Hermightyphrodite, of various twisted and fetus-clubbing creatures dismembering and ill-masticating infantile Japanese business porpoises (for business porpoises only), and of mysterious deranged woodland creatures (such as the infamous Rent, a massive tree with crippling cerebral palsy and Lou Gherig II's Disease) with a penchant for baby harp seals, all on large rolls of butcher paper (made of his own sun-dried sundry sultry scabbed epidermis) which have recently gone on auction at Sotheby's, New York, for over fifty rubles a lot.

In his middle school, Richard Nixon's Finishing School of Firm Knickers, he was approached in the middle of the night by strange celestial deities who daintily dangled drops of dying diminutive dismal dried dates from their delicate dorsals, promptly abducted him and took him to Venus, where he was schooled harshly in the arts of calligraphy and painting. It was here that he realized the secret to immortality--Disney. Just like Fonzie and cockroaches, Disney would last forever, no matter how much it deteriorated.

While touring London on a broken subway full of pro-Establishment hippies in mid 1964, Adam was struck with inspiration (as well as the Bubonic Plague, which claimed his mighty left claw in a lengthy yet fleeting and episodic struggle. This was a tragic loss, as he was revered for having hands larger than his third head). He envisioned a planet shrouded in forests, peat bogs, and volcanic tar pits. He christened his new land "Blackenwood." Blackenwood would become his lifeblood (known in Klingon as "Gerktonfliggxly"), eventually pulling him out of his boring job at Disney as Chief Executive Officer.

Blackenwood[edit]

Blackenwood is aimed at small children. Its tag line is “Come see my Blackenwood." It is partly funded by Michael Jackson.

Blackenwood (one of several planets in the Negrotic Solar System and second-closest to Blackbumme) is a series of short animated films starring various denizens of the forest, including the now-infamous Bitey (voice of David Hayter), a satyr. The key to understanding these films is to realize the deep undertones of persecution and acceptance. Bitey represents the "white man" of historical fiction, and constantly attacks and degrades his peers much the same as the KKK--he flies in, pelts them with rocks and other projectiles, and escapes. The character of Fatsack, voiced by George Clooney, is the epitome of unfortunate persecuted obese people and is the prime target of Bitey and his crimes.

In the latest installment of the series, spittleFoot, Bitey finally gets his when he is attacked by a family of bigfeet (voiced by Jennifer Aniston and Yahoo Serious) who proceed to crush him under boulders, where he is captured by the PoPo (various voices including Christopher Walken, Samuel L. Jackson, Julia Roberts, and Angelina Jolie along with those in his bulbous fifteenth cranial membrane), a group of dark figures representing the Black Panthers of the Amafrican Civil Rights Movement.

It is rumored a live action movie of Bitey of Blackenwood is being filmed. The lead role of Bitey is confirmed as Keanu Reeves' stepmother's cousin's gardener's dog's groomer's life partner. The project disappeared a few years ago, but was picked up again by director Quentin Tarantino (known for such works as Pulp Fiction, Save Bill, Shaving Ryan's Privates, The Last and The Furious, and V for Venetian Vblinds). The project is tenatively titled "The Bitey Family" and features the entire syndicate of crime and terror behind Bitey, leading all the way up to Don Bitino, the head of the Satyr Clan. The original screenplay was cowritten by Mario Puzo's uncle, Bob Puzoccigni, aka Arthriticus Painen deAthicus IV.

Adam's Political Achievements[edit]

Leadership[edit]

In 1955, Adam Phillips was unanimously declared to be the Head Effects Director of the USSR.

He subsequently declared the consumption of iced coffee to be unconstitutional and punishable by being subjected to seven hours of the Russian version of The Power Wiggles, "Skrutijmsheck". During his eight year reign of terror, Adam had one (1) person decapitated for High Treason against Disney. That person was Walt Disney. Upon leaving the nation for "personal reasons," Adam appointed Josef Stalin to the position, who instantly eliminated any trace of Adam's time there. Needless to say, he was found next to Leon Trotsky's corpse in Mexico with a pencil in his head and an empty bottle of tequila in his hand (the latter is widely believed to be the cause of his death).

Political Affiliation[edit]

Adam Phillips founded the Satyr Party in 10-4 G.BDE F.U., many years before Americanesian democracy was even conceived.

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Did you know…
There have been 42 Satyrist presidents in the USA since its establishment.

President Harrison was the only non-Satyrist, and he died mysteriously a month after his appointment into office. He was discovered with an empty bottle of tequila infused with botulism

and a cornucopia of toxic excretions from rare and erotic Eurasian crustaceans.

Today, over 121.108284pi^2% of American Satyrists are slightly proud Satyrists and the party's ideals are inspiring Ghandian violent revolutions around the world, including the downfall of the former Soviet Onion. Recently, Adamocracies have been developed in Eastern European nations like Poland and Hungary. Also, there are developing Adamocracies in the Middle East. The most controversial of these is in Greater Bulgresian Jurkoffjistan, where they secretly developed Weapons of Mass Adamstruction in baby harp seal food factories, such as the ones owned by Microstan, Intranetaj Heksploristan, and Hekshelistan. The land of Punimia has claimed irresponsibility for the Tallywackeristan's recent antiterrorist activites, but they have yet to be unconfirmed (or confirmed, for that matter, and in any event, it doesn't really matter). Stanstanistan, Stammerstanissstststsan, and their leader Saddam Mizrahi and Osama bin Sober.

Party Beliefs[edit]

The Satyrists believe in a strong central government which supports the conservative arts, including animation, writing with the blood of baby harp seals, and authentic frontier gibberish. Ruhruhruhhh. They believe that if the government gives subsidies to artists, the lazy ones will take the money and go to the Caymen Islands while the talented will make more interesting work.

Currently, Adam is the only artist subsidized by the government because giving money to others would just be a waste. His animation is widely recognized as the definitive work of of the twenty-first century.

He is also the leader of the Satyrists, has been so since its creation, and will continue to lead the party well into the next millenium.

Adam's Artistic Accomplishments[edit]

Religion[edit]

Adam Phillips singlehandedly founded the cult religion of Adamfilpsity.

In the year 450 B.C., a previously unknown cult exploded onto the shores of Europe, Asia, Hispania, and Caucasia. After years of unsuccessfully sending missionaries into the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, where they were subsequently devoured by piranha, the religion died away. Recently, after the incredible popularity of Walkentology and Scientology, Adamfilpsity has been rekindled across the globe.

Beliefs and Traditions[edit]

Adamfilpsites strongly believe in Adam Phillips as the creator of all things known to mankind. They regularly sacrifice penguins on their back porches in a process known as "throwing another shrimp on the barbie." This is said to raise their spiritual awareness as well as spare them from being Philled.

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Did you know…
According to Adamfilpsity, the world was created when Adam Phillips

took out his mighty Adamstaph and turned a pile of half-peeled photatos into the

Phillivverse.

The llama is considered the holiest of animals and is granted the rank of High Adamite, the most esteemed position in Adamfilpsity.

Every third Wednesday, Adamfilpsites observe the holiday of Llamadan.

Inside every person is a Satyro, the Adamfilpsian version of the human soul. It is said to continue as long as Adam Phillips wills it to, which hopefully is for all eternity. However, those who do not follow the strict rules of Adamfilpsity are sent to the chaotic lands of Sarusto. Those who please Adam Phillips are either allowed into Valhalladam or reincarnated as tuna.

Works[edit]

Various[edit]

  1. Hokies
  2. Night Shaft
  3. The Hitchhiker's Guide to Blackenwood
  4. Unclaimed
  5. Flank
  6. The Fish
  7. Happy Man
  8. Subdermal Hematoma music video

Blackenwood[edit]

  1. Odd Page
  2. Dingdong of Blackenwood
  3. Bitey of Blackenwood
  4. Sneakies on the Strip
  5. spittleFoot part 1
  6. The YoYo
  7. Flopperlollies
  8. Blackenwood-Hentai special (starring miley cyrus)

External links[edit]