Admiral Ackbar
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“It's a trap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on this Uncyclopedia Article
Admiral Allah Ackbar of the Rebel Alliance is a member of the Fried Calamari species. He is a favorite of Star Wars fans and Italian food fans, to the point that in many nations around the world, especially those in the Middle East, North Africa and parts of South East Asia (regions where Star Wars fans are the mindnumbingly overwhelming majority as y'all know), he is revered as the second most delicious God in the universe (behind the Flying Spaghetti Monster). Now retired, he enjoys habitually appearing in JPEG form on internet message boards to warn humans with his trademark "It's a trap!" phrase that a nearby pornographic image is not a chick, but rather, a dude, and for that matter, a very ugly one.
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[edit] History
Ackbar, also known as Admiral Hu and Othello, began his career as the Moorish commander of the Spanish Armada who led the historic naval assault on the clowns in 1588 and the state of Kansas. Descended from the squidlike Moors that had occupied Spain for hundreds of years, Ackbar had a natural affinity and aptitude for nautical life that enabled him to rise to the heights of the Spanish Navy. Impressed equally by Ackbar's ability to command a crew and to breathe underwater, King Phillip chose him to lead an assault against the British Navy, which was now threatening galactic domination.
Thanks to his strategic prowess and seamanship (and not, as some revisionist historians have ascribed, to the trivial hundreds of heavily-armed galleons in his fleet), the Spanish were able to defeat the Empire and crush its incipient hopes for populating the cosmos with WASPs.
Though the expedition seemed on the verge of misadventure when Celtic Druids conjured a tempest in order to drown the fleet, the quick-thinking Admiral rescued his charge and proved his fitness for command when he issued the terse but indelible admonition, "It's a trap!" Thus recognizing the situation, the Armada was able to avert the storm, defeat the Druids, and lay waste to their ultimate target, Britain's secret weapon the Death Buoy. The Empire defeated, their commander Lord Vader was forced to sign a treaty of surrender aboard his ship, the HMS Missouri, and cede all land in North America to Spain. Banished from the northern continent, the British were instead relegated to colonize South and Central America while the Spanish-speaking peoples flourished in the north. Even today, the British-descended Southern Hemisphere remains firmly entrenched in the Spanish North's hegemony, all owed to the legacy of Ackbar.
In his final years, Ackbar was sent out on another errand for Spain, this time to the New World. He was ordered to retrieve Christopher Columbus, who by reports had established himself as a 'white god' among the indigenous population and exploited their labor for the ivory trade while making indecipherable pronouncements regarding "el horror, el horror." Alas, this mission proved to be the Admiral's last, as he tragically choked on a biscuit at a party in Russia, where he was vacationing afterwards. By stroke of chance, his crewmates had enough Tartar sauce to make the most of the problem with some fried Calamari, as suggested by the (other) Hannibal. Eventually, the fact that he was digested prompted some religious followers to say that a miricle had happened and he left this world as not quite dead.
[edit] Ackbar, the Holy
His role as a God began five years after the Battle of Yavin, (or 1982 in Earth standard years), when a small band of devoted followers rode across the middle east, conquering the old governments with their superb horsemen and Mon Calamari cruisers. The religion took hold across the world, spreading relatively peacefully eastwards and westwards, until the present day. It is believed there are around 1.2 billion Calamarians across the globe, as of 2005.
Rarely known are The Admiral's merits in interreligious communication, which may be because they are rare themselves. Nonetheless, out of pure kindness he worked hard to learn the Yodese phrase "a trap it is".
[edit] Religion
[edit] Beliefs
There are essentially two types of followers of Allah Hu Ackbar. The first are residents of Fark. These people worship Ackbar by photoshopping him into nearly every image that they create. Often they will repeat the holy phrase "It's a trap!" in their images. Another one of their gods is Cliche Kitty. The other group of Ackbar's followers are the Calamarians.The beliefs of Calamarians differ greatly from person to person, but most believers follow the sacred tenet that everything is a trap. This comes from a passage in the Calamarians Holy Book, the novelisation of Return of the Jedi, where it is written "and lo, Ackbar saw that the Death Star was still functioning, and that the general known as Solo had not brought the shield down, and with some despair he proclaimed to his loyal followers, 'It is a trap'." Subsequently, Calamarians are a very paranoid group of people. They also believe that Ackbar died for our sins and will return to bring us to His holy kingdom of Mon Calamari.
[edit] Practices
Calamarians have a diverse number of practices, mostly involving swimming. They take great care in looking after squid, believing them to be a sacred creature. Fridays are their holy days, when, after hearing the holy song (known as The Imperial March) played at dusk, they enter their sacred flagships and pray that their cruisers can sustain firepower of that magnitude. Biscuit eating festival is held on 29 feb on non leap years. Nude dances and sause dipping is done to get good nipple shapes.
[edit] The Early Years
There is only an oral history kept of the early years in Mon Calamari Religious History. The very first Mon Calamari were soon to tire of swimming, harking instead to a craving for flight. This, as can be understood from the one intact shell painting preserved in the Imperial Archive on Coruscant, did not work out very well at all, culminating in the "100 Years of Hate". What these entailed is lost to history, but was surely a nasty and not nice thing for the local folk. By this, we mean bad or at the very least a cause for discomfort. This could well be loosely connected to the Mon Calamari distaste for putting any form of recognisable wing upon their mighty, log shaped space vessels.
[edit] Critical Reaction
Western countries have cited the controversial nature of this figure, who believes in open rebellion against all "Imperialist scum." An often cited passage states that after dying in battle, the true follower will live on through "the netherworld of the force." Critics believe this motivates many Jihaadists to commit acts of suicide in order to "become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
Jihaadists have stated that regardless of western beliefs, the force will be with them, always.
[edit] Split
There is, however, a growing split between Calamarians over the true creator of the Holy Book. Many believe it to be George Lucas, while a smaller, but rapidly expanding number believe it to have been CZ-3, who appears in the first installment, called simply "The Star Wars". One side maintains that CZ-3 was a minor, mostly fictitious character; the other maintains that George Lucas is too far fetched to have existed in real life, and was probably a metaphor used to describe the decline in Hollywood's production values. Both sides, however, believe, often to the point of death, that they are correct.
[edit] Quotes attributed to the good Admiral
“It's a trap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on traps
“That's no moon, that's Luke's mama”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Padme's Obesity
“What'chu know bout traps?!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on traps
“It's a completely safe situation!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Traps on Opposite Day
“It's a Jap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar Fighting in world war 2
“It's a Gap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar points out where the Imperial fleet is at its weakest
“It's a Crab!”
~ Admiral Ackbar finds out what bit his toe on the beach
“It's a lap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on the top of your thighs
“It's a flap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on the mechanics of flight with most birds/bats
“It's a Tran!”
~ Admiral Ackbar Finding Chewbacca in a bikini.
“It's a lap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on the unit of distance expressed by those recounting races of any sort
“It's a large Crap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar going to the Home ones only toilet.
“It's a trap card!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Yu-Gi-Oh
“It's a tap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on plumbing
“It's a complex mega hyper-hedron!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on nuclear fission
“And I tap 4 mana!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on MTG
“It's a trap!”
~ Allah Ackbar on anything
“It's a track!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on railways
“It's a Von Trapp!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on The Sound of Music
“It's a tarp!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on pitching a tent
“OMFG 1t'5 4 tr4p u n00b lol”
~ Admiral Ackbar on leetspeak
“One time my Detect Traps crit, and I realized the rebuilt Death Star was fully operational.”
~ Admiral Ackbar on World of Warcraft
“It's crap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on This article
“It's the Clap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Having sex with you
“It's a load of crap!!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Wikipedia
“!part a s'tI”
~ rabkcA larimdA on lasreveR
“In Soviet Russia, Trap Is You!”
~ Russian Reversal on Traps
“Our taste buds can't repel flavor of that magnitude!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Admiral Ackbar Cereal
“It's a snap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Traps for Dummies
“It's a... aw, hell, you know the drill.”
~ Admiral Ackbar on traps
“We should have listened to him all these years...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Admiral Ackbar
“It's a trapface”
~ Admiral Ackface on traps
“It's a carp!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Fish spotting
“It's a Tram!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on San Francisco
“It's a strap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on shoes
“It's a hat!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on er...hats...
“It's craps!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on gambling
“It's a Trachea”
~ Admiral Ackbar on The Digestive System
“It's a Trappuchino!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on his morning refreshment of choice
“It's a frappe?!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Brigham's
“It's a Tramp!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Your Mom
“It's a Prat!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on You
“It's a Jihad!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on United States of America
“It's a Trap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Your Mom's vagina
“Sit a Tarp!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Dyslexia
“Ackbar's fish sticks from the sea,they cook so tender and flaky, whip some up for you and me, to pass them up would be a big mistak-ey”
~ Frigrin D'an and the Modal Nodes on New Admiral Ackbar's Fish Sticks
“It's a long list of quotes that basically say the same thing over and over again!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on this list of qoutes
{{Q|(Article with no Gramma!)Trap of qoutes!!!|The STAR WARS GUY IN THIS ARTICLE!|qoute above
“It's a trap!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Traps
[edit] Through the Looking Glass
- Known among the British as "a foreign gentleman, fondly remembered for stating the bleedin' obvious."
It is a little known fact that Ackbar was fondly called "Mon-Squishy" by his closest companions.
[edit] Products
- Admiral Ackbar is known among many people as the famous creator of Admiral Ackbar Cereal. Unfortunately, it did not sell at all, mainly because it consisted of a box with "IT'S A TRAP!" written on the box in bright red letters, with nothing inside the box (but there are reports of some unfotunate victims getting warped into hyperspace because they really were traps). Recently, he has produced a line of fishticks, which are oh so tender and flaky. To pass them up is a big mistakey. They, too, say IT'S A "TRAP!". Inside, there are not fishsticks, but bear traps. Apparently, Admiral Ackbar never inspected the factories, as he was afraid it was all just a trap.
IT'S A TRAP...CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] See also
- Star Wars
- Richard Nixon
- Cats
- Oprah Winfrey
- British Empire
- Han Solo
- Spanish Armada
- Christopher Columbus
- US invasion of Mexico
- Libertarianism
- Andrew Lloyd Webber
