Afrikaans

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"The Language of the awesome people", Afrikaans originated when Dutch settlers arrived at the Cave of the Lost Pope in 16,000,000 BC. After discovering that Koos (the token Afrikaans speaking figure) forgot to bring the women with, they decided that they needed to communicate with the local wildlife in order to seduce them. The animals spoke a superior language, so the settlers improvised by using mating calls and a new language was born.

When cocaine was discovered in De Aar the Scotts came to South Africa for the big coke rush. The Scotts got very frustrated with the ineffective sand drawing way of communicating, so they devised a new, but more effective, way of communicating for the settlers - thus Afrikaans was born in a glorious ceremony of nothing interesting at all actually happening.

Today Afrikaans is only spoken by the Afrikaners who live in the Kingdom of Orania. Speakers of languages such as Anglo, Qwerty,Americano, Franco and Gibberish feel very threatened by Afrikaans. The only languages that are less widely spoken are Wagooli and Pigeon Swahili. (citation needed) It is widely considered to be only slightly better sounding than a yak dying as it passes through a meat grinder.

Linguistic properties[edit]

Afrikaans has no grammar and to this date no written record of the languages' existence has actually been found. The language does contain some rudimentary hand signals though. Unfortunately we have to use high tech graphics to illustrate, since no western keyboard has a picture of a “braaitang” (eng: barbecue stick). And trying to provide an ASCII approximation would just be plain silly.

Being a relatively young language, Afrikaans contains some advanced linguistic properties hailed for its total arbitrary and completely contradictory nature. For example, Afrikaans employs a technique known as the Double Negative. An instance of this is the sentence

                   Ons hou nie van die engelse nie
                   Us hold not of the English not
                   "We don't like the English"


Another often applauded linguistic construct is the unique expression "Ja nee" as a means of expressing agreement. This translates as "Yes no". Some scientists believe the language's contradictory nature is one of the main reasons behind the abolishment of the Apartheid regime (PW Botha wanted to say "nee" (eng: "no") to the suggestion of abolishing the regime but a stray "ja" (eng: "yes") filtered into the sound system, and was inserted before his intended reply). Also, the use of the double negative has been getting the blame for the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in some scientific circles. AS what they do gg

Vocabulary[edit]

Afrikaans’ own vocabulary is very small. Most of the speakers don’t even know that the words they consider to be their own were actually borrowed from more advanced languages like Mongolian, Arctic Mandarin, Mexican, Namibian (A dialect formally known as South-West African) and Northern-South African.

Pronunciation is very easy if you’ve seen movies like Mr. Bean, Tarzan and South Park.

English Afrikaans
Good Afternoon Hullo
Read Ek het vergeet
Funny Globale Giettergat
Crazy Mal in jou kop
Rugby Rakbie
Brandy and cola Klippies en KOUK
I like jou Ek vrek oor jou
I don't like you Ek like jou Fokkol
I am angry Ek is Fokken kwaad
Please pass the salt Gee die sout
You're toast Ek poes vir jou
Don't mess around with the firecrackers Watse kak jaag jy aan?

Culture[edit]

Apart from bar fighting, Rugby and SABC Treffers there is not much more to the culture of Afrikaans speaking people. Afrikaans people are very aggressive and easily offended. Much like dogs, eye contact is an indication of a physical challenge. The Afrikaans speaking person (or Afrikaner) will respond to direct or indirect eye contact with the phrase "Wat kyk jy?". This means that the person is preparing to engage in a fight with you. At this point in time the initiator of the challenge can cement a physical confrontation by confirming the challenge with the phrase "Jou Ma", one of the most important and frequently used phrases in the Afrikaans language, or, if the initiator does not want to proceed down this path, he can back down from the fight by either applauding his opponents' rugby team or congratulating his opponent on the mileage his Bakkie gets.

A popular activity amongst the Afrikaners is injecting Oranges with cheap brandy. This ensures that the consumption of alcohol can continue during a Rugby match (without the alcohol being confiscated at the gate of the Rugby stadium). This consumption of alcohol from orange containers usually have as a side effect the intense over-use of the above mentioned "Jou Ma" phrase.

Afrikaners also invented the Creepy Crawly (A home karaoke system affordable for the man on the street), Klipdrift and Kakpraat.

Cultural Revolution[edit]

The Afrikaans culture experiences a major revolution every 200 years. This usually occurs when the Bantu star Isidingo is eclipsed by the Aryan moon Agter Elke Maan. This incident is revered to as Boerevryheid by Afrikaners. Boerevryheid can only be observed from any foreign metropolis containing less than 99,000 Afrikaners (E.g. London) or any rural settlement containing no more than 10,000 Afrikaners (E.g. Bloemfontein). This event has not been recorded or recognized by any credible scientist to date.

The first revolution, Boerevryheid 1.0, occurred during the last years of the 18th century. At that time the Afrikaner culture and music was still in its infancy and not dominant enough to stomach the revolution on its own. As a result the leaders decided to translate German, Dutch and even American folk songs into Afrikaans.

The second major revolution, Boerevryheid 2.0 (de la Rey song), started in 2006 when Bok van Blerk released his de la Rey album. This revolution has been flagged as one of the most controversial. It has been tarnished by infighting within the Afrikaans community since inception.

The most debated argument of the revolution is the versioning. Hardliners in the Afrikaner community believe that it should be versioned 1.1 to replace 1.0. There is also another group of Afrikaners who feels that 2.0 are too low for such an important revolution. Consequently events like the daily slaughter of Zimbabweans by the Zulus are enjoying more attention these days.

Music[edit]

A typical Afrikaans album on its debut release.

Afrikaans music is not very complex. It comprises of basic repetitive bass kicks called "stamp ritme" and midi sounds as an extra.

The vocalists make noises like:

-"da-idi"

-"ska-rumba"

-"patayo"

-"koe ma doe"

-"Ra ta ta"

which does not mean anything in the Afrikaans language. It is also the only lyrics that Steve Hofmeyr can remember, because he makes it up as he goes along. Who's your daddy?

Cinema & Television[edit]

Medi(a)ocrity is the entertainment cuisine of the Afrikaner. Much like Afrikaans music, the television shows are simple to understand and require the basic motor skills brain capacity to follow. The same ten actors are used for every Afrikaans series which makes the show's story line irrelevant.

Afrikaans actors are trained in the art of over acting. This technique adds to the drama and captivates the hearts of many Afrikaners.

Towards the end of the millennium, when television was first introduced to South Africans, a major problem had to be solved. There were no local shows and the only shows available were B-grade German detective shows. This of course had to be translated into Afrikaans by 'would be actors'. In order to lip-sync effectively, a new language had to be developed, called 'oorklankiaans' (eng. 'translatio' ). The English sentence 'Stop or I'll shoot!' would then be translated into 'Staan stil jou idioot, of ek gaan jou skiet en jy weet dit!'.

The most popular Afrikaans show is Noot vir noot: a (20 year running) game show about vomit inducing music. Noot vir noot is presented by an Afrikaans speaking Parrot and the contestants are members of the public that meet the minimum weight requirement of 100kg. The main feature of Noot vir noot is the in-house band called "Die musiek fabriek" (eng: The music factory). This group is better known as the "Maak My Siek Fabriek" (eng: Make Me Sick Factory) by real musicians. The "Musiek fabriek" band members were sent to South Africa by Vogons to perform a century-long mind control experiment on monkeys, but instead decided that the Noot vir noot captive audience was much closer to the now-extinct South African monkey.

It has since been unveiled that not only is the presenter of Noot vir Noot (read: Parrot) affiliated with hell, but is in fact a distant cousin of Belzebub himself. Also, since the fall of Apartheid in 1994, several international underground secret organizations (the Illuminati, amongst others) have claimed Noot vir Noot as being a human mood-manipulation experiment that got way out of control. However, this theory is not supported by the "Musiek Fabriek" band members, who confessed about the whole Vogon agenda while being tortured.

Transport evolution[edit]

The ancestors of the Afrikaner nation were booted off a V.O.C. boat quite close to the South African shore. Their only function was to grow mielies and produce goat cheese which the V.O.C. would then pick up every now and again during their mail trips. The V.O.C. did not think that the Afrikaners would get far on foot, but they did not know about a lone German amongst the Afrikaners. His name: Helsa Bakkie.

Helsa Bakkie V1.0
Helsa built the first Ossewa (Ox wagon) that would enable the Afrikaners to travel inland and breed with the natives. The first version of the Helsa Bakkie was not very efficient or fast and it took several decades to travel inland. Once the Afrikaners reached the mighty Apies river, they decided to stop and rethink the design. The redesign of the Helsa Bakkie lead to the creation of:

Helsa Bakkie V2.0
Helsa added a engine and replaced the wooden body with a more durable steel construction. Helsa V2.0 is still the preferred mode of transport of many Afrikaners today and looks a lot like an American Pick-Up truck, although it is not as big. Helsa Bakkie V2.0 comes in 0.5 ton and 1 ton versions.

Helsa Bakkie V3.0
Some Afrikaners make too much money and these individuals decided to create an exclusive (and expensive) version of the Helsa Bakkie V2.0 called the "Vier By Vier" (literal meaning: Get out of my way). The Helsa V3.0 is not able to perform many of the tasks that the Helsa V2.0 could, but it sure does look like it is built to do something (although this is not the case). The Helsa V3.0 looks a lot like the American SUV. It also boasts the 1000 page manual usually found in the cubby hole of other luxury (usually German) vehicles on the subject of "How to behave like a Cunt on the highway".

Traditional food[edit]

-Dried meat (any kind including Ostrich) called "Biltong" literally meaning Cow tongue.

-The brandy Orange

-Low quality meat stuffed in intestine called "Boerewors". Afrikaners also refer to their penis as "Boerewors"

-Burned meat called "Braaivleis". This is usually made on any dirty piece of scrap metal

Traditional Clothing[edit]

Short shorts that start at the navel and end just below the crotch - they make a hookers hot pants look conservative. Before the end of Official Apartheid, their wear was compulsory by statute law for all male Afrikaners over the age of twelve. However this has now been relaxed, and now only thirty stone, white supremacist, Afrikaner males are obliged to wear them.

See also[edit]

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UNAMERICAN
This article hates America, just like everyone else does. See more about Unamerica.

Consequently, this article lacks much or any redeeming intellectual value. However, even though no one smarter than a doorknob has contributed significantly to this article, it still contains more truth than you may be able to handle.