Airbourne (band)

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Airbourne (band).
The Band Members, literally giving the thumbs up on giving each other a right good seeing to after another gig

Airbourne, a band you've probably never heard of, are a group of turnip worshippers from the land down-under. They are especially infamous for their songs sounding like Judas Priest, AC/DC or any other classic band you HAVE heard of.

The Introduction of Airbourne; through Turnip Worship[edit]

O'Keeffe activating The Machine, moments before the accident.

Airbourne was formed by Joel O'Keeffe in 2003, an hour after his turnip worship. He constructed a machine able to harness the power of lightning (a weather phenomonon common in Australia due to it being the origin of a certain High Voltage rock band you WILL have heard of)so that his turnips may take a life of their own. As soon as it was ready however, a fork of lightning struck the machine and sent the future singer and guitarist to certain doom with several thousand volt turning his pubes to nylon. Fortunatly he landed upon a passing turnip lover called Ryan and somehow the two ended up doin it like deprived rabbits as the machine melted. Afterwards Joel realised that the accident had left him with guitar skill beyond an australian's normal capablities; and deep throating Ryan several times and having to swallow his load had left him with a high pitched voice, ripe for singing. The two married later that year in front of all their turnips and became Joel and Ryan O'Keeffe, a superhero guitarist and his wife who enjoyed taking out his domestic violence fantasys by bashing his own drum amidst sreaming fluids.

The other Members (Also Turnip Lovers)[edit]

The O'Keeffes first called their band 'Judas/DC' before changing to the like of, 'AC\Priest', 'Not Judas Priest', 'Not AC\DC' and then finally 'Neither AC\DC or Judas Priest. When they attended a turnip seminar they met future guitarist and avid Turnip Huffer David Roads, who joined in their nightly romps. Justin Street joined them after paying Joel five groats to suck him off. Eventually they decided on the name, 'Airbourne' after Ryan O'Keeffe described what to was like to be on the reciving end of Joel after Turnip Worship.

The Worship of The Turnip Pays Off[edit]

“To Worship Turnip, Rub Dick all over Turnip, Chant Turnips' Name and then, but only then, must you pray for satly orgasm”

~ Lemmy; Now St.Lemmy of the First Order of Holy Turnip on Turnip Worship

Eventually they got their saught after record deal after a few years spent jamming, turniping (a better version of The Jamming) and making drab porn videos. Their first album, 'Really Big Cock' was completly shit and nothing happened from it, except that they were spat on by Steve Tyler. They prayed to the Turnip to grant them a way to make it big in the music industry so they could Huff Turnips and later take advantage of the likes of all twenty Young Brothers, (except Malcolm, but he could watch) Mick Jagger, Keith Richards (who had already embraced the turnip) and Plato. Then they had their brainwave on a stormy night jerking off to Judge Judy.

Cummin Child (and the church of Turnip)[edit]

Joel O'Keeffe chooses his next victim to quench his turnip.

Joel got the idea of stealing well known guitar riffs but playing them so badly that nobody could recognise them. Three hours later, Cummin Child was released. It was well received by the Australians, because they are so stupid and the band tasted the success and spunk in their mouths. They have supported The Rolling Stones, Motorhead and Pope Benedict IX; and have done at least one member of each band. The song, Cummin Child even featured Lemmy embracing the turnip in one long, repetitive orgasm. The band had reached their goal, and they worshipped the turnip lovingly.

No Sluts, No Horny[edit]

After their money and limited fame ran out after Cummin Child,the band managed to raise themselves from their bed of turnips and undeserved hookers to make another album. It was promptly named No Sluts, No Horny as Joel confessed to a crappy rag of a magazine you wouldn't wrap your chips in that the name derived from his strained marrage to Ryan. Apparantly he is unable to get a hard on when looking at his wife, until he puts on scanty clothing and charges him $20 for a handjob. It was released on March 8th 2010; and was immediatly hailed as Boring, AC/DCish and Downright Bollocks. Nonetheless, it produced enough currency for the band to return to bed with more turnips and cheap (and often dead) hookers; at least until they run out of money again and need to record another shitty album.

Present Turnip, Er I mean Day[edit]

Airbourne are still around it seems, due to the fact that the majority of people are really stupid and are unable to realise that their riffs ARE STOLEN. They're certain to remain on the periphery of Rock n' Roll until they come up with something that isn't half-assed and boring; that'll be the day. As a final note: Jesus! Do you not realise that they're shit? Utter bollocks because everything IS STOLEN! Open your fuckin' ears!

Discography[edit]

Albums[edit]

  • Really Big Cock
  • Cummin Child
  • No Cash, No Hash
  • No Sluts, Not Horny
  • Turnip

Live Albums[edit]

  • Live at the Playschool

Singles[edit]

  • Too Deep, Too Hard, Too Fast
  • Cummin Child
  • Family Jewels in the Guff
  • Back in Black again
  • Reoffending by Breaking the Law
  • No One But The Hard On