Airplanes

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“Oh my God! This wasn't in airplanes for dummies!”

~ Your Stewardess on hearing you're going to crash.

Contents 1 The History 2 How they work 3 How to fly 4 You know you are going to crash when 5 Ten Aspects of Flight 6 Jetlag 7 Things to avoid 8 The Three Most Dangerous Things in Aviation 9 The Three Essentials for Copilots 10 The Black Box 11 "Doing a Plane" 12 Airplanes: Not Just for Flying Any more 13 War Planes 14 Airplanes of The Future 15 Planes and mastercard 16 Hanger Badgers 17 Filmography 18 See also

[edit] The History

Throughout history, many people such as the Greeks, the Chinese, the Woodland Faires, the Oompaloompas, and the Minnesota Vikings were thought to have had various success in building flying machines that flung victims to their deaths. The renown Italian renaissance team of the Wright brothers from Dayton, Ohio succeeded in building one such contraption, the SR-71 Blackbird, mostly to escape Dayton, Ohio, for obvious reasons, but a controlled, economical way to waste billions of dollars getting somewhere late without all your luggage intact still eluded the best minds of the day.

The Airplane's only known natural predator is the Helicopter, These two machines have been fighting a hidden war ever since the start of time and driven by Aliens that come to earth on meteors, at night when there is no bloody idiot wondering around a airport they can be heard fighting up to 234,000,000 miles away and have been know to cause Earthquakes , Tsunamis and Micheal Jackson conventions .

The first airplane ever designed was a goose injected with rocket fuel. Every time it farted the pilot went quite a distance. Sir Jacob Spencer Paul Leblanc was recorded with the first successful flight, flying a distance of 3,189 meters on one can of beans.

The first "true" airplane was invented a long, long, time ago, by some guy who lived in a place which is now Greece. Just like the first one, it didn't have engines, it was made out of wood and wood alone. In contrast to the first airplane, though, these boats...err...planes had a framework, and was not simply a huge square winged platform made out of cheap logs bound together by a pieces of duct tape.

This "true airplane" was later improved by some sky-faring merchant creeps called "Phoenicians". These Phoenician guys attached to it a bed sheet called a "sail", which hung on pole called a "mast". With these, the plane was powered not anymore by mere human force, which gets worn out very quickly. Instead, the plane was powered b the wind. The bad news is that, if the wind stops blowing when the plane was airborne, it would spell certain doom.

Because of these inconveniences nobles switched to horse-drawn airplanes. Santa Claus flew a deer-powered airplane.

These innovations later led to larger airplanes, and later larger planes which just got larger and larger.

Meanwhile, the environment-conscious Indians and Eskimos learned to conserve nature by using animal skins instead of wood in building their aircraft. This proved to be very handy because it made their airplanes small in size and lightweight. Problem is, it was powered by those huge spoons they call oars.

Eventually, in the 1800s, with the development of the steam engine, came the steam plane. With the help of steam, planes were able to fly without oars nor wind, and were able to fly until all the water evaporated and the plane crashed to the ground. This also allowed metallic planes to fly.

Steam was later abandoned with the invention of the electric fan. By attaching one of these to an airplane, the Wright brothers (Orville and Wilbur Wright) made the first-powered flight recorded in history.

Then there was the poo plane. I don't know how it works but maybe I'll just include it...

The modern airplane as we now fear it, however started off as a joint business venture between Microsoft and Satan back in 1987 as a more efficient way to frustrate human souls into a state of resigned supplication. But with the unraveling of their dealings (along with their soured romance) back in 1996 (Satan claimed Gates was too profit-oriented), the airline industry became unregulated, and Microsoft had to find some other way to wreak havoc.

[edit] How they work

Airplanes are based on the principle that "what goes up must come down." The idea being, of course, since an airplane takes off, it must also land. This works out perfectly, as people must get on/off "planes," as they're called for short. George Bush Junior however severely discredits this theory as no-one has ever seen him get on a plane therefore we must assume that there is another man that dangerously stupid who lives inside the plane, gets off in foreign (a.k.a. terrorist countries) and is shot when discussions end. This theory is highly credited by most of the sane, intelligent non-repuplican world. For more information see George Bush and Terrorism.

The airplane actually uses people power to keep aloft, based on harnessing the energy produced by the reaction of highly toxic "peanuts" within the stomach and the reaction is causes with the acid and the lining of the stomach causes many passengers to produce a noxious gas, that indeed helps the plane remain aloft. Often, airlines will also offer carbonated beverages, as a catalyst in the reaction to further increase the production of gases, and the increased lift, necessary for flight. Most passengers are indeed advised to listen the Mel Gibson movie as they watch it, to ignore their lofting, deafening flatus.

Any excess of gases thus produced are channelled through the seat bottom to the engine for additional thrust, not unlike the afterburners in use on many modern military jets. the seats are prone to thrusting dildos up unsuspecting pilots' arses.

They mate and mulitply readilly - biplanes with both helicopters and other airplanes. Jets are freaks in the aero world.

No one truly understands the complexity of aircraft, although there are many theories very few have been confirmed as facts. Recently acquired evidence has many scientists, engineers, and aviation enthusiasts around the globe debating the possibility that aircraft reproduce in ways very similar to humans and animals. The results of which can be quite bizarre.

[edit] How to fly

Easily.

It's easy to become a pilot. You only need to remember these few iron rules:

1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing on highways is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt AUTOPILOT!
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Auto-pilot is ALWAYS your best friend. Do not betray him, or he will turn off and kill you. It's called the eject function, and these things have a habit of screaming while running in circles. Can be found in the Nile river off Texas.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. Odds are snakes got loose on the plane.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. And bad judgment normally comes from sleeping on the job.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. Engines are optional.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. Unless one day the legislative branch decides to re-instate the anti-grav. amendment of 1621.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and fuel left in the fuel truck.
25. Birds are Kamikaze pilots for small planes.
26. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
27. Do not go near the edges of it.
28. Geese actually aim for the windows.
29. Crying children disrupt air traffic signals, just like cell phones.
30. Cell phones in fact do not disrupt the plane's equipment in any way, but they do attract lightning.
31. If you can't procure a parachute, just try to keep a fat passenger between you and the ground.
32. Making friends is easy, in a plane crash, anyone between you and something hard is a friend.
33. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
34. If it's getting hot in the pilot seat, it means that the air coming in is trapped. that's really dangerous for you and the passenger because snakes will crawl in. so if this happens, shoot the wind shield with a pistol until you can breathe again.
35. The way to make a small fortune out of aviation is to start with a large one.
36. And finally if you're blind don't apply for pilot training.
37. really don't even bother, its much easier to be a blind man.
38. Don't taunt the Earth.
39. Don't fly in the Bermuda Triangle or the Japanese Bermuda triangle commonly known as the Dragon Triangle of Insane Death.

[edit] You know you are going to crash when

1. the pilot sits right next to you
2. the birds seem to fly upside down
3. You play in the movie "final destination"
4. you can see the people in the building
5. the engine flies in front of you
6. when the ocean is in the sky

[edit] Ten Aspects of Flight

1. Stall
2. Overspeed
3. Fall
4. Spin
5. Crash
6. Burn
7. Crash again Into school
8. Slowly opening miniscule bag of peanuts
9. Allah Allah
10. Crash again Into school full of Orphans
11. Contact with Megatron is a No-No.
12. Court Case
13. Jetlack
14. Eating aforementioned peanuts while looking at things you can't afford in Skymall
15. "This is the captain. We are low on fuel but we have enough to make it to the crash site"
16.  ???
17. Profit!
18. AIDS?
19. Spruiking
20. When you just got Shunked

[edit] Jetlag

Jetlack is a special condition connected with flight and flight only. A person afflicted by jetlack will be extremly tired. After a couple of days the tiredness will diminish and be replaced by a blind monkey with a broken leg constantly beating your head with a lead pipe (sometimes a Churro). A great deal of scientific research has therefore been directed to the study of jetlack. It has been discovered that jetlack is caused by Oompaloompas living in the luggage compartments of most modern aircrafts, and they usually come out and sing, mostly annoying hip-hop songs and things that would otherwise make your ears bleed. Like most dwarves, the jolly dwarfs caursing jetlack are magical beings with abilities to create fireballs, lightning bolts, and crabs. Anyway, Jetlack can thus be avoided by consumption of large amounts of anti-depressants and/or Vikoden. It is speculated by top-of-the-line scientist that the monkey and/or clamydia is actually caursed by actions commited at the flight destinations (especially to the moon or Atlantis) and not the jolly dwarfs. Why the dwarfs are jolly cannot even be speculated(though many scientists will reason they are GAY).

[edit] Things to avoid

1. Plenty of Runway behind you.
2. A seat kicker behind you.
3. All of the dirt and ground above you.
4. Tornado's
5. Volcano's
6. Lava Tornado's
7. Tostitos
8. The Sun
9. Fat people
10. Lightning
11. Snakes
12. Snakes that spit lightning
13. Hemorrhoids
14. Bob
15. Bermuda Triangle
16. Japenese bermuda Triangle of Insane Death
17. Japenese bermuda Triangle of Insane Death 2
18. Death Star
19. Fariys
20. "WHOOP WHOOP PULL UP"
21. Wizards
22. Allah
23. Terrorists with boxcutters
24. Terrorists with AK47s
25. Terrorists with RPGs
26. Terrorists with your mom
27. Mario
28. Paper Mario
29. Hamish Wing

[edit] The Three Most Dangerous Things in Aviation

1. An aircraft mechanic with a pilot's license.
2. A pilot with a toolbox.
3. Snakes.

[edit] The Three Essentials for Copilots

1. Yes sir.
2. No sir.
3. I'll take the ugly one, sir.
4. That's not a gun, Sir, I'm just really tall and really happy to see you.

[edit] The Black Box

Made of hardened human skulls, the "black box" (it's actually orange but airlines don't say that since it could start a mass panic) is the piece of equipment that records important flight data, such as how many times the toilet is flushed, and whether the inflight magazines were stolen from the seat pocket in front of you and if not the Skymall magazine was used for anything besides toilet paper. Some people think that the black box is used for useful stuff, but it isn't. Not really. But you can believe it if you want.

The black box ALWAYS survives plane crashes, so the young dragons that live inside it can claim all the luggage of the deceased. It's a lucrative business that's lovingly called "The (Luggage) Strap Market" by noted Aviation industrialists Willie Nelson and Charles Lindberg.

It has been suggested that if planes were made out of black box material then they would always survive crashes too, but as planes are made by the people who sell planes, survivability is not a desirable attribute in the eyes of the plane makers as it decreases the likelihood of customers buying more aircraft to replace bent and mangled ones.

[edit] "Doing a Plane"

Meaning to chuck a tantrum, not wanting to do something or go somewhere. Being very berserk, thinking the world is against you A.K.A Doing a Plane. There are many people in the world who are "Planes" please, it could happen to you, please give pills, anything to help them get better.

---

For Example:

Travis: Alex! you're out!

Alex: No im not, you cheated

Crowd: You're out Alex!

Travis: Alex! stop doing a Plane!

Alex: 0mfg n00bz

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Here is a typical plane acting normal. [1]

[edit] Airplanes: Not Just for Flying Any more

Although airplanes are most commonly used for transportation, they have many other valuable uses in today's world.

Airplanes can be used

1. As houses
2. For birding, as ships are for fishing.
3. To collect dust in museums
4. For crashing into aircraft carriers (see Zero)
5. recycled into bottle caps and piles of melted airplanes
6. As the toothpicks of horrific beasts and giants.
7. To be hijacked by an Arab speaking person
8. To imprison people until they buy things.

Airplanes are SO multifunctional that they have even been suggested as replacements for the Swiss Army Knives carried by none other than the French Navy.

[edit] War Planes

Humans and ants are not the only species that make war on each other. The airplane has waged many destructive conflicts throughout history. Various airplane factions have been allied with one side or another in many major human wars over the last 100 years.

The first airplane specially bred for battle was the Fukker DR1. This plane was happy to slaughter the indigenous air species of France in return for a tankful of good German beer. It was eventually neutralized by British planes such as the Spaz VII.

The Second World War involved the airplane factions to such an extent that even the normally fat, sedentary individuals were called to service. These fat planes were used for hauling cargo if male, and the females were sent to drop their explosive eggs on the enemy. Special human-designed breeding programs produced agile fighters with vicious machine guns and shark teeth.

The successful modeling of DNA, which was attributed to Watson and Crick but had actually been done during the war by German biologists, led to new advances in airplane breeding that culminated in the jet subspecies. Planes became faster, deadlier, and more agile than ever before. Aeronautical genetic engineering is a multibillion dollar industry in many nations and is usually considered classified as a matter of national security.

Some Famous Warplanes

• The F-86 Sabre and Mig-15 were originally the feuding-clan descendants of two different offspring of an early German jet prototype.
• The U-2 spy plane which defected to the Soviet Union, turning over its pilot, Francis Gary Powers, later gave birth to the even-higher-flying MiG-25 Foxbat.
• The Mirage 2000 is so hard to see that nobody is actually sure it exists. But it only works in the desert, which is why the Israeli Air Force always steals the design from the French.
• The Su-27 and its successors were the first to perform the famous "cobra" maneuver. As one story has it, they were watching old Westerns with the pilots one night, and they liked how the horses reared up when the fighting started, and decided to copy the horses. But "horse" would have been a lousy name for the maneuver.
• The first plane to bomb Japan was an American-bred B-25. It had shown such poor talent in its training that it was called "do-little." But this only motivated it to complete its now-famous mission, "Do-little's Raid."
• The B-29 that bombed Hiroshima, the "Enola Gay," was actually a male plane despite its egg-laying role, hence the name.
• The F-22 Raptor is the world's costliest fighter at $100 million each. Most of the money is budgeted for search teams whose job it is to track down and corral the stealthy fighter when it sneaks away from its airbase, which it does regularly. (Update: The F-22 has been forbidden to breed by Barack Obama as punishment for its bad behavior, and will not be allowed to breed again until it shapes up, if ever.)
• The MiG-33 OVT can turn so sharply that the radius of its turning circle drops below zero and becomes negative, sending it to another dimension.
• The F-35 Lightning 2, or Joint Strike Fighter, was the offspring of one of the less troublesome F-22's and a docile Harrier. It can dogfight and sneak like F-22, and can hover like a Harrier. So far it has behaved well though its numbers are few.
• Almost all Soviet warplanes remained Communist after the collapse of the USSR, and they still are today.
• The B-2 Spirit bomber started its martial career with a stint as the Bat-plane, but was fired by Batman for being an unmaneuverable piece of shit.
• After the B-2 entered service, many of the older B-52's were forced into retirement. Some of them formed a pop/rock group and had a few top 40 hits.

And btw, the B-2 is actually the "costliest", or in correct english, most expensive

war plane ever made, at about 2,2 BILLION USD! And check out how I correct English when I can't even edit properly!

[edit] Airplanes of The Future

In the Future, airplanes may very well become an integral part of everyone's lives as both butlers and "friends with benefits". The airplane of the future was expected to be the Concorde but because it was such an awesome design the passengers kept dying of amazement. Also the fact that they crashed. A lot. Usually badly.

We can only hope that the next generation of planes from Airbus and Boeing will be willing to provide "first-class services" to all of us.

The Russians will create the Mig-434343434 in the year 6666 and it will be able to fly to Mars in -8.6 secounds because of the light speed it travels.

[edit] Planes and mastercard

mastercard often advertise on airplanes even if there is no T.V. These adverts often piss passengers off and make them urinate in their pants, this is because the adverts normally go like this; a flight to New York £360, a flight to tokyo £590, your life (the plane crashes here) priceless!

[edit] Hanger Badgers

Hanger Badgers , are known to dwell In number around aircraft tending to like the oil , shiny things and people with too much money . In some parts of southern England upto 9,000 hanger Badgers have been found at one private airfield These Animals , Although cut and cuddly (So cute that yo just want to hug them) are not and are well know for either ripping your eyes out or stealing you seat at the bar . Like Global warming , some people do not believe in these deadly creatures which have been reported to grow up too 12 feet tall and own Time share apartments in Alicante but never clean up after going (Which is a real pain in the backside) anyways Minor ex-vice presidents Like Al gore have given many slidshows that make it look like he has done all the work (when really a korean has) to smart looking people In Important places such as China and Prestatyn . Still nobody believes in a word he says.

Hanger Badgers have been linked to the death of the Big bopper , the disapearence of emily earheart and a shit load of other bad things.

[edit] Filmography

During the short history of airplanes, many lame attempts have been made to capture their significance on film. Here is a list of recent and/or upcoming movies regarding airplanes that you should probably wait until they come out on DVD to view:

• Muthafuckers on a Plane (Christmas 2006)
• Scary Movie about Muthafuckers on a Plane (spring 2007)
• Muthafuckers on a Plane II, III, and IV (spring of 2008, 2009, & 2010)
• Instructional Video on How to Land a Plane
• A landing at Gnome air force base
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q35xHzjxB0&feature=related= pilot training

[edit] See also

• snake
• snakes on a plane

Other flying things, like:

• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• AirGoat
• aircraft
• snow
• angel
• Rockets are held up on pure awesomeness

American Airlines