Al-Qaeda

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Binbush.jpg A message from Al Qaeda
Observing fire safety regulations, these Al-Qaeda members simply display the flag of the nation which they hate. One man shouts 'Bilmemna akbar' (death to the West).
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“All your nuke are belong to us”

~ Al-Queda on Weapons

“They put the "fun" back in "fundamentalism"!”

~ Tamia on Al-Qaeda

“Who?”

~ President Bush on Al-Qaeda

“Hm, where do I sign up?”

~ Some idiot on Al-Qaeda

Al-Qaeda is a fictional creation made by the FREEMASON LIZARD ELITE JEWS inorder to do some crazy fucking conspiracy-takeaway-freedoms-911-inside-job-CIA-gay-shit. The story the FREEMASON LIZARD JEWS want you to believe is thatAl-Qaeda is a non-profit Communist political party of the United States killer, composed of right-wing Fundamentalist Christians. Their manifesto is spearheaded by a main wish to bring beards and turbans to all males, while covering all women with black suits making them resemble Ninjas, for the reasons of personal sexual fantasy. The party's presidential candidate is The Right Honorable Reverend Osama bin Laden, former governor of the North Pole. Since 9/11, for which Al-Qaeda is blamed, Al-Qaeda has slipped from mainstream politics and Osama bin Laden is in hiding. Their proposed Vice President is Darth Vader, or perhaps Dick Cheney. They hate the westerners because they have virtually no penises (result of too much self destructing acts which cause balls to shrink, reduced testorone and in the long run, extremely tiny (0.1cm average) penises. Thus they hate the westerners because after watching too much porn, they got into several low depression called the Big (penis) Depression doing great damage to their economy. They cannot accept that the westerners or even Asians have bigger guns than them. So they decided to blast all countries with bigger penises than them. As their Cockran tells them to do so. Translated into English, Al-Qaeda means "the base" as in: "Most people call you the elite, I call you my base." AL Qaeda is also a division in Major League Baseball's American League.


History[edit]

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, a rebel organization headed up by Osama bin Laden challenged the evil Galactic Empire in a battle of men, women, and the rights of homosexuals to be both. 16,000 years before the birth of Christ, bin Laden traveled to Earth in a giant gold-encrusted cocoon, high off his ass on cocaine and unable to maintain a consistent erection as he crashed into the world he would one day declare war on. For millennia afterwards, fueling his hate by watching videos of sodomy he was not allowed to take part in, bin Laden emerged upon an unspecting world on January 1, 2987 - and then stole a time machine to travel back to 1981, where he joined the anti-Soviet war in Afghanistan and promptly ejaculated for the first time in almost ten thousand years.

The 16th century was a period in which some Muslims were pissed off after years of crusades . Many believers wanted a place to secretly smoke and drink alcohol, which before the days of the European invasion was never seen in the Arabic world. All this smoking and drinking brought cleric Coulter to decide that he/she could start a group of friends who would get drunk then kill some infidels and be promised x number of virgins where x = # of crusaders killed.

Al Qaeda's attempt to get very little kids "into the spirit".

All of this drinking caused many of Al Qaeda's members (who had a low alcohol tolerance) to start going on suicide raids of crusader towns and encampments. This did not work well, because no virgins could be earned from drunken suicide mission on the crusaders. Coulter realized this, and summoned the almighty fascist council ( Fox News ) to console her and find a way where in killing oneself while drunk, many virgins could be attained. The Fascist Council knowing the secret of gunpowder from the Chinese decided that powder kegs could be detonated upon the infidels so that the suicide bomber could then attain at least 20 or 30 virgins for all eternity. Coulter embraced this wise ruling, and saw it justified that he/she could train the most holy ones into drunkenly blowing themselves up and they could do the suicide jobs for her since he/she didn't need virgins in eternity- he/she already has both genitalia.

Thus, the friendly Al Qaeda we know today was born.

Muslim timeline[edit]

  • Al Qaeda enter into American politics and are beat to the bat by Communists and Nazis who rule the world for next 1000 years lead by G W Bush
  • Al Qaeda are blamed for 9/11 and run away into caves devolving to primitive cavemen who's technology is limited to videotapes
  • Al Qaeda paaaaaaaar-taaaaaay!!!

Cunt Status[edit]

Al Qaeda are considered by the vast majority of the worlds population as a bunch of cunts.

Terrorist attacks attributed to Al-Qaeda[edit]

  • The Big Bang - Beginning of the Universe
  • Pearl Harbor- December 7th 1941 B.C
  • Bearded men steal arms from Hiroshima - December 25, 1945
  • In celebration of Al-Qaeda's most importantly observed religious holiday, Osama bin Laden steals two arms from nuclear corpses to give to his disabled father. Years later, the young Osama becomes estranged from his family and turns Al-Qaeda in a militant direction.
  • A car bomb explodes in Kabul - June 2, 1989 then every second day.
  • A frying pan catches fire, attributed by coincidence to above incident
  • Four aeroplanes fall out of the sky over the sea - October 21, 1992
  • Home Alone 2 - 1992
  • The World Trade Center, New York, is bombed - 1993 (discuss?)
  • The rest of the bombs laid in the World Trade Center are set off by planes which crash into the towers, toppling them both - September 12, 2001
  • Three trains in Madrid derailed, derailed? - March 11, 2004
  • The Red Sox win the World Series - October 2004
  • They blow up some other shit - repeatedly, as shown on the news
  • Black man steals bike
  • The return of Dercy Gonçalves
  • Made Robbie Williams release Rudebox
  • Blink 182's indefinite Haiti, which most people don't know what the fuck that means but they haven't toured yet.
  • Annual "Bring a Bomb" picnic for the under 5's - July 4th 2006
  • Extinction of the dinosaurs
  • Armageddon(1998)
  • Icebergs the size of Texas break off Antarctica
  • the staggering growth of EMO culture (as you can tell from all of the suicide bombings...geez.)
  • Bomb Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. Building. Causing Candace to bust her brothers.

Recruitment Song[edit]

Al qaeda!
You can shoot your fellow man!
Al qaeda!
You can bomb Afganistan!
Al qaeda!
If they find you take this pill!
Al Qaeda!
You'll be doing Allah's will

Al Qaeda!
You can take the underground!
Al Qaeda!
If you hear a ticking sound!
Al Qaeda!
You'll know just who it is!
Al Qaeda!
It's us rocking terrorists!

Al Quaeda!
We follow George Dubya Bush!
Al Quaeda!
With our nukes we'll turn your cities into mush!
Al Quaeda!
Cartoons 'bout Mohammed offend us a lot!
Al Quaeda!
But killing our own people and others does not!

Al Qaeda!
You can take the underground!
Al Qaeda!
If you hear a ticking sound!
Al Qaeda!
You'll know just who it is!
Al Qaeda!
It's us rocking terrorists!

(sung to the tune of "in the navy"). (c)dan patton and adam gray

Weapons[edit]

Al Qaeda often uses the weapon of the might panda bear to scare their adversaries into submission. On a recon mission in western Pakistan, the Information Bureau of Real Terrorists spotted Osama humping a wild water buffalo.

Beliefs[edit]

Mathemetics behind Al Qaeda beliefs[edit]

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Did you know…
Al Qaeda was originally founded as a gentlemens' club for Believers of the highest merit. To get in, one must have blown up two of every animal, and must have killed a minimum, a minimum, of 250 people, suicidally or otherwise.

Originally, Al Qaeda members could only receive virgins on the most holy plane by killing infidels during a suicide missions. Recently, the structure has added many new different ways of getting virgins. Hooray!

=Virgins =number of infidels killed =Iraqi Policemen killed =American Soldiers killed S=Shiites killed Original Formula

New Formula, based on the theory that killing soldiers and policemen of any religious background is extra good and that killing rival shiites is only sort of good:

  • When only a portion of a virgin is attained, eg. , on the eternal planes the Holy One will have a choice between a disembodied vagina or some titties.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles[edit]

Al-Qaeda exerts its influence to teach many women in the ways of the Ninja. It pushes that the Bible states 'All women should be protected from the lustful eyes of men. If they are taught to be ninjas, they will not need pepper spray, but may skillfully incapacitate any male assailants using a blend of mystery of martial art power. Matthew 10:13'. Al-Qaeda draw from this a duty to train as many ninja women as possible, so that they may protect themselves and their sisters from rapists, Brian Peppers, Zambonis, John Madden and Oscar Wilde.

See also[edit]