Al qaeda number three

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Known as "Al-Qaeda's #3 Man" in highly expert nomenclature which is incomprehensible to anyone save those in the field of 'Pataphysics.

A mythical creature, such as the unicorn or bunyip. In official U.S. parlance, usually mentioned by the government or state-run television "journalists", the capture or killing of this creature is usually seen as a milestone and turning point in the War on Terror (see Iraqi elections). The "Al-Qaeda's #3 Man" position, much like the hapless drummer position in seminal rock band Spinal Tap, is a thankless position with an extremely high turnover rate. Al-Qaeda's current #1 Man is, of course, Osama bin Laden, while Al-Quaeda's current #2 Man is Ayman al-Zawahiri (Who has reportedly been killed, or atleast severely seasoned, in a freak falafel accident). The reason for singling out Al-Quaeda's #3 Man is that the position sounds as though it carries a very high ranking while appearing to be just low enough so that the general public will not ask any questions about the person's actual identity prior to the announcement of his or her "demise". In countries with a functional investigative journalism apparatus (sometimes known as democracies), the idea of a repeatedly captured/killed "Al-Qaeda's #3 Man" would be ludicrous. However, in plutocracies such as the former United States of America, such a goal is easily achieved, especially during Superbowl or some other merkin secular holiday.


List of Former Al Qaeda's #3 Men[edit]

With the exception of one operative, the Al Quaeda #3 men are/were all biological males.

  • Senyan al-Harthi Sometime during the Gay '90s or the Roaring '20s. Only signed up as a gag during a drunken binge. When he woke up the next day, not only was he Al-Qaeda's #3, but he also had an unsightly tattoo of the words "Smile now, cry later" on his left buttock. This is a definite no-no in Islamist circles. Currently resides in Austria-Hungary with live-in nanny

Characteristics[edit]

Al-Qaeda #3 Al-Qaeda #3, 6th-Level Ranger
Large Giant Large Giant
Hit Dice: 6d8+36 (63 hp) 6d8+6d8+72 (130 hp)
Initiative: +2 +1
Speed: 30 ft. (6 squares) 30 ft. (6 squares)
Armor Class: 16 (–1 size, +2 Dex, +5 natural), touch 11, flat-footed 14 21 (–1 size, +1 Dex, +6 natural, +5 +1 chain shirt), touch 10, flat-footed 20
Base Attack/Grapple: +4/+14 +10/+21
Attack: Claw +9 melee (1d6+6) Claw +16 melee (1d6+7) or +1 battleaxe +17 melee (2d6+8/×3) or javelin +10 ranged (1d8+7)
Full Attack: 2 claws +9 melee (1d6+6) and bite +4 melee (1d6+3) 2 claws +16 melee (1d6+7) and bite +11 melee (1d6+3); or +1 battleaxe +17/+12 melee (2d6+8/×3) and claw +12 melee (1d6+3) and bite +12 (1d6+3); or javelin +10 ranged (1d8+7)
Space/Reach: 10 ft./10 ft. 10 ft./10 ft.
Special Attacks: Rend 2d6+9 Rend 2d6+10, spells
Special Qualities: Darkvision 90 ft., low-light vision, regeneration 5, scent Darkvision 90 ft., favored enemy elves (+4), favored enemy humans (+2), low-light vision, regeneration 5, scent, wild empathy
Saves: Fort +11, Ref +4, Will +3 Fort +16, Ref +8, Will +8
Abilities: Str 23, Dex 14, Con 23, Int 6, Wis 9, Cha 6 Str 25, Dex 12, Con 22, Int 10, Wis 15, Cha 10
Skills: Listen +5, Spot +6 Knowledge (nature) +6, Knowledge (dungeoneering) +6, Listen +13, Move Silently +9, Search +6, Spot +13, Survival +11 (+13 above- or underground and following tracks)
Feats: Alertness, Iron Will, Track Alertness, Cleave, Endurance, Improved Natural Armor, Improved Two-Weapon Fighting, Iron Will, Power Attack, Track, Two-Weapon Fighting
Environment: Cold mountains (Scrag: Cold aquatic) Cold mountains
Organization: Solitary or gang (2–4) Solitary
Challenge Rating: 5 11
Treasure: Standard Standard
Alignment: Usually chaotic evil Usually chaotic evil
Advancement: By character class -
Level Adjustment: +5 +5

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Internet al-Qaeda Bullshit Generator: [1]