UnBooks:UnRoadMap/Alabama
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Welcome to Alabama, the little state with a big heart! Now, let's get you from point A to point B. Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be
“Alabama has proof of being stupid. Helen Keller was from there.”
~ Most of the people of Georgia on Alabama
“You got a purty mouth.”
~ unknown person from Alabama to someone from out-of-state
“Is that a tin roof on the mayor's building?”
~ People passing through Alabama
“You can make fun of it, but we have to live fucking next to it.”
~ Georgia on Alabama
Uncyclopedia wants you to be able to enjoy your travels to the best of your driving abilities (excluding the addition of back-seat driving). Whether your sober, drunk, underage or don't even have a car, we're here to help you get to where you want to be or are forced to go!
- For your convenience, we do not include the location of garage sales, the fastest routes, your friend's house, nor do we utilize a standard mapping protocol, so stop sending us complaints, we just throw that kind of mail in the fireplace.
Contents |
[edit] A L'il Background on That Lil Ole Subject!
“Now, before we start, who can tell me why Alabama's famous? Yes, that's right, Billy, it's famous for racism! And? Yes, little Shirley, it is notoriously known for poor black squatters and perverted drunks! Anyone else? Yes! It is the only state that still refers to black people as Negroes and sometimes Slave Ni***s! No no, Jonathan, they do not worship wicked idols of the Dark Voodo Temptress Queen Karl Rove. Oh, what the hell, I'm so damn hung over, I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be teaching you! I'm still a little hammered from last night!”
~ Any 4th grade teacher from Missouri on Alabama
[edit] Select Your Starting Location
Where are you starting today?
If your starting location is not here, then you can kiss my shiny metal Bama butt.
[edit] 001
Welcome to Autowaga County, home of the Alabama Trailer Park, the world's largest trailer park!
[edit] Major Highways
- Interstate 65 - We're special!
- Go Cart Road - No Go Cart? Expect a fine by the Go Kart police
- CR 68-West - ...Bama
- CR 59-West - Starbucks here
- CR 61 - Welcum tah Bama
- No Name Lane - Home of the navigated whip
- Delta Springs Road - Where springy roads are fun :D
- lley Road - he erfect it top n labama!
- Fairview Avenue - Not in our county, but you didn't hear that from us.
- Governmental Highway Enforcement 31 - Right 'long side ye ole' 65!
- Governmental Highway Enforcement 31 - Takes you north, south, east ND west - all day long!
- Trailer Lane the 14th - Goes right through us like a Hardees burger!
- Trailer Lane the wonfourthythreed - Time to start reading a book.
[edit] Minor Highways
- All but the above ^
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[edit] Major Cities
- Autowagaville - Take Trailer Lane the 14th to gain easy access to this city. Need something? This town contains the following establishments:
- Jane's Cash - Take my cash for free!
- T Mart - Better than K Mart, home to 'customer service'.
- A school - *gasp*
- John Billingsley - Homeworld of the Denobulans! Simply take CR-37 to enter this town, though expect heavy tractor traffic leaving the area. This town contains the following establishments:
- Nothing - Not even a McDonalds...
- Millbrook - We actually have stuff! Just take the I-65 and you're in the town of riches and cream!
- Super 7 Motel - Sure we are a large hotel, but where's the beef? (Definitely not in the continental breakfast...)
- Galactica Bank - Drop your money off at one of our rag-tag banks.
- Bratville - Are we there yet?
[edit] 003
Bald county: the land down under that is not Australia. Also known as the home of Hurricane Frederic!
[edit] Major Highways
- Interstate 10 - Goes right through us like a hot knife through butter
- Interstate 65 - Nobody uses it, so who cares.
- US Route 31-AB3C - Like a bisexual.
- US Route 90 - The Interstate 10 is always jammed pack, so we provided this more inconvenient route for you to use!
- US Route 9A - The US Route 90 A & B is always jammed pack, so we provided this even more inconvenient route for you to use!
- US Route 9B - The US Route 90 is always jammed pack, so we provided this even more inconvenient route for you to use!
- AK-47 - Everybody seems to use interstates and highways now-a-days, so start using this.
[edit] Minor Highways
 These highways appear to contain a few potholes, and by few, we mean 'Meelions'.Contact your local politician if they care.
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[edit] Major Cities
- Bay Minette - Bay Minette...not beside...bay? Oh my medication... (AKA Take Route 3 and you're in the middle of nowhere.)
- Along Route 3 -
- Bay Minette Nights Inn - Come for the day, leave at night!
- Wal Mart - Even out here in the middle of nowhere!
- Mickey D's Classical Food Emporium and Estates
- Hut's Pizza Hat
- Ten Dollah General Store - TEN DOLLAH! ONLY TEN DOLLAH!
- Along US Route 31-AB3C.47 Subsection 55-Alpha
- Slut Motel - Doesn't need explanation.
- USS Pharmacy - NCC-36507
- Younorth Bank
- Ultra Mega Supreme Super Chinese China Buffet X-Treme!
- Free Gas
- Grass
- Trees
- mo Grass
- even more Grass
- Water
- Along Route 3 -
[edit] 005
Barbed County: Established in 1832...and that's it. Home of George C. Wallace...oops, maybe not PC.
[edit] Major Highways
- US Route Eighter-Two - Right through the north to the New Mexico (now who would make that...)
- US Route 4-81 - It's so small and insignificant, it's made of manure!
- AK-10 - Who?
- AK-30 - What?!
- AK-51 - When?!
- AK-73 - Why?
- AK-92 - How?!
[edit] Minor Highways
- Turn a left off of the AK-10, follow the road for 10 minutes, then turn a right, left, straight for 5 minutes, reach a wall and stop. Climb the wall and you'll arrive at Abbey Road.
[edit] Major Cities
- Bakerhill - Google Earth states that it's in Eufaula, so welcome to no man's land!
- Blue Springs - Take the AK-10 and you're in the land of water (Water not guaranteed)
- The Government's Bank - Our way, your's is irrelevant
- Cilo High School - Start your schooling in your teens!
[edit] 007
Bib County: Although named for some native water body, the name was baught out by the local baby population and renamed 'Bib'.
[edit] Major Highways
- US Route Eighter-Two - Come see our farmlands (Farmer strikes may cause congestion)
- AK-5 - AKA The Diaper Dump
- AK-25 - Don't take it. Teh Master Sword lies apon.
- AK-58 - Eh...don't take this one either
- AK-219 - After AK-5 became the diaper dump, it was pretty obvious that a new road was needed. Complaining about the lack of a new road, the babies of the town dumped their diapers on the new road.
[edit] Minor Highways
- None
[edit] Major Cities
- Brent - Named for the town's 47th mayor: Brentingstonzery Von Son Bren Garrinsonbrent
- Along AK-25
- 25th United Security Bank - The 25th best interest rates in all of Alabama!
- Wiggle my Doodle (That's a statement she verily mentioned last night. Genuinely.)
- Along AK-25
[edit] 009
Blunt County: Take exit 420 and you're in Blunt County!
[edit] Major Highways
- Interstate 65 - In our pants!
- US-of-A Highway 31 - Links right up with the I-65
- Expect major delays due to the county's high use of Ford Pintos.
- US-of-A Highway 231 - It's beside the 31, but then again it's not. It's near the 31, but it's on the other side of the county. Shut up and start driving.
- AK-75 -
- AK-79 -
- AK-132 - Abundance of red links
- AK-160 - ...I'm supposed to write something here?
[edit] Minor Highways
- Google Earth tells me nothing. Screw this, I'm using MapQuest.
[edit] Major Cities
- It's All Good - In the Neighbourhood!
- It's All Good along the AK-75
- It's All Good School - Where everyday is funday!
- It's All Good along the AK-75
- Alt.oona - Insert ad space here
- Along the AK-132
- Exchange Bank of Alabama - For a limited time only, exchange your $10 bills for our $5 bills.
- Along the AK-132
- Bluntsville - The city where everybody, except your neighhour, knows your name.
- Along the 592th Main street of Alabama
- Subway - Jared went here! (I think)
- Super 10 - Sued by the Super 7 Ontario lottery, now named 'That's Super 10!
- The Community Bank - Take your friend's money!
- Along the 592th Main street of Alabama
[edit] 011
Buttock County: Just right up your backyard!
[edit] Major Highways
- No Interstates - We're that special
- US-of-A Highway 29 - Intersects with...
- US-of-A Highway 82sies - ...this, which intersects with...
- AK-51 - ...this!
- AK-47 ...abandoned after Vietnam..... u know what
[edit] Minor Highways
- There's probably some around the farms
[edit] Major Cities
- Midway - You're half way there
- Keep driving along the 82, we ain't gots nothing.
- Union Springs - Unlike our brethren above, we are commercialization central!
- Along the 197
- Nearby on those back roads
- Subway - Jared ate here too
- The Ever Eternal Establishment of Ronald - #125
- Amerilast Bank
[edit] 011.5
Butt County: Buttock County has nothing against us
[edit] Major Highways
- Interstate 65 - Eat that Buttock, pure pavement central!
- US-of-A Highway 31 - The I-65's neighbour, because we love to waste pavement
- AK-10 - Though this one is made of jerk off juice
[edit] Minor Highways
- Find them yourselves
[edit] Major Cities
- Georgia, Alabama, United States, Earth, Sector 001, Alpha Quadrant - I hate maps
- Along the 1O6
- Poor Boy's Cafe - Gruel central!
- Country Classics - Not a fan of gruel? Try out homemade potted meat byproducts, just like grandma used to buy.
- Along the 1O6
[edit] 015
Callwho? County: Long-distance charges may apply.
[edit] Major Highways
- Interstate 20 - Why bother?
- A heck of a lot of US-of-A Highways
- More AKs than an NRA convention
[edit] Minor Highways
Highway 204, to Jacksonville, Alabama. Nearby is Crystal Springs, where you had better not bring no muthafuckin watermelon.
[edit] Major Cities
- Alexandria - Alexandria sure knows where to place a town...
- Along the 43I
- Discount Food Market - Hot Dogs for $0.10, and they're only 5 weeks old!
- Subway - Jared also ate here, on some marathon.
- Sonic Drive-Thru NUMBER ONE!!!!!!! - Yes, the first
yellowSonic Drive-Thru in all ofthis countyAlabamathe United Statesthe world! - Home of the Valley Cubs- A school where sports players are worshipped and Pre-Cal is for "the smart kids".
- Jacks- where a guy named Rayray will give you some fucking good chicken and maybe his friends wont steal your hubcaps.
- Along the 43I
[edit] 017
Hambers County: Home of the home-burger, can we take your order?
[edit] Major Highways
- Interstate 85 - Goes through the only place that has real civilization
- US-of-A HighwA 29 - AKA Redundant Interstate 85
- US-of-A HighwA 280 - We paid $50 million for this?!
- US-of-A HighwA 431 - We're so good that we broke the route up to make it even more inconvenient for you!
- AK-50 - Nobody uses this
- AK-77 - Same here, we're so lonely...
[edit] Minor Highways
- Ask your local farmer
[edit] Major Cities
- Cussetcetera - %@*&%^(*@$^*@$(!$%^@%$&@~!!!!!11!!one
- We have nothing?! WHAT THE %@*%@&(*$!@&^@&%^@?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU SON OF A %@%^@&*$@%^@%^@%$^@!!!
- Five Points - Choose from one of our five points: calmness, serenity, hope, clarity, or absolute dread!
