Alasdair MacGregor

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Alasdair MacGregor was born in 1934, the son of a Italian dictator, probably called Moussolini. He rose to fame in the early sixties when he became the oldest ever milkyboy kid, aged 28. From there on he was to govern Lancashire, own a stall at a farmers market, experience a on-going legal battle with Lesley Kirby and eventually end up in kent, where he lives today.

The early years[edit]

Born the son of some Italian dictators, he realised he didnt like the life of mafia and pasta and rejected his lucrative lifestyle. He set sail in a raft with some muslims, and headed to England, land of the scone. Along the way he wrote the song 'who likes black blokes, i like black blokes', which would later become a number one in the danish charts.

He arrived at Victoria train station in the early hours of a thursday. Many claim it to be fate, that on that thursday morning they were running the Milkyboy auditions on platform 3. He stepped up, and they signed him. His charm and granny-appeal was exactly what they were looking for and he was seen as the perfect man to take Milkybar to a new audience. The director at the time said, 'we had been a'looking to bring the Milkybar into the new century, gloss it up and so, and wanted to dis-associate ourselves with the younger kids we have been associated with. Ali is the perfect man to appeal to the office types, the gays, and the ethnics'.

It shot him straight to Hollywood fame, but unfortunately, his acting career was cut-short when he opened a door inwards and banged it on his head, brandishing him completely disfigured for life.

The Lancashire days[edit]

Nobody really knows how he got this honour, and nobody knows where Lancashire is. It is believed he ruled for only a short period, as his laws where somewhat ridiculous. He abolished most normal law, and instated the 'peado act of '87'. The details of this are as follows-

Any primary school teachers, owners of sweet shops or professional dog-walkers were all deemed peadophiles.

It led to uproar, as the children were left in schools alone. It was a downward spiral, as the school failed its ofsted report (despite improving on the year before) and was put on special measures, and as a result of this, nothing much happened. He then wrote a cookery book, Asparagus, food or lion?, which beat Anthony Worrall Thompsons book of the same name in the charts. Once again, he had a run in with a inward opening door and retired from the post, looking for a new future.

Farmers market days[edit]

These were the days when he first dreamt of being a farmer. Selling cheese and bark stolen in Stepney, he was able to pass it off a 'country faire' and make a quick million. It was here too, that he had his first run-in with Lesley Kirby, his nemisis and foe.


Alasdairs greatest ever run-in with Kirby was the time she was working in Pimlico, a ugly school in Pimlico, London. The Bromcoms had just arrived and Kirbys eyes swelled up with tears of joy. It was the happiest moment of her life, and she spontaneously performed a one-off backflip. Alasdair was on his annual visit to the 'school' and happened to see them. He was with his accomplice Max Kepa, and together they found a bromcom on Miss Iles's desk. Using his hacking skills he had learnt from his days on the raft with the muslims, he managed to hack into the Bromcom using the sheet of codes super-glued to the inside of the Bromcom. No sooner had Kepa changed attendance reports, that Kirby had sensed something was wrong, and proceeded to check up on the Bromcoms from the mainframe super computer. The files were incorrect, and the system had failed. It also failed anyway, because it wasnt very good, but Kirby used nemisis Alasdair as a scapegoat, and ran him over in her pussy wagon.

The comeback[edit]

Alasdair spent months in hospital. His fractured hamstring he gained from the attack healed within days, but a truck carrying herbs had crashed and the road had been sparsely dusted in sage and tarragon. The area was evacuated and a state of emergency was declared, and it took men in white suits over 3 months to sterilise the pavement. Over 6 sneezes were reported.

When he got out, he decicded to leave his jet-set, whirlwind lifestyle behind and set up a family in Kent. He married his wife, Nayda DeVilliers, and had 4 children, Peter, Helen, Anna and Sven. He grew large marrows to win competitions, and inspired by the unfortunate circumstances of his son Sven, set up the KCFMGP, the Kent Centre For Mentally Ginger People.

He took charge of the local football team, The Shadoxhurst Panthers, and has won two league titles. He lives in Kent today, making some money on the side selling bits of metal and concrete to flabberghasted country kids, branding it 'city faire'.