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Alchemists have always been strange beings. Collecting vast amounts of seemingly irrelevant information, they are convinced that they will somehow gain the knowledge that will allow them to take over the world. They also hold onto the illusion that lead can be turned into gold, even though nobody has managed it yet. To solve this problem, Alchemists everywhere have agreed that the only way to turn lead into gold is through magic. They came to the conclusion that magic can be explained with a very complex equation. And if magic is real through science then it is possible to turn lead into gold. However this proved too hard so they decided to try and change lead into an inky substance instead. This was much easier but one third of the Alchemist population was wiped out due to lead poisoning.

The remaining Alchemists decided to go back to the lead-gold problem, which was impossibly impossible but had a much lower death rate.

About The Alchemists[edit]

The Alchemists, also known as scientists, heretics or hobbits, are not a strange religious cult, but a movement who preach their views on the Universe and everything. Solid Gold Comedy. One of the first Alchemists was George W Bush and, soon after, John Howard. They are said to like Croatia, which sucks. However, due to a sincere stupidity and a lack of humanitarian will, they were soon booted off the Alchemy stage. A more well-known Alchemist was known as Gillian McKeith. However, it is a fairly unknown fact, that the two head Alchemists call themselves Hypatia and Arthulia. Hypatia has been widely acclaimed as a genius, with an impeccable command of the english language, and has also been noted to change all information containing her side kick, Arthulia. Alchemist Arthulia is Hypatia's 'equal' although it is widely known that Hypatia is better, and Arthulia is the less talented or funny of the two. Of course, it is widely accepted that Arthulia really is the better of the two, and Hypatia just likes to brag.


Alchemist Aarthulia has recently been placed in an insane asylum for telling everyone she had found the secret of turning lead into gold. Of course,anyone with any sense will know that this had to be the ramblings of an insane alchemist, because it is widely known that all alchemists tend to be lazy, dumbass losers, who spend all their time on futile money-making scemes instead of working. Alchemist Hypatia, who first discovered Arthulia's illness,has now appointed a fairly unknown alchemist known only as "Master K." as her second in command, but still rules solely over the wider alchemist community. In other news, Alchemists Hypatia has recently renovated the Alchemist HQ, adding on several campus' which she has recently bought. It is still unknown where or how she came upon the money to pay for all this, although it is rumored that she earned it performing selfless acts of random kindness, or more likely, stole it.

It is also rumoured that Alchemist Hypatia is an idiot who likes swiss cheese. She often watches marathons of Fox News and Spongebob Squarepants. An avid Avatar fan, she is a proud supporter of Azulaang, which is the canon pairing of Azula and Aang. Due to her radical and insane ideas, her mental ability has been hereby believed to be in an increasing state of decline. Unfortunately, because Arthulia is not a supporter of brain transplants nor any kind of performing magical surgery on the idiotic, Hypatia really has no hope. These are all facts provided by the Health Administration and contain no bias opinions from Arthulia's memoirs.

In The Beginning...[edit]

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move..."

This was a bad move, and Alchemist's around the world have argued that they should really take over the world and take control before anyone hurts themselves... because running an entire globe may have been a little difficult, especially if it is run by the weak minded humans that inhabit it.

What should should have happened:

  • Establish a permanent spot on top of the political ladder.
  • Make sure everyone is good. You must be good. Or we'll kick you off the globe.
  • Succesfully learn the god-damn secret of turning lead into gold. It has never been discovered... it probably never will...

On this page, you will learn everything about random things that WILL NOT help you in future life, but are always interesting to know. Please read, or else our Alchemy will come and eat your feet in the night....

What Do Alchemists Do?[edit]

  • Preach.
  • complain.

  • And to a lesser extent... sell things.

What To Do When You Meet An Alchemist[edit]

Do NOT, under any circumstances:

  • Tell an Alchemist you are an Athiest. This will only make them try and recruit you into their religious cult club.
  • Tell them your phone number. This will only prompt them to write it on a public toilet door, which will, in turn, prompt Cingular telemarketers to call you. Yes, they do make phone calls in public toilets. From India your nearest Cingular store.
  • Tell them Yo Mama jokes. Especially the "Yo Mama so fat" ones. Apparently, they're really huffy about those ones...

Alchemist Fun Facts[edit]

  • The Alchemist's Motto is: "Magister mundi sum!" which basically translates to "I am Master of the Universe!"
  • Another Alchemist motto is: "Ascendo tuum!", which, to this day, has mystified scholars, latin professors of all the major universities, and even the mighty Babel Fish. Only the top "in-group" Alchemists will know what this means.
  • The best known Alchemist motto is "Zhi shi wo de subao" which, roughly translated means "we hate you"
  • Hitler tried to join The Alchemists (which, in Germany, were known as "Die Alchemisten"), but was rejected on account of that his moustache was distasteful at the time.
  • George Bush was once a member of The Alchemists. Soon after, John Howard joined when George "Dublya" Bush dangled a free Live Earth concert ticket in his face. However, due to their "unfavourable" policies, they were later "de-hired".
  • The top Alchemist is known as Number 1. AKA Hypatia
  • The next top Alchemist is known as Number 2. AKA Arthulia
  • God had once tried to destroy The Alchemists, due to their heretic and blasphemous ways, so he sent to the Earth (or, more specifically, to The Alchemist cult compounds club house, a virus that infects non-believers, however, due to a terrible miscalculation in the fraction:

on God's part, which should have read:

...The Alchemists managed to escape.

Alchemist Recruitment[edit]

If you are interested in joining The Alchemists, please fill out the following recruitment form, and send it to:
[email protected]

Alchemist Name: [Please invent your own Alchemist name]
How long have you been practicing Alchemy?

Any queries, contact The Alchemist Secretary on:

or email The Alchemists at: [email protected]