Alcohol

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Despite numerous national campaigns and petitions, Finland does not redirect here. Probably should, though.
What a typical person that consumes a lot of alcohol looks like at age 35.
“Smells like clean spirits ”
~ Nirvana on Alcohol
“I do believe that age brings some unforeseen changes in one's behavior. For instance, I've been drinking a lot less lately, but with much more frequency.”
~ Mel Gibson in between rants
“The cause of and solution to all life's problems”
~ Homer Simpson on Alcohol
“No I'm doesn't ”
~ Philip J Fry on how alcohol doesn't reduce your intelligence
“I have made an important discovery…that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on alcohol
“In Soviet Russia, Alcohol drinks YOU! ”
~ Russian Reversal on Alcohol
“If you admit that you're an alcoholic, then you're an alcoholic. If you DON'T admit that you're an alcoholic, then you're In Denial, which means you're an even worse alcoholic.”
~ AA on Alcohol

Alcohol, more properly known as ethanol, is a common chemical substance with the molecular formula AlCoH3,000O2LiC3. It has one isomer: C2H5OH. Dubbed 'Holy Water' by teenagers, it is one of the seven essential organic compounds known to be essential for life, ranked third after chocolate and red meat and before potato chips and crack. Through careful experimentation, it has been estimated that without a weekly ingestion of at least 12.0 oz.(350ml) of at least 95% pure alcohol (the rough equivalent of 20 drinks), one will die from causes including (but not limited to):

  • No longer having a good reason for being such a screw up in life
  • Being punched in the face by others who drink
  • Dehydration
  • Tripping on dog shit outside of the local bar and hitting their head on the manager's Hummer
  • Assuring your friends that you're okay, and then managing to slide your car into a tree at 200km/h
  • Managing to chase a person, fall over then ask your cigarette if your brother is lit.
  • Beatings received from aggressive bouncers, before or after vomiting on their feet.

Recently, Hippies have been putting Ethanol in their cars instead of Gasoline because they hate America.

History[edit]

Many students of today spend a lot of time studying the effects of alcohol.

Alcohol wasn't invented, but like all important inventions, was discovered. Some say Eve discovered it on a website while surfing the web the day after creation and tempted Adam into drinking it until he blacked out so she could get him to stop being so prude and get laid already. Others say it was borne of necessity during the Era that lead to the downfall of mankind...aka the 1980's. Nowadays, alcohol removed from the stomachs of teenagers using a method refered as a "stomach pump" is an early indicator of a quitter.

Other popular beliefs are that alcohol was originally discovered by ancient Irish Druids. Irish Druids have been rumored for their endless wisdom and magical powers. Archaelogical findings have shown, however, that druids may have actually discovered how to extract alcohol from the common Irish vegetable, the potato. The use of alcoholic potions in their infamous rituals became widespread. It helped peasants to believe that they were contacting the spirit World, when under the influence of this "magical" potion. However these beliefs are now known to be related to such side-effects as double-vision and distorted hearing which were brought on by the alcoholic potions. In the 1800s, following a shocking discovery of the druids secret brewery in Newgrange, the peasants began an uprising and overpowered the druids. Using their once secretive techniques, there was a mass production of the alcoholic potion which lead to the near extinction of the Irish potato crop, these troubled times were known as The Famine. The potion is known today as Poitín (pronounced putch-een). Alcohol is also considered a potential killer, and has caused many fatalities among poles.

Please see the original article on this subject at alky-hol

Alcohol is now made scientifically through the process of raping yeast.

Alcohol is extremely addictive to Indians, much like Marijuana is for rich adolescent white boys with too much time on their hands.

Alcohol has recently been dubbed "The most important substance ever ...hic!".

Potential Uses[edit]

Extensive research has shown that the likeliness of consuming alcohol increases by an astounding 300% if you live in the states of Maine, Ireland,New Hampshire, or Alaska.

Booze is primarily used to make ugly people look prettier (much like US Marine uniforms.) This is why many believe themselves to look attractive in barroom mirrors at 1:30 am and are convinced of being able to pick up any woman by uttering 2 sentences. It works by turning everyone into blonde strippers.

Alcohol has also been scientifically proven to enhance one's driving ability. By diverting the driver's attention away from trivial matters such as lane position, speed, and other vehicles, the driver can devote more attention to searching for a good song on the radio, which is known to be impossible under the influence of sobriety.

Alcohol is also often used to develop new dancing styles, many of which involve random bursts of unexplained gibbering and limb flailing. These dancing styles are usually looked upon by sober people as complete rubbish. Thus, alcohol may also be used to convince others that in actual fact you (the drunkard) can indeed dance.

Alcohol was recently allowed to be sold in football grounds after a government study showed that football fans could definitely be trusted with it and would never use it as a courage builder for taking on the away fans.

Alcohol was ruled out as a potential inspiration tool at the BBC after the Andrew Sach incident. The BBC were worried that someone might have some fun.

Alcohol is also used to have a good time. One classical game is beer pong. If you hate beer, go for body shots--any way you do it, it will be great.

Some of the world's greatest ideas and inventions involved mass quantities of alcohol, and the word "Whachis!" However, people in a sober state usually do not understand or appreciate the idea or invention for quite some time, if ever.

There are people who, thinking themselves as wise, say that you can have fun without alcohol. Controversially, and perhaps a lot more realistically, you also can have alcohol without fun.

The Best Drink[edit]

The search for the perfect alcoholic beverage is the primary purpose of Human existence, humans having been created by Bacchus solely to fulfill this purpose. After centuries of practical experimentation by countless university students, with no clear resolution to the matter, Physicists from around the world convened in the drinking capitol of the world, Pewamo-Westphalia, Michigan, in 1943 to settle things once and for all. After several weeks time, and one particularly amusing episode involving a chimpanzee and some UV-Reactive paint, a mathematical proof was developed. This proof showed, with absolute certainty that the best alcoholic drink in existence is Great Value Vanilla Extract 90 proof.

Some even say that the best drink in the Universe is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. The effects of drinking one is described as being like 'having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick', and is commonly compared to mugging - expensive and bad for the head. Ingredients are shown here [1]

Critics argue that the physicists were drunk at the time, so the proof is likely complete crap. These critics point to an earlier study that claimed that the best drink ever was the "Sperm Whale Smoothie" which effect of drinking is like getting ones brain smashed out by a slice of lemon, wrapped around a large gold brick. Critics of these critics say, no, the best drink ever is the Blue Potion from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, pointing out that it's so good, it doesn't even have to be alcoholic. but nobody cares because those people are wrong. Critics of the critics of the critics argue that the whole idea was that it was supposed to be an alcoholic drink, and then go home. Controversy still remains.

The Science Of Alcohol[edit]

Main article: Boyd's Law

The science of drinking is a science which derives from calculus. Nathaniel Boyd received the 1921 Oscar in Physics "for his services to Theoretical Physics, and especially for his discovery of the law of the Alcoholic effect." This law of Alcoholic Effect has since become known as Boyd's Law, after its discoverer.

Boyd developed a mathematical proof to demonstrate the Alcoholic Effect:

P = (\frac{M+A}{C})/100

Where P is the Party Index, A is the Alcohol Index, M the amount of Money available for A, and C is the Cop Index. C never equals zero since it is an average, but it can be very low, and when it is P is greater. The greater the Alcohol Index the greater the Party Index, and when both M and A run out, the whole equation equals zero, thus signaling the end of the party.

Irish scientists making alcohol

Banned Alchohol[edit]

As of 11th June 2008, the following drinks were banned from being sold in shops and bars/pubs. The ban was put into place by Jimmy Page, Wario, and 'some guy from Hackney'.

  • The Flaming Jewish Chimney - Causes stupidity.
  • Beard Jumper - Often makes Paris Hilton seem attractive.
  • Spider Man - Way too 'Cool' and 'Off the wall' to be legal.
  • Juventus Scally - Was legal until Ozzy Osbourne used it to throw over Snoop Dogg, still legal in Italy.
  • The Shameless Wisher - An alcholic drink created by Coca-Cola that contained LSD and sparked the Gulf War. Similar to Boomshine.
  • Koaru Indian - As seen in GTA IV. Banned as it was made from the blood of Indians.
  • The WestCoast Leech - Caused white people to dance properly.
  • Dubh's Elixer - Caused Texan people to speak, think, act, vote and do everything else properly
  • Sweeper - Made you want to go to work.
  • Any Cider Over £4
  • Fat Fairy - Also caused stupidity; and fatness.
  • Any Vodka made in Ireland
  • Ruhjutatoor - A Brazilian drink that caused memory loss. Popular with Ugly People.
  • Sleepy 7 - The hangover caused by a shot of this requires more rest than God had on the seventh day.
  • Turtle Slime - Legal up until Yertle The Turtle managed to convince all of the turtles of Yertleland that they, were indeed, his servants, due to a mandatory blood alcohol content of .7% or above.

iranian dog swat.

Medicinal Purposes[edit]

Alcohol was developed at a Nazarene wedding ceremony circa 31 a.d. It was first intended as a medication; alcohol berries are a diuretic and were also thought to be an appetite stimulant and a remedy for intolerable marriages and insufferable children, jobs, neighbors, taxes, credit card bills, presidents, countries, in-laws, Jehovahs witnesses, long boring drives, etc. The name alcohol itself is derived from the latin All and the Dutch Cool, which both mean "everyone who drinks it is cool". Other alcohol-flavored medications include vanilla extract, cooking wine, nail polish remover, Rock & Rye Cough Remover, and beer, aka poor mans' antihistamine, which is flavoured with both alcohol berries and various unidentified twigs and branches.

Seer and curer, half man half debauchery, of Glasgow, Scotland, is a famed drunk known for seeing and cureing with the aid of alcohol. The otherwise useless enigma has cured all manner of horific ills with his bare hands whilst under the influence of "a gid bevvy" such as raising the dead, stoping crime before it happens and even telling God to "pull his socks up". Young half man apears to have super powers to the untrained 'sober' eye, but this is not the case. In actual fact, debauchery is a real example of modern evolution, better suited to pubs and gutters in today's fast changing world. If seen, he should not be aproached without proper knowledge of how to buy him a drink. He can be found in glasgows 'nice 'n' sleazy' pub or, to see half man half debauchery at arms length, visit www.myspace.com/halfmanhalfdebauchery but be careful, he'll drink you alive.

Kerrigoes[edit]

Interestingly enough, one of the rarest and most powerful forms of alcohol, known as Kerrigoes, is also one of the least known.

Kerrigoes was first developed by a political theorist and confirmed agnorapist and Surrender Monkeys left-wing patriot (who, oddly enough, had defected to Canadia during the outbreak of the American Civil War, the Confederate one, not the United States one) during an experiment involving a sheep and an unknown Project, simply known as Project XII. The recipe has remained secret and since the family of the inventor K.I. Gore has been broke ever since, few people have ever tasted it. Although several major industrial contractors have approached the family over the years for reasons as varied as assassination to weapons development to children's medicine, the family refuses to sell the recipe.

Some booze in England

The drink itself is more potent than nuclear waste (a favorite Russian drink second only to Vodka and a strange slimy substance called URMOMLAWL) and on the potency scale scores just below Romulan Ale (which sadly contains too much Klingon fecal matter to be appetizing). It was originally flavored with sheep brains, but since then the family has expanded the list of flavors to include burnt wood, Nazi, and forumer, but estimates say that if the forumer-flavored drink were to be mass produced, the world would soon see the rapid decline of one of its most prized commodities, forumers.

Alcoholism[edit]

Alcoholism is, in theory, a condition in which one becomes overly dependent on alcohol due to consistently consuming massive quantities of it. No known case of alcoholism has ever been reported, however, and as such, the theory is dismissed by all but Goths (whom no one likes anyway). Besides which, even if a case of alcoholism did ever arise, it is nothing which a few drinks couldn't easily cure.

However, some people (in an attempt of political correctness) constantly seek to redefine the term 'alcoholic' to include everyone who drinks more than three six-packs a day, which is the FDA-recommended daily amount. Under this paranoid definition, everyone is an alcoholic. Should these people ever succeed, the consequences would be dire. Imagine the nice boy in your neighborhood. Just because he crawls around vomiting and trying to convince people to bark at the moon at 4am, he would be labeled an 'alcoholic.' Or that innocent-looking girl. Just because she lies on the sidewalk with toothpaste all over her, with her skirt hiked up, her inexpertly-tattooed legs spread wide, and fresh semen dripping out of her labia majora, people would call her an 'alcoholic.' I mean, as soon as you could not walk and speak (but nonetheless, as it has been stated, you will still be able to drive a car) some might call you an 'alcoholic.' These people are obviously out of touch with reality and need not to be listened to.

Even God himself will let loose and have a pina colada or two when vacationing in his beloved Rockport, Texas.

Alcoholism may also refer to the belief that alcohol holds the answer to life's questions. Alcoholism is generally regarded as a very legitimate belief system by any scientist who has had a drink or two.

liquor has been known to have subliminal messages; can you find the message?

Philosophy[edit]

In the Simpsonian school of thought, "Alcohol is the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems". Like Shiva bringing death and rebirth, ugliness and beauty, alcohol works its wing on the wangs of humanity.

Jesus was well reknowned for his performances of the Electric Slide whilst intoxicated. Black Jesus, or Barack Obama, often performs the C-Walk upon request at social gatherings.

Dangers of Alcohol[edit]

Bush's blood alcohol content was so high, his hair once caught on fire (i.e. burning Bush)

Alcohol often comes with many warnings about its negative effects. These are some of the most common ones -

  • Warning: May cause sudden attraction to Michael Jackson's music videos
  • Warning: may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
  • Warning: (according to Mel Gibson) may make you say that you hate things that you really don't (But maybe he just didn't read the above warning).
  • Warning: is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  • Warning: may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR FUCKING HEAD IN.
  • Warning: may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  • Warning: may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
  • Warning: may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
  • Warning: may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex.
  • Warning: may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something scary
  • Warning: may cause you to roll over in the morning and fall off your bed.
  • Warning: may cause you to roll over in the morning and fall out of a bed belonging to something really scary.
  • Warning: may cause you to fall over then loose interest in the cute drunk blonde girl to your left, then wander off with your pants around your ankles.
  • Warning: may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANTZ.
  • Warning: may cause you to leave the party with a large man named Franz.
  • Warning: may cause you to announce you want to be dressed up like bigbird and treated badly.
  • Warning: may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
  • Warning: may cause you to compare penis size with all your friends then get your mom to come judge.
  • Warning: may cause you to wake up with a toilet plundger up your ass.
  • Warning: may cause you to urinate on and then afix through freezing, ham to your neighbour's car.
  • Warning: may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
  • Warning: may actually cause pregnancy.
  • Warning: may actually fuck up pregnancy.
  • Warning: may cause you to beer goggle like a motherfucker making even that large burly guy in the corner seem almost pretty enough to....
  • Warning: may cause you to vomit on all your friends and result in jaundice and possible broken kneecaps.
  • Warning: may cause you to think that you feel sick and make you stop drinking. If this happens, remember that you don't really feel sick, you just think you do because you're drunk. but not drunk enough.
  • Warning: may cause appearance of thumbtacks in places they REALLY shouldnt be.
  • Warning: may cause you to proclaim love for that guy sitting to your right, despite the fact you slept with his little sister and make jokes about his mum behind his back. Douchebag
  • Warning: may cause you to confess to that guy sitting to your right the fact you slept with his little sister and made jokes about his mum behind his back
  • Warning: may cause you to think "Dirty Dancing" is a good movie.
  • Warning: may cause you to think "Step up 1 & 2" are good movies.
  • Warning: may cause to repeat loudly that you are, in fact, not drunk, and that there's no way you're such a fucking lightweight
  • Warning: may cause addiction against the will of religion. Churches provide red wine considerably "Jesus' blood" which is

very addictive and want you to come to church again and again to consume wine.

  • Warning: may cause a severe decrease in IQ, legibility, common sense, awareness, politeness, social skills, attractiveness and walking ability.
  • Warning: may cause you to burst into tears and begin declaring others, often strangers to be your best friends
  • Warning: may cause you to observe a toilet bowl for extended periods of time.
  • Warning: may cause you to sleep in embarrassing positions and/or with embarrassing people.
  • Warning: may cause you to believe that you can dance, when you actually can't at all.
  • Warning: may cause you to give crap advise on subjects on which you have absolutely no knowledge.
  • Warning: may cause you to believe crap advice you receive from others on subjects on which they have absolutely no knowledge.
  • Warning: may cause you to develop your own language that only you understand.
  • Warning: may cause you to think that you are the greatest thing since sliced bread.
  • Warning: may cause an inability to operate a vehicle, but an overwhelming desire to give it a go.
  • Warning: may cause words wrong out the come to in order.
  • Warning: may cause you to ask the same questions over and over again. such as, "where did that chair come from?"
  • Warning: may cause your bowels to release.
  • Warning: may cause your bowels to release while vomiting.
  • Warning: may cause you to think that a lampshade is fashionable as a hat.
  • Warning: may cause you to transform into a molecular chain of higgs boson particles
  • Warning: may cause you to divide by zero when you divide by zero when you divide by zero.

Despite these warnings, Alcohol actually has no negative side effects whatsoever. Prehaps maybe a bad head in the morning, but who cares?! Drink up, you party animal!

Good effects of alcohol[edit]

  1. It makes you think you're always right
  2. It makes people more attractive
  3. It makes food you normally wouldn't touch taste amazing
  4. It makes people you normally wouldn't touch taste amazing
  5. It makes you have amazing fighting abilitys
  6. It makes you invincible
  7. Everything suddenly turns awesome, especially fruit.
  8. Makes you appear more charming even if your wearing a lonsdale shellsuit

Teleportation by Alcohol[edit]

It has long been known that alcohol possesses mindbogglingly complex properties that have been shown to break most of the laws of physics that we know today. A few of these properties are listed below:

The beer jacket[edit]

Keeps you warm upon leaving the pub.

The vodka jacket[edit]

Keeps you even warmer than the beerjacket (particularly useful in places such as Moscow, Siberia or Margaret Thatcher's heart)

The beer scooter[edit]

This final property is by far and large the most useful. It has long been theorised that this property is the key to teleportation of distances previously unknown. The theory is as follows:

After imbibing a few steins of the amber nectar, one is under its influence. It is possibly that, after heavy consumption, a person can partially or entirely forget how he or she got home. The lack of memory is directly proportional to the number of units taken into the blood stream.

Of course, it is only popular myth that you actually get home by normal means, when in fact something much more counter-intuitive occurs. One rides the Beer Scooter home. Not ride in the conventional sense, but more through the fabric of time and space. This is obviously a dangerous thing to do (akin to stepping inside of the event horizon of a black hole, or pissing on a male grizzly bear) and so it is not uncommon to end up with scars and scratches a plenty in the morning.

However, physicists have been working on a way to use this to civilizations advantage. If a lever, for instance, can be created that would tap straight into the blood stream of the Travellers, and inject vast, vast quantities of alcohol, that person would be able to travel vast, vast distances in, what would seem, no time at all. And so, teleportation has been cracked.

Other Resources[edit]

See also[edit]