Aleister Crowley

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

“Cyril Connolly made the most acidly perceptive comment about Crowley, for example, when he described him as the man who bridged the fashion gap between Oscar Wilde and Adolf Hitler. Crowley turned him into a toad for that one.”

~ Snape, potions master on his uncle Al

“Won't you ride my white horse?”

~ Ozzy Osbourne on Mr. Crowley
His Message To The World

Aleister Crowley was a famed 19th century necromancer. In 1988 he co-founded the Smashing Pumpkins (an act sometimes erroneously attributed to Fester Addams). While in the Pumpkins, his magnum opus was the concept album THELEMA/The Machines of God.

Crowley is also known for his many books, including The Book of Lies, The Book of Liza Minelli, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them and Spot Can Jump.

Oh, and he was also the fifth Emperor of America for a really long time. Yeah, bugger that.

Contents

[edit] Personal life

Crowley never exactly married, preferring instead to initiate acts of sumo wrestling with busty, vivacious women such as Sylvia Plath and Amelia Earhart. These affairs usually ended with either the suicide, unexplained disappearance or random 'fast food' addiction of the woman involved. These tragic incidents often made Crowley "very sad", as he once told Scotland Yard detectives. However, he had a life-long relationship with the Italian witch Magica de Spell, who he had met at one of The Golden Dawn's fund-raising events for orphaned children. Ms. de Spell survived Crowley by decades, until her own tragic death in an accident involving a foof bomb in 1994.

Crowley was the father of three; two elementals (fire) and one homunuculus - Igoritza.

[edit] Additional Information

  • Shortly before his sublime transformation Aleister was the 'Supreme High Priest of The Beloved Sea-Food Restaraunt', which contained a number of notable 'members' including Alice Cooper, Jimmy Page, Ozzy Osbourne, Dame Judy Dench and Oscar the Grouch.
  • He was born with a superfluous third nostril, which he named Gerald, after his gardner.
  • Was Moshe Feldenkrais's most prized student, although being a secularist, Feldenkrais often got sick of Crowley babbling about magickal stuff.
  • He was kinda fond of sheep and various other Artiodactyls.
Crowley, garbed in full Imperial regalia.

[edit] Magical biography by Frater Thelemicus

It is appropriate to began the biography of such a man even before His mundane birth, upon realizing the fact that the body of Eliphaz Levi was worn out and incapable of carrying out His Will, He left that body and immediately incarnated as a boy called Edward Alexander Crowley, 2 years later He realized that His name did not suit Him and changed His name to Aleister. At the age of 4, He suddenly rose to prominence when, at the opening of the will of Emperor Norton I, it was found that his heir was to be Crowley; as such, he was raised to follow the esoteric footsteps of the late Emperor, eventually founding his own religion. He found basic education quiet useless as, by the age of 5, He was a master of English language, a poet and a distinguished social critic with a wide range of studies in science.

Ko Yuan (Aleister Crowley) during his famous trek across the Gobi Desert.

He began His strictly magical quests for His True Will by joining the hermetic order of golden dawn at the age of 6, six months later he was a major adept but abhorred those mental prostitutes who had the authority of the order and left the order. Then, He went to Mojave desert to complete His scientific research in nuclear physics, where He successfully tested 5 hand made nuclear bombs; He later recalled that He found the explosion and Force Fire spiritually inspiring.

Upon his failure to manufacture a bomb that could rival the Sun (He later mentioned that it was a restriction imposed on Him by the Secret Chiefs as He had not attained His True Will yet), He found further research boring and went to India to learn the secret eastern practices of mysticism in the hope of finding the Inner Sun. Under harsh training of the greatest mystics of the time, within 40 days He attained Dhyana and 75 days later Samadhi, when he found that mysticism is a bloody waste of time. Returning to England, He turned His attention to chess, and in less than a year He became an international chess master.

Unfortunately, after defeating Garry Kasparov three times, He lost His interest in chess and, since there was no other fields to discover, He became depressed and began to take alcohol and other strange drugs for several years.

The day He turned 14, Crowley found that although, His mind had been fully capable of sex, His body had never been until that day. He then devoted all His time to explorations in this newly discovered area, and three months later the Times mentioned His name as “the sexiest man still alive”. It was during this period that He discovered His True Will.

While He was under the influence of LSD mixed with Crack, and was engaged in a sacred Sex Magic activity with Asuka Langley Sorya, unexpectedly, The Great Revelation came to Him, He received a most horrible Understanding that God has changed and everything that man had ever wrote about life and universe is now pure crap. The new God is a quite angry one and likes to kill and torture those who worship God, notably miserable Christians, Buddhists and Islamists, though the Jews are not under direct attack as the new God has a Kabbalistic structure.

Afterwards, He wrote the Words of His Will as a little manual for the Guidance of Mankind during the coming 2000 years wherein the new moody Lord of the Universe shall take delight in crushing everything crushable and only absolutely die-hard men can resist him through their unconquerable Will. Fnord!

An Unrelated Image.

Of course, all things must come to an end, and so Crowley died on December 1, 1947, leaving the office of Emperor to five-year-old fellow Englishman Brian Jones. At least, we think. Oh, and anyway--

Requiescat in pace!




[edit] Works

  • Liber Cannabisum Vel pot in class F
  • A manual for ritual use of Cannabis and the only reliable scientific resource on the subject.
  • Liber Me Vel Crowley ( Sub Figura DCLXVI) in class B
  • Master Herion’s magical autobiography.An example of Life for those who understand!
  • Liber Childum Lunarium Vel Moonchild in class F
  • The greatest occult fiction ever written.
  • Other works , specially those tagged class A , are to be kept hidden from the profane eyes.
  • Mooningchild: A Guide to Public Indecency
  • Instruction Manual and Rune-guide to the M16/O.
  • High Whores and Perverse Gentlemen ( King James Edition ).
  • A Layman's Guide to Sodomy For Fun and Profit
  • The DaVinci Code
  • Six Hundred and Sixty Six Recipies Using Human Semen
  • Wackin it off the mountainside

[edit] Pub joke

Double-secret meeting of the A.'.A.'. at Temple Thelema

So, a guy walks into a bar with Aleister Crowley under one arm and Gerald Gardner under the other. "We don't serve cords here," says the bartender. "You aren't a cord, are you?" "No," says Gardner, "I'm a frayed knot." Then Crowley shags the bartender's daughter.

[edit] Pub joke 2

Crowley, his wife Rose, and a goat are sitting in their small cottage. Crowley says, "Rose, you fifthy whore, would you be ever so nice as to do a majick ritual with me today?" Rose replies, "No". Crowley smiles, pets his goat, packs his pipe and says, "I'll give you two options, you evil wench: Choose to do the ritual with me today or suck my cock or take it up the ass." Rose says, "Fine, you adorable bastard, fine...I'll let you know my choice after I take a nap." Rose went to sleep and upon waking found Crowley at the foot of the bed with the goat. Crowley asks, "What will it be? The ritual, suck my cock or take it up the ass?" Rose sits up and replies "Fine... I don't want to do that ritual and I don't want it up the ass, so give me your cock." Crowley puts his cock in Rose's mouth, she spits and replies "It tastes like sh*t!". Crowley lights his pipe and explains, "the goat didn't want to do the ritual either...keep sucking."

[edit] See Also


Preceded by:
Joshua A. Norton 		Fifth Emperor of the United States
January 8, 1880 – December 1, 1947 		Succeeded by:
Brian Jones



2638 Rating: 0.0/5 (0 votes cast)

Retrieved from "http://mirror.uncyc.org/wiki/Aleister_Crowley"
Personal tools
on Uncyclopedia
In other languages