Alex Jones

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Alex Jones. He is not really a fat bastard. The Illuminati vandalised all his pictures.

“Truley the trutheist truther there is. ”

~ god on Alex Jones

“"Conspiracy theories? Well, how much does it pay?"”

~ Alex Jones

Alex "Jim" Jones is a conspiracy theorist and porn star, best known for pointing out the fact that we might all very well be fucked. He regularly appears in issues of Big Boys With Little Winkies, Husky Hogs, and 'Meat Magazine', a fetish publication aimed at gay men who are attracted solely to pork butchers.

Packing a extra portion of sausage, he became noted by taking great care in creating the documentary No Really They Are Doing Some Weird Shit In The Woods which proved that George Bush was doing some really weird shit in the woods. Satan was also somehow involved with this. That is supposedly a bad thing.

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[edit] What? Who the hell is Alex Jones?

He is the son of Jim Jones, and the only baby to survive Jonestown. As a child some guy pushed him into a vat of Jesus Juice, which permanently wielded a bull horn onto the front of his face. All pictures of Alex Jones which do not contain bull horns dated after this event can be assumed to be fakes.

In addition to the above and his noted pornographic career, he is at-least one (possibly all) of the following:

  • An Illuminati shill working on the minds of the masses using careful gatekeeping of his broadcasts whilst generating the list which FEMA are going to use when they fuck you all up.
  • One of the greatest men ever to set foot on the planet on a par with Buddha or Jesus.
  • A fat cunt who sells videos, gold coins and water purification systems.

Depending on who you are you may think he's all three.

So what is the truth? Who really is Alex Jones? Well, you could spend hours of painstaking research trawling through archives of information, checking sources, corroborating evidence, travelling the world, talking to people and really trying to get to the real truth. Or, you could just read this crap. I suggest the former. But then I would say that now, would I not?

[edit] Politics

Alex Jones advocates the creation of a one-world Neo-Ron-Paulian crypto-quasi-pseudo-government in which all far-right, heterosexual, baptists (who can prove that they have killed at least one Mexican in cold blood) will be afforded the freedom to agree with everything that he says, does or thinks. Alex Jones suggests that the name: "New Global Order of Alexonia" to be used for the name of the new Thousand Year Reich, as he lovingly calls it. Alex Jones also well known as a major figure in the recently formed Church of Gary Busey, frequently taking time to conduct, as well as attend, the masses held in honour of his beloved object of lust and veneration.

His comedy radio show, broadcast from his complex far beneath the surface of Austin, Texas, consists of him making fun of the peon masses, predicting catastrophes and yelling. In between diatribes he hocks shotty survival goods to listeners in exchange for blood pressure medication.

Jones has recently shot to the A-list with his 'man scent' Bullocks, with it's distinctive bottle designed in the shape of an aeroplane designed in the shape of a skyscraper designed in the shape of an owl-god that was actually in the shape of a bull.

[edit] Springboard to Stardom

Alex Jones is a strip artist and specialises in the art of french-brothel dancing. He has won many numerous awards for strip dancing including the stip dancer of the year 2006 and pants off 2007. Some people say that he has even won the world title in 2000, but that is a conspiracy theory. Alex's backrounds is one of very complicated measures. He grewup in north england and unfortunately was sexually abused by his father and sometimes by this mother, aunt and great uncle. This came with his insightful investigative blockbuster "The Conspiracy that killed Bambi's Mother." Alex Jones is not one of those naive schmucks who believes that the hunter worked alone, and he certainly isn't one of the mislead lemmings who believes in the second gunman theory.

Alex states, "All evidence that suggests that Bambi's mother wasn't shot on her approach to the meadow, but in the meadow itself in order to get her into a triangular crossfire is falsified wanna be conspiracy theory bullshit. I bet the guy who thought of that doesn't get laid enough. The truth is Bambi's mother was killed by a B-2 Strategic Nuclear Bomber."

Alex is well known from his work uncovering the Skyway inside job, as well as revealing that crinkle cut potato chips are actually a satanic Chinese invention designed to usher in a 'New World Order' of edible low fat snack foods and thus bring about the end of Christianity as we know it. Alex hopes to "wake up America", and his latest film "Really Loud Noises" has a good chance of doing so.

The government denies this claim. "We have plenty of bombers," a Pentagon spokesperson says, "but we don't have nuclear weapons. We're waiting for Iran to invent them first."

"So we can steal them and bomb the shit outta everybody!" States another spokesperson from the Pentagon.

"Shhhh!! No one's supposed to know that yet!"

Both sides of the debate still go on today about whether the government was involved with and/or had prior knowledge of Bambi's mother's death and Alex Jones' film has remained popular as a result.

[edit] Filmography

  • "Gold Diggers of 1984" (1985 student film)
  • "My Fight Against the Neo-Satanic and Completely Evil Robert E. Lee High School Cafeteria Faculty" (1987 self-made Super-8 porn reel)
  • "The Alex Jones Guide To Parking Lot Self Defense" (1992, sell through Betamax video)
  • "Love in a Time of Cholera goes to Neo-Zion!" (1994)
  • "What Was That Smell?!" (1995)
  • "Psst...Wanna Buy A Water Filter?" (1995)
  • "Psst 2: You want gold coins?" (1996)
  • "Fisting - the Musical" (1996 - Co-producer)
  • "Terrorsperm" (1997)
  • "Neo-Terrorsperm" (1997)
  • "Terrorsperm: Edited for Free by Unpaid Folowers Special Edition"
  • "Fred Phelps - My Kind of Gay Guy" (1999)
Alex Jones is known for his tremendous work in the effort the destroy the USA through puppetry.
  • "Holy Blue Fuck! What Just Happened?!?!" (2001)
  • "My Career is Fucking MADE!" (2001 - video pamphlet for a Conspiracy Theorist trade show)
  • "George W. Bush - Drama Queen!" (2003)
  • "Plagarism: Some Stuff That I Stole From The Birchers" (2004)
  • "Everyone Who Disagrees With Me Is In On It!" (2005)
  • "Proof Schmoof!" (2006)
  • "Plagarism 2: Some More Stuff That I Stole From The Birchers" (2007)
  • "Plagarism 3: I just read Alan Watt's book" (2008)
  • "Alex Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Made of Gold" (2008)
  • "Holy Flying Fuck, There's a Negro In The Whitehouse!" (Produced by Fred Phelps (2009)
  • "9/11: Just How Much Money Did I Make?" (Pre-Production)

[edit] As An "Actor"

  • "Chubby Camp" (1990)
  • "Meat Parade" (1991)
  • "Big Sweaty Pigs Play In The Mud" (1992)
  • "Scream Cracker Scream" (Featuring Fred Phelps and the Harlem Globetrotters) (1993)
  • "Suck My Megaphone" (Directed by Virgilio Anderson) (1999)
  • "Desperate Housewives" (Cameo as 220lb bag of raw meat) (2007)

[edit] See Also

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