Alex Kapranos
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All of this is untrue and rubbish. Alex met Nick when Nick tried to steal Alex's vodka at a party. Alex was friends with Bob before they formed a band. Alex was given a bass and taught Bob to play bass. Bob protested saying that he was an artist not a musician. Alex said it was the same thing. Alex met Paul when they were both in the Yummy Fur and they teamed up to write songs. There is a better Alex Kapranos page on Wikipedia. Look for it. Alex Kapranos (Born with the Cheesey name of Alex Paul Huntley-Kapranos, March 20 1972) is a British Greek musician who is currently the lead guitarist and singer of mysterious, alternate, altercation-starting, comune band Franz Ferdinand.
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[edit] Early Years
Like many strange people from around the world, Kapranos was brought up in the North-East near Sunderland. Being as most people from around there were losers, Kapranos was determined to be the first ever successful person to come from there (Despite the fact that he was born in the famous town of Bonn in Luxembourg). In 1847, when Kapranos was just 5 years old, He earned his first (and possibly best) achievement when he won an award for 'Longest time talking about nonsense when acting like you're knowing exactly what you're saying, but no one really gives a shit.' Kapranos was unavailable for comment after winning the award on the account of him needing an urgent toilet break.
[edit] Life Before Franz Ferdinand
At the age of 8, Sunderland said goodbye to their biggest talent when he moved halfway across the world to Scotland. After he finished school, Kapranos took up many cheesey jobs. First he became a chef, but that all went to pieces when he accidentally put toilet duck in a Chicken Soup he made. His boss wasn't impressed. Next Alex took up driving. Things were going well until Kapranos dropped a piece of lettuce into the car engine, causing it to explode. He took up another horrible job as pitchman for OxyClean, that is, until Billy Mays took over, bringing the stain-fighting brand to ultimate success. Kapranos' comment after the unexpected death of Billy Mays is as followed: "He was a good mentor, taught me how to shout and grow a sexy beard. I loved that man. EVEN THOUGH HE TOOK MY FUCKING JOB--" Kapranos was soon cut off air after his condolences to Mays' family.
Finally, Kapranos became an I.T teacher (despite him having no knowlage of computers). Unfortunatley, Alex got the sack after an argument with one of his students. It was believed the student critisised one of Kapranos' pretty drawings on MS Paint, Causing a large up-roar. After Losing this Job, Kapranos blew all his remaining money on stamps. Leaving him with no home. Kapranos needed to find an occupation. If he did not, they would track him down and take him to the retirement home, where all folk his age were laid to die and play checkers.
[edit] The Start Of Something New
After leaving his home and losing his money, Kapranos knew he had to start thinking of the future. He began stripping at a local pub. No one really paid him, which put him in more debt. While trying to figure out the issue with his shows, he began writing songs. He knew that being in a band was what he was destined to do. Kapranos soon quit his job as a stripper and began searching for victims to be in his band.
[edit] Nick McCarthy
Nick McCarthy and Alex Kapranos met back way back in 1994, when both worked as strippers at the local pub. Of course, back then they were both drunk tramps. Kapranos just got back from stealing a licquor bottle from a homeless man, when he suddenly noticed his secret stash of vodka from under his The Princess Bride VHS Collection had disappeared. He knew that the tramp living the other side of the road was after his vodka all along, this tramp just happened to be McCarthy. Not knowing what he was doing, Kapranos marched over to McCarthy and said "Hey! Did you touch my Princess Bride video collection?!" McCarthy nodded, swaying from side to side. He also randomly shouted out, "NEKKID LADIES JAJAJAJAJAJAJA" then nearly collapsed. Kapranos was infuriated. He was quoted to say, "I loved that film...with all my soul...And that asswipe touched it and took my Weekly Viewing of The Princess Bride Vodka." McCarthy was about to pass out, when Kapranos demanded that he learn the drums. McCarthy muttered that he already knew it, so they arranged to meet up somewhere to have a panini and discuss song writing and '80's romantic-comedies.
[edit] Paul Thomson
In late 1999, Thomson met up with Alex Kapranos and Nick McCarthy to join the temporary two-man-band/strip routine, Chip n' Dale, the Chippendales. At first, Thomson wanted to make a change to guitar, but after noticing that fellow band member Nick McCarthy was absolutley crap at drumming, Paul jumped in to save the day. But Paul said he would only become a the drummer, if he didn't use rack toms, as he wanted the auidience to see his 'self proclaimed 'sexy face'. By 2005, Thomson was using rack toms. Thomson claimed that he was 'asked politley' to use them, but in a later interview, Kapranos said; "He was so god-damn ugly, in the end we forced him to either use the rack toms, or wear a paper bag over his head." When confronted about this quote, Thomson began to cry. Kapranos soon felt guilty and apologized, quoted to say, "You're not that disgustingly atrocious. You're still better looking than Barry Manilow." Thomson did not give in, surprisingly by this flattering comment. Instead he said, "Every bastard is better looking than Barry Manilow."
[edit] Robert Hardy
Throughout the course of 2001, Kapranos began to stalk young artist Rob Hardy. Hardy was confused and scared by Kapranos' behaviour and phoned the police several times. Kapranos was soon put on the national "Creepy Old Men" alert system. He even went as far as putting a one-foot restraining order on him. One day, when Hardy was walking merrily in a dark alleyway, Kapranos jumped out of a garbage can that he was looking for food in, and faced up to Hardy. Kapranos asked Hardy if he was interested in joining his band. Bob politely declined by saying; "Hell no! Get away from me, you stinky tramp, or I'll rip out your spleen". Despite this set-back, Kapranos continued to harass Hardy and eventually, Hardy gave in. Hardy started to learn the Bass and the band Franz Ferdinand was formed. A common hobby of Hardy was Rick Roll'ing Kapranos numerous times a day. Kapranos would almost always never expect it, and would always respond with the generic, "DANGNABBIT, NOT AGAIN." At first, Kapranos was unaware of what Rick Roll'ing was. He then claimed to figure it out after a couple hours of solitary confinement with the quote, "I remember that song. Rick Astley... My great-nephew was born the day it reached top charts in 1934..." Kapranos would get back to Hardy by harassing him with pretzels. The band was getting along perfect with eachother. Soon after, there was a reported account of Kapranos offering a lap dance to Hardy. Hardy, who was extremely disgusted, actually opened Kapranos with a kitchen knife and removed his spleen. Kapranos was soon rushed to "Senior Citizen Hospital For Soon To Die" in critical condition. He soon recovered, wary to only offer lapdances to the other members excluding Hardy. Hardy's nickname for Kapranos is "Magic Girl." Hardy says, "He was so goddamn annoying with his rage stripping, he wanted a petname. He cried until I came up with the name, Magic Girl." When asked how Hardy came to that conclusion, Hardy replied, "Alex loves to harass me about Harry Potter. Harry Potter --> Magic. Alex --> Girl. My logic is solid."
[edit] Franz Ferdinand
After many years of practising, Franz finally made it. Their first single 'Darts Of Pleasure' soared through the charts and made it to an outstanding #44. Kapranos later revealed the song was called this because of the 'Pleasure' he got from using 'Darts'. The success continued to come Franz' way with 0 no.1's in 4 years.
Kapranos claims that his favourite Franz Ferdinand song is 'The Fallen' because his favourite colour is Blue. When asked what the hell he was talking about, Kapranos replied "To be honest I don't know, Sometimes my heart delves deeper than my soul and I out-do myself". Despite these comments, Kapranos is believed to not be suffering from mental problems.
Kapranos still leads the band and claims they are very 'happy' with their current progress. He recently starred in a commercial, portraying the old woman saying, "All senior citizens should have Life Alert." Kapranos claimed: "It was my comeback to television and commercializing...It felt so exhilarating to speak to my fellow old people...GODDAMMIT, BILLY MAYS!"
