Alice in Chains
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 | This article is being considered for deletion in accordance with Uncyclopedia's deletion policy.
This page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption. |
Alice in Chains is a group of heroine addicts known for their philosophy of extreme indifference who discovered that one among them, Layne Staley, looked like Linkin Park’s Chester Bennington whereupon the other addicts ridiculed him. After initial shock wore off, they started producing music that mocked the band. Their parodies under the band name That Dude I Look Like Can Go Suck an Iron Gland would begin the grunge era of rock. After the band quickly tired of ridiculing Linkin Park’s hybrid brand of alternative rock and hip-hop due to disinterest, the band made its significant contribution to society by making heroine addiction not only respectable and marketable but also lucrative.
Contents |
[edit] Introduction
After their interest in mocking Linkin Park declined, the band found it somewhat necessary to find an alternate title but found it too mentally taxing to think up a new one but opportunity presented itself. Alice in Chains was eventually settled upon, derived from an instance in 1989 when former front man Staley, guitarist Jerry Cantrell, drummer Sean Kinney, and former bassist Poor Tony Krause, all dressed in drag for reasons unexplained, were voicing their apathy for their own apathetic philosophy in musical form at a golf course when the golf legend, disc jockey, and occasional musician Alice Cooper confronted them.
Cooper shouted “The hippies wanted peace and love. We wanted Ferraris, blondes and switchblades. These guys don’t want anything.”
“Actually, we want drugs you old fart,” Staley said. P.T. Krause concurred, adding “and I want my stole.”
Cooper then said “All they are doing is ripping off Zen. Plus look at them, oooh, they have on women’s clothes and wear make up, how original! I was these guys—times ten!!!”
[edit] Further Introduction
The band and golfers shared confused looks when Staley, who had just nodded off, jolted to life and said “whatever” before he and his band, in an uncharacteristic show of enthusiasm, seized upon the golfer and used chains they carried to defend their drugs to bind him. They then procured a large cage like box that course officials used to imprison unruly golfers, people who couldn’t chip or give proper high fives, and those who refused to clap their hands together fingers to palm in the manner known as the golf clap.
While in the box, Staley taunted Cooper with “I could set you free,” to give him the false sense of being freed, only to add “But I’d rather hear the sound of your body breaking as I take you down. Yeah.”
It is widely known that this event also provided inspiration for the song “Man in the Box,” the band’s first number one single. It also prompted Lewis Carroll, who witnessed the ordeal, to write his famous Alice series of children’s books which are clear testaments of the trauma and pain of human existence. In addition, the event indirectly propelled the band’s song “I Can’t Remember” coming about after they were asked by fellow Seattle heroine addict Kurt Cobain to describe the incident so he could regale the guests he was entertaining underneath the bridge he was then calling home in addition to his hilarious array of anecdotes dealing with the animals that were trapped there which he called his “pets.”
[edit] Getting a Sign
Shortly after coming together, Columbia Records representative Nick Terzo saw the group outside of a Seattle food court on the rare occasion when the group was motivated enough to perform. Their performance consisted mainly of ridiculing teenagers for buying into corporate values when Cantrell briefly slowed his vigorous head bobbing thus catching a glimpse of Terzo.
Cantrell gathered the attention of the other band members by pointing at Terzo and calling out “look at this douche, is he a tool or what?” His group agreed and proceeded to spoof the representative’s mannerisms and protests of mockery which they considered pompous and snobby until he entered the mall’s food court to meet Columbia’s record producer Dave Jerden to shop for khaki pants and sweaters to tie around their wastes in anticipation for fall.
[edit] Signing With Columbia Record
After sustained laughter at Terzo’s expense, going on until they could no longer recall what was so funny, they once again resumed their onslaught of derisive music, belittling anyone entering the mall who had recently showered. Terzo, who liked the band’s sound despite being knocked down a few pegs, told Jerden about the band, intriguing him enough to brave jeering. Upon exiting the food court, seeing Terzo, now wearing said sweater around waist, the band recollected that the hilarity ensued after Cantrell called the representative “pedantic,” a word that seemed to come out of nowhere, and once again hilarity ensued.
After Columbia’s duo calmed the band down enough to play a short song that denounced corporate society, which Staley called “Angry Chair” having ingested a great deal of LSD that led him to believe drummer Kinney’s stool shared his feeling of dissatisfaction, that moved them enough to pursue signing them to a record deal.
Staley then pooped himself senseless and his stomach asplode like Duff McKagan's liver, after overdosing simultaneously on heroin and cocaine. Alice reunited in 2006 with a Lenny Kravitz impersonator only known as Black Elvis (TM). It was recently revealed Black Elvis' real name is William DuVall.
