Alien Swarm
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Alien Swarm is a first-person shooter mod for the game Natural Selection, which is itself a mod of Alien v. Predator. Although it never became as popular as other mods, it did achieve a somewhat cult-like following, and in 1992 was rumoured to have nearly 2 players.
Contents |
[edit] History
Alien Swarm was a project started by the 14th Dalai Lama in an attempt to end peaceful negotiations with the xenomorphs. It was partly successful, but to this day the xenomorphs still try to get peace.
[edit] Gameplay
[edit] Single player
The single player portion of Alien Swarm consists of pre-scripted gameplay similar to tetris, except it's in first-person view. Nobody plays single player.
[edit] Tutorial
Gods, man! Stay away from this if you don't want cancer.
[edit] Multiplayer
Contrary to popular belief, Alien Swarm was not designed to be a co-op game; the Dalai Lama intended it to be a deathmatch game to train people for mutiny. However, in a rebellious move the players decided to play it co-operatively and battle xenomorphs instead.
[edit] Characters
Everything from redneck computer hackers to French doctors.
[edit] Sarge
Sarge was sent by the IAF as a biological weapon to infect as many xenomorphs as possible with second-hand smoke, in hopes that the xenomorphs didn't have health insurance that covered cancerous tumors in their list of occupational hazards.
[edit] Jaeger
Jaeger drives way too fast because he's used to driving on the Autobahn, which is why there are no vehicles in Alien Swarm.
[edit] Bastille
Bastille's family died of disease, so he dedicated his life to medicine. However, having a French accent AND being a doctor were not enough to pick up women, so he took on amatuer gunsmithing in order to appear more manly.
[edit] Moose Doorsly
A tumor on the Alien Swarm community. No longer welcome at the Corps Annual Bake-off after he baked-off the Gateway Station fusion reactor while inebriated.
[edit] Equipment
Telic adds more fun ways to kill yourself and others!
[edit] Helmet lamp
FluffyBunnyCorp's best selling product, giving 10 seconds of clear bright illumination before the hamster must rest.
[edit] T-75
Big explosive, little package. This is used to blow open doors and some other stuff. (Marines)
[edit] Gas grenades
Useable by medics only (they "make" them) these gas grenades cause all creatures to become instantly intoxicated. However, if used on Gimps it will kill them quickly.
[edit] Welder
This is the most popular item, since it's the best item you can bring. Not only does it weld doors open or closed, but it can also be used as a melee weapon. If you're really good, you can close doors on marines to slay them. (or aliens, but why would you do that?)
[edit] Armour
The Dalai Lama designed the marines to wear clothing from the 1800s, as he believed this was appropriate costume for space marines. Most of the clothing is fairly reminiscient of the clothing used in the TV show Firefly and the correct term for the characters wearing them is Anachronic Transvestite Marine, or ATM.
[edit] David Bowie Armour
This armor was once worn by David Bowie. The Power simply OOZES off of it. ...Off its area.
[edit] Stims
Stims, an acronym for "Short Tactical Injection for Marine Saving", are drugs that you can use on other marines if you get close enough. They cause dullness of the senses and hallucinations. Many people consider stims to be "lame" and not "133t" because they make it so easy to kill someone. Telic has changed Stims, every marine now has 1 and medics have 3. Stims are now part of every mission, if you like it or not.
[edit] Cigar
This item, only usable by Sarge, endows the user with near God-like abilities that include but are not limited to: invulnerability, laser eyes, sexual Tyrannasaurusism, and cancer.
[edit] Ammo Bag
This is was invented by the IAF for the original Suicide Squads that fought the Romans and built the Eiffel Tower after they won the War of 1812. On the outside it looks like a satchel full of extra ammunition, but on the inside it's nothing but a midget covered in dynamite, rigged to blow if someone so much as lights a cigarette or talks too loud.
[edit] Night Vision Goggles
Goggles worn by marines so they can seen the lame campers hiding in the shadows. Most marines forget to turn them on, however, claiming "The goggles, they do nothing!"
[edit] Flashlight
Magically adds auto-aim to everything.
[edit] David Bowie Action Figure
Destroys everyone. Instantly. Even Chuck Norris. Only the David Bowie Armor can save you now!
[edit] Weapons
With the "release" of Telic, new weapons abound!
[edit] Morita Carbine
The Morita or Margarita Carbine fires tiny paper umbrellas, for some reason it does more damage than standard rifles. (The current theory is bizzare paper allergies) It also features a lock-on system that makes the umbrellas NEVER miss and go through every target on the screen. (including you!) Overall a stupid weapon that will kill everyone if you think you have a rifle and try to fire a grenade.
[edit] Tesla Gun
Some people call this a Tesla Gun, but all it really does it emit an attractive blue glow that attempts (and fails) to lure the drones into the mild electric shock field. If one of them happens to wander into it, they sneeze. A whole mission is dedicated to finding this weapon, so someone high up must hate us.
[edit] Magnum
Bastille (Blastille, Frenchy, etc.) has an old magnum he stole from his Dad. Although he claimed his family died from a disease, he actually shot them with this. (While playing with matches!) He hand makes his own ammo because he is a freak. Although more powerful, this weapon lacks the pure penetration of a pistol and can't skewer multiple targets with one shot. If Bastille kills 20 aliens, he acquires another magnum from somewhere.
[edit] Mustard
The Mustard (a.k.a. Condiment Cannon) is a big tube that fires mustard. Manufacturers claim the weapon has Auto-Aim, but it doesn't. Despite having one barrel, the weapon needs to spin up before firing (The 6 barreled autogun doesn't) and can overheat.
[edit] Grenade Launcher
The Grenade Launcher, a.k.a. Teammate popper, somehow gets more grenade types as the user gets better at blowing stuff up. It has no use against drones, but pops marines amazingly well.
[edit] P-Rifle
The P-Rifle, or Page-Rifle as it is more commonly known, was invented by Bob Page under the service of Morgan Everett. It is the weapon most used by Majestic 12.
[edit] Assault Shotgun
Considered far superior to the standard pump-action shotgun since it holds enough buckshot to shoot God out of the air, and comes complete with fire grenades that can be bounced off walls and around corners, making it the ultimate weapon of choice for crowded hallways, daycare centers, or maternity wards.
[edit] Autogun
The Autogun is the best weapon, ever. It works best if you shoot at aliens that are on the other side of fellow marines because it has auto-aim and never misses. The auto-aim functions because each bullet has several rocket engines that adjust the course of the bullet in mid-flight.
[edit] Flamer
Some "Pr0s" (the same kind who claim they don't wet the bed anymore, but really do) think this is the best weapon. However, it really sucks because it just sets the aliens on fire after which they begin to eat you and set you on fire at the same time. In most games people with this weapon are shot on sight.
[edit] Pump shotgun
This weapon is an excellent weapon when paired with a flashlight. (which gives a little bit of auto-aim by magically equipping any bullets that enter the light with rocket engines) When taking a flashlight don't be afraid to shoot really close to marines, you've got complete auto-aim.
[edit] Proximity Mines
This weapon is for setting up a wall of scorching hot napalm that is useful for setting aliens on fire just before they eat you. The most popular use for the mine is to lay several of them down in a crowded hallway or other chokepoint without telling your teammates, causing a gore-filled fireworks display when someone with an ammo bag sets it off.
[edit] TK-Cann0r
Fills the air with hot shot of lead...now in three-hundred sixty degrees!
Sarge: "When this orbital platform's a-rockin', don't come a-dockin'! Nyeee-hawww!"
[edit] Xenomorphs
[edit] Drone
The basic 3*1 with a stub, L shaped, enemy tetris block. Helmets have been shipped out, and the swarm has evolved. The new drones now have spikes, that not only pierce helmets but triple the damage they deal. Thanks a lot, IAF management. They often work it conjuction with Parasites devouring legs and heads at the same time. Avoid.
[edit] Parasite
Parasites are small, fast scorpion-like creatures. If one gets close enough to you, it jumps up and inside your body, making you infected. Infected players see a red flashing screen and lose health at a fast rate. It's common to suicide if you have epilepsy because the red flashing screen can cause seizures. Parasites can only infect the lower half of your body, if a parasite jumps on your head you can survive it relatively unscathed.
[edit] Queen She
One of the objectives for co-op play is to find the queen and kill she.
[edit] Gimps
These large spider like creatures were added with the Telic campaign. They move suprisingly fast for something without a penis and can eat marines faster than other fast eaters. Gas works well on them, even better if it is natural gas.
[edit] Missions
[edit] AO-Johnsmom
Long story short, you must save John's mom. She's all messed up and shit. Spoiler alert! If you're really good you can access the secret alien dance party room.
[edit] Sigma Campaign
The basic campaign, involves going all over the planet Amgis to rescue some cat the manager of Sigma Laundramats left behind last year.
[edit] Ortega Campaign
The hulk of the USS Ortega is found drifting in space. Time for a space hulk rip-off! Go in, get stuff, wait for the mission to go horribly wrong, and then puke because of the spinny camera in the last level.
[edit] Phalanx Campaign
This recent campaign was released by mHZ and involves going in yet another space station. How original. Plus it's got lasers. Hydroelectrics in space - Clean energy or bogus science? You decide!
[edit] Telic Campaign
It seems the Telic "team" discovered that we uncovered the conspiracy and decided to release the campaign. Features(including but not limited to): gimps, distorted planets, helmets(!), an oversized bug-zapper, and a french magnum. There might have been a level in there somewhere too.
[edit] AO-2NiceBoxesOfShit
The marines must adventure down into the sewer system and wade though an actual 3 boxes of shit and their connecting hallways. In the final box of shit, the marines must steal important secret documents fom the waste managment system's computer. After the marines have the documents, they must run back out through all the shit they came in through. It's sugested that you bring night vision goggles, since there are obviously going to be no lights in a sewer system.
