Alien vs Grue
Alien vs Grue is a film that is set to be released in January 2019. It will star Jackie Chan, Christian Bale, Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Vincent Price (posthumously) and Satan. Many people will think that Kermit the Frog should get the role of the Alien Queen in the film, but eventually the part will go to the Lord of Darkness after he tortures the casting director. Further controversy will arise when Jackie Chan will refuse to watch the film after its release due to the fact that his kung fu skills are ineffective against both the Xenomorphs and the Grues, and he therefore dies. He also stated that he "feels sorry for the aliens as they never really stood a chance." The film is a spinoff from the awfully awful 'Alien vs Predator' series of films, which were both a critical and commercial failure. It was therefore the obvious choice for 20th Century Fox to try and make improvements to, even though nobody is interested in it.
Origionally the film was to be called Alien blown' Grue and feature Chuck Norris. This version of the film was cancelled because it contained subliminal messaging that caused children, dogs, cats, and Santa Claus to give each other blowjobs.
Due to the fact that this film is to be released in the future, little is known of the plotline. In order to investigate, both Michael J. Fox and Boris Johnson were dispatched in a dubious time travelling vehicle known only as 'the DeLorean', which coincidentally, looks a lot like a DeLorean DMC-12 sports car. Only Boris Johnson returned, accidentally leaving Fox behind under the alias of 'Martin McCloud'. He is still trying to get back from the future after Boris Johnson lost the keys to the DeLorean, rendering it useless (Johnson returned by way of his own Space-Time paradox-see Boris Johnson. Therefore, the majority of the information in this section comes from the only politician not to lie on purpose but to simply get everything wrong repeatedly (including his own name).
The film is set in the year 2009. Grues run rampage across the face of the earth, and the human race is on the point of extinction because of them. When a spaceship full of aliens called Xenomorphs crash lands on the planet, they begin to fight with the Grues, who happen to be their immortal enemies. Eventually, it is realised that it is in fact Vincent Price who, in automatic Gothic mode, is controlling the Grues while he is dead. Jessica Alba and Christian Bale resurrect him, and the three of them detonate eighteen nuclear bombs simoultaneously to destroy the Xenomorphs and the Grues, therefore saving the human race. This concept is a recurring theme in science fiction movies, which is why the writers decided to stick it in. However, the final scene of the film show a single Grue escaping down a toilet, to live in the sewers of New York City and rebuild the Grue army.
- Jackie Chan as Mr. Miyagi
- Christian Bale as Himself
- Jessica Alba as Herself
- Jessica Biel as Sexy Stripper
- Vincent Price as The Mummy
- Satan as Wedding Guest #1
“What a stupid story. Was I actually in this film? Maybe they cut out my scenes.”
“What the fuck? We wouldn't lose!”
“Get off the set you f**king prick! I want him off the set! You and me are done professionally, f**k sake. ”
Originally, the director Joel Schumacher will be employed to make this film. Following his pathetic failure with the Batman films back in the 1990s, many think, quite correctly, that he is the worst film maker in the universe. However, 20th Century Fox will defend their decision, stating "if Joel Schumacher can turn around the fortunes of one series of films, he should be able to do the same with another. Some will claim that he may simply make the film even worse, but they will be ignored. Luckily, Schumacher will be huffed by a Grue on the first day of filming and killed. An international holiday will be proclaimed, and it will forever unite the world in peace.
“That bastard! He had me using bat shark-repellent and wearing bat-suits with nipples on! I'm so happy he's dead, I might just turn to crime!”
“I was so happy that I did turn to crime- and quite successfully...”
“Michael Schumacher was a great man who contributed greatly to the American dream.”
“Joel Schumacher was a goddamn son of a bitch and I'm glad he's dead.”
“Michael Schumacher's a German? Does that make him a Nazi?”
Future Critical Response
The response to 'Alien vs Grue' is mostly positive, with hearty reviews coming from Jessica Alba, Satan, Batman, Boris Johnson and Samuel L. Jackson. The latter will even go so far as to say "this film's got motherfucking Grues everywhere, on every motherfucking mode of motherfucking transport! I motherfuckingly approve of this motherfucking film!" Boris Johnson will note the large scale action sequences, saying "Oh yes, jolly good. I thoroughly enjoyed it, eh? And then there was that thingamabob and the other thing, eh? And, ummm... Well, errr... Ummm... Oh, bugger a coconut!" These reviews from such high standing members of society will result in the film having large box office success. Another factor that will contribute to it being the highest grossing film of all time is the fact that it was responsible for the death of Joel Schumacher.