Alizée

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Alizee in her typical seducing stance, don't tell me you wouldn't.

Alizée, a nickname commonly used to describe the matriarch of the Perfect woman kingdom, is part of a rare species of human female, described by sources as "the hypothetical end result of if the French hadn't surrendered in World War 2 and if Napoleon had a vagina". Her main habitat is either Corsica or Paris, but she is frequently seen along the coast of East Quaintleby-next-the-Sea-thorpe, just keepin' it real. Alizée is a rare exception to the French Women species. Her powers include singing, dancing, smiling, controling large populations of people, stealing the souls of men, women, and children, being able to turn people inside-out by dancing a jig, and heart surgery. Alizée is considered by most religious leaders as an anomaly of the heavens - designed to be ordinary, but containing an extreme concentrate of perfection. God denies these accusations. David Lee Roth was famously coaxed out of Van Halen to act as guardian for Alizée - of the 599 attempts on Alizée's life made by jealous Tinkerbells, none have succeeded, at the cost of Mr. Lee Roth's hair, sobriety, and relevence to modern music.

“...and they thought I was gay, hah!”

~ Jérémy Chatelain on marrying Alizée

“Well, Honda has done it again!”

~ George W. Bush on Alizée

“Alizée does it better.”

~ Night Elf Male on Night Elf Female

“Alizée Jacotey, R all I see in my Infancy”

“What, I not write this page?”

~ RMJ on Alizée's Uncyclopedia Article

Early Life[edit]

Though some sources put forth the theory that Alizée was created in a laboratory by the government, it is believed by most contemporary sources that Alizée was born in Ajaccio, Corsica in 1984. She is reported to have stolen her first soul at age 2, when an unfortunate young tot by the name of Timmy was sucked in as she shuffled to the sounds of Sesame Street. There is little information on her life from ages 1-13, primarily because everyone around to witness it is currently either comatose or Agent Orange, and Agent Orange ain't talkin' for nobody. On her 13th birthday it was decided by the International Committee of Universal Perfection (ICUP) that the dancin' prancin' Francin' lady was worthy of the mantle of Perfect woman, a designation that would change her life forever.

Career[edit]

At the tenger age of 15, Alizée traveled to Paris to compete in a singing competition, of which there is no account because all present died when her turn came around. Sensing the seismic shock of Alizée's performance half the world away in Los Angeles, Mylene Farmer, otherwise known as the "Queen Latifah of the whites", coralled her minions and flew to France, meeting with Alizée and presenting a contract to record albums, tour the world, and harvest souls under her guidance. One of the mysterhdfies of Ms. Farmer's meeting is how she survived Alizée's power - upon investigation, it has been decided that it is because Ms. Farmer lacks a heart.

Gourmandises[edit]

The first album released by Farmer and Alizée, in the year 2000, was entitled Gourmandises, and had 8+ songs on it. The exact number of songs is unknown, as the human ear gives the fuck up on the eighth song, replacing the sounds of the album with a Rick Astley loop. This album is noted as the breakthrough of Alizée - 8,000,000 men, 4,300,000 women, and 200 bears are reported to have lost their souls to this album alone, and that's not even counting the number of head implosions. The blood of poor heterosexual men was running through the streets of Paris - the Alizée-machine had roared into life.

Mes Courants Electriques[edit]

Three years later, Farmer, who by now had evolved into the beginning stages of a Margaret Thatcher, teamed up with Alizée again to create their second album, Mes Courants Electriques. This album is considered a commercial failure in comparison to Gourmandises, but inquiries into the matter have decided that this is because very few people were left to buy the album - Gourmandises had left millions incapable of buying the album. The title of the record is reported to be in reference to rumors that Alizée is in fact a robot built to break France's streak of surrender, but is actually a reference to Alizée's love for computers and electroshock therapy. The first single of this album, J'en Ai Marre, was accompanied by a dance so liquidly sexual that forest fires began spontaneously breaking out in Siberia and Keanu Reeves was reported to have smiled at first glimpse. This dance is rumored to be the genesis of Blizzard's World of Warcraft, but after they realized some men are gay, they made it into a whole MMORPG game rather than just a game about Alizée's dancing.

Psychédélices[edit]

A completely mysterious album speculated to be the first album created by Alizée after slaying Mylene Farmer at the lip of Mount Doom and taking her heavy-duty soul for herself. Nobody has heard this album, because nobody had survived the previous two. The day this album gets wide-spread exposure in the United States is feared to be the day France finally wins/accomplishes something.

Personal Life[edit]

In late 2003, she married Jérémy Chatelain, otherwise known as TFLJ (That F***ing Lucky Jérémy). After her marriage to Jérémy was made known, men around the world began clawing their faces into pulps, women regained their husbands, and Keanu Reeves shed a tear. Although this put Jérémy in great danger, causing Yassir Arafat to declare him "more of a nuisance than America" and Mafia bosses to place him on their hitlists, it was decided that it would be a sin to make Alizée unhappy, and Jérémy's life was saved. Today Jérémy is accepted by followers of Alizée, especially after he sired a daughter with her. In her free time, Alizée enjoys pancakes, pina coladas, long walks on the beach, and training her daughter to succeed her as Head Vixen of the Universe, continuing the role of Perfect woman in the family lineage as, it has been recently discovered, Jérémy Chatelain is the closest thing to the French Women species.

Before Jerm's Alizée had a boyfriend name Dick Hertz. After a month of dating Alizée caught Dick in bed with a German lederhosen tailor named Jack Hoff. Alizée was so disgusted by this she took Jack Hoff and riped his big German shmushtel off and fed it to Dick. Jack Hoff was than immediately thrown off a cliff to his death by Alizée. The police happened to see this but their cocks were to erect upon seeing Alizée and her beauty to chase her so they just let her go and forgot all about the crime. It is also rumored their snail cannons weren't functioning properly that day, but FUCKUP (French Unified Company of Kinky Unintelligent Police) has denied this claim. Dick would learn his lesson and became Alizée's official bitch. He would remain Alizée's bitch until a few years later when he was replaced by Jérémy who is now the official bitch. No one knows what happened to Dick Hertz but it is assumed Alizée ate him alive. Alizée has stated many times that she liked Dick better than Jérémy because of Jérémy has a super small dick. But she couldn't stand to have a fairy super speedo gaylord boyfriend which is why she is no longer with Dick. This would eventually lead into Alizée's deep hate of fairies, especially Tinkerbell (love hate relationship really). To compensate for Jérémy's small Shmushtel and lack of being a man, Alizée very rarely lets him get funky with her, instead he is to watch as she calls upon her vibrator to do what he can't. It is said by many that the only time Jérémy got anything done, it ended up in a mentally-incapable fuck-up mistaked baby. Alizée's response to that was "I love my baby girl very much, more than my idiot bitch she was completely planned. I had my bitch practice on me 2 times before!"

Alizée's Band[edit]

  • Due to Alizée's heavy requirements for top musicians, she requires all members of her band to practice 52 hours a day on their instruments, except for Steve Vai who only has to practice looking good on stage. Due to George W. Bush's disfunctional presidential duties, he can devote his time to practicing his female clown act to the aforementioned hours that Alizée requires. Alizée has done a lot to keep Satan from going back to hell, by creating compromises resulting in Jolly Ranchers and the promise that he will be able to claim the soul of Ben Stiller.
  • Besides his family, Alizée is the only known person to have seen Buckethead unmasked.

10 easy steps[edit]

10 easy steps on what to do when meeting Alizée

  • 1. Bow down, try to keep it in your pants.
  • 2. Try not to die; she can smell fear!
  • 3. Keep the tongue in your mouth (even though she is french)
  • 4. Keep repeating "Come to the U.S.", then try to French her
  • 5. Offer gifts of candy - it'll pacify her and keep her from eating your soul
  • 6. Watch and enjoy her kicking your ass
  • 7. Think of an excuse to explain why it is that your drool has completely worn away the fabrics of your shirt
  • 8. Enjoy - at this very moment, you've become enshrined in the club of "Lucky Bastards"
  • 9. Go home and jerk off, you have just met the hottest female ever.
  • 10. Repeat the process until blacklisted like RMJ
STILL don't tell me you wouldn't. As you can see there's a dead fairy taped to her back

Fun Facts[edit]

  • Once voted "World's greatest wank fodder" because she occupies a spot in 90% percent of all men's "Spank Banks." The other 10% don't know about her... yet.
  • Born in the Back seat of a Chevy Corsica.
  • Is the only person Chuck Norris can't touch.
  • Is an exception to the French Women species. FRA
  • She makes other women look like walruses. FRA
  • She once made Marilyn Manson suck his own dick just so she could watch. FRA
  • She is pure raw untampered awesomeness.
  • Alizée=awesome^999
  • She makes gay men straight
    Makes gay men straight, gay men looking at this picture right now are unaware that they do not like Elton John anymore.
  • She makes straight women Lesbians
  • Men who cheat on their wives won't cheat if they're married to Alizée
  • Made France a popular country despite their constant surrendering
  • Whatever she touches, is worth 5 million Euros
  • Was written in the Bible that God would send the most beautiful woman in 1984, named Alizée, but those pages in the bible were lost.
  • Likes Madonna, but Madonna is jealous of her. Madonna is currently trying to kill Alizée but all attempts have failed.
  • Rumored to have saved the us from having World War III
  • Has caused Satan to help humanity
  • Does not like any music besides Madonna's and her own
  • Makes rappers change their genre of music just to impress her
  • Is not an attention freak, and she will not cheat on her husband, unlike other celebrities.
  • She is the only reason to learn French
  • She keeps the French from surrendering in the first minute. Because of her it takes 2 minutes! 1/2 FRA
  • Has a good taste in hairstyles, unlike Britney Spears
  • Is not a slut like Britney Spears
  • She is a perfect woman
  • Loves her fans more than her family
  • Her fans love her more than her family does
  • Is not emo
  • Is not even related to the emo species is any remote essence
  • She envy's Tinkerbell because it can fly, so she often kills them. FRA
  • She once killed a Tinkerbell so she could steal it's wings and magical powers, which she already had. FRA
  • She has a dead Tinkerbell taped to her back as you can see in the picture above. FRA
  • Once drank a Coke which in turn makes Coke even more awesome so Coke=awesome^2
  • She is the reason you visit Youtube so much. Don't lie to yourself, it's true. T
  • She is the ONLY reason you visit Youtube
  • God has not come back to Earth yet because of Alizée. Only one savior is allowed at a time. T
  • The only reason Chuck Norris is alive is because Alizée allowed it.
  • Alizée would've shot down a German fighter plane by pointing her finger in the air and saying bang! To bad her country already lost the war before she could do it. FRA
  • France always surrenders because their soldiers want to go back home and watch Alizée. T
  • France may win their next war because they have Alizée as their new secret weapon! FRA
  • The God of everything is actually a woman. Her name is Alizée. T
  • Alizée wears the pants in her relationship. Jeremy just cleans 'em. T
  • Alizée drives any car she can hot-wire on the street, so beware! Even easier if it's male owned. FRA
  • Don't even think about picking a fight with Alizée, she WILL kick your ass, no questions asked. She will wreck you. T
  • Is a major factor of many women's insecurities.
  • Her voice is better than sex.

Discography[edit]

She is well known for taking long breaks between albums, as noted her longest break was from her 2nd to her 3rd album.

  • Alizée's Scandinavian Folk Collections (Der Gretest Hets) (900 AD)
  • Supralizée (1000 AD)
  • Alizée Music for the Union (not Confederate crappers) (1864 AD)
  • Gourmandissing (Sweet Taunting) (2000 AD)
  • Miss Currents the Electrician (2003 AD)
  • Psycho Delicious (2007 AD)
  • Cinco de Mayonnaise (collaboration with Flavor Flav) (2008 AD)
"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me"

Quotes[edit]

  • "Will someone please teach me how to dress?"
  • "Future Raptor Ace keeps annoying the shit out of me on my myspace, he keep saying come to the fucking US. I get it already you dumb ass!"
  • "People who spend the time on or to create websites about me are losers and should get a life, especially the person who made the Uncyclopedia article about me!"
  • "Stop looking up my skirts, there's more too see on the outside than the inside"
  • "If Mylene Farmer doesn't like it, she can kiss my black ass!"
  • " Why does Mylene always insist on trying to dress me up like a little slut?"
  • "I plan on personally taking over the United states to claim it for France. Screw English, when im dictator, they will all be speaking French!"
  • "My job is to force the French Language upon people against their will!"
  • "We we we, I like hockey, it makes me so happy!"
  • "hahah, I cant cook for shit, so make your own damm food!"
  • "Im scared of this big viking guy who keeps telling me to do metal songs!"
  • "Who is crazy that English guy that keeps drawing me?"
  • "You dam kids.......... get the hell off my lawn before I start throwing shit at you!"
  • "My name means death by Chinese Water Torture, my parents were passionate serial killers!"
  • "Drugs no; I stay away from drugs. I don't want to be like Micheal Jackson!"
  • "I support sweat shops and death labor camps of Asian children, this is why I only buy Nike sneakers!"
  • "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hott like me!"
  • "You can look but you can't touch; I don't like to be touched!"
  • "Being ruler of the world is great." T
  • "It's a little too Mylène, if you catch my drift."
  • "Abercrombie sucks. I wear Hollister. I live near a beach so I can wear Hollister. Corsica, heard of it?"
  • "Excuse me........ I'm going to have to kick your ass for saying such shit; watch my foot as it greets your face!
  • "Hehe ahhh, you Americans are so funny." T
  • "Look at my ass again and I swear I'll kill you." T
  • "The stripping was a one time thing m'kay?"
  • "Remember! Tell everyone Alizée rules! Or I will shit on your head!"

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]