Fragment of a Shakespeare play discovered

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Fragment of a Shakespeare play discovered.


The first two pages of a previously unheard of play by some bloke have been discovered. They were found accidentally mixed up with someone’s porn collection. Apparently the entire play existed in full. But the remaining pages were used as toilet paper during an outbreak of the shits. Anyway, here in all their glory are the first few pages of “All's Fucked That Ends Fucked”.

                          All's fucked that ends fucked.
                        A  most excellent play in 477 parts
                           By Mr. William Shakespeare.
                      Dramatis personae (Characters and shit)                           

Mr Dante- Introduces the play and characters in a soliloquy.

The Jester- Court jester of Emperor Fred. He is a philosopher and ex-porn star addicted to digestive biscuits and glue.

Benvarranchio- The Italian ambassador. An art connoisseur and a colossal pervert. Author of 101 Things to do with a Cucumber. He is the brother of the infamous Mafia boss Ole Mario Leather Nuts.

Bizarro- An insane gibbering maniac whom the other characters find incomprehensible.

Lord Smythe- The emperor’s concubine.

Edgar- Lord Smythe’s servant and mistress.

Rodriguez Emperor Fred’s butler.

Emperor Fred- Supreme ruler and sovereign of Emperor Fred’s budget trailer park and all the lands west of Bournemouth.

Sir Horace- The emperor’s champion and publicist.

Lady Thing- A she-male with 6 breasts and male genitalia who falls in love with Emperor Fred.

Countess Winchester- An unconvincing transvestite. He is sixteen stone with a handlebar moustache and a flaming death’s-head tattooed across his face.

Attendants, trumpeters, heralds, dwarfs selling cocaine, standard bearers, acrobatic elephants, flaming chariots, paparazzi, etc.

                                      Act one.                 
                 Scene one. Exterior of the tavern. Enter Mr. Dante. 

Mr. Dante: The night,

'Tis like the spotted Herbert who wanks the hours away.

And as we piss so saying thus so fly shall we to twelve years past,

With all the hollowed and beneficent speed of the gull who shat on Hector's head.

'Twas a perilous time for the noble Fred, most gracious godly sovereign,

Assailed he was by lady thing, a most disturbing mass o' flab.

A creature such as the sausage sucker amongst his turds darest not conceive

A thing of abject gobbing. A dick weed amongst the flowers is Fred,

Pissed upon by intoxicated wank stains, amoot most allegorized crows,

Who pecketh holes upon his dick though heaven only knows.

Zounds is that the shit! I must away...

[Exit Mr. Dante]


[Enter the Jester and Rodriguez.]

Jester: I implore thee, noble sir, do not defend the fag. 'Tis well known sir, your master cannot get it up.

Rodriguez: I shall to the last flibble defend the noble fag. How say you thus the piss is on, upon the knobbing stick?

Jester: I shall, sir, reconcile the turds.

Rodriguez: How so the turds?

Jester: The turds, sir, reside upon thy master's bonce.

Rodriguez: His bonce, forsooth.

Jester: Ay, his noble bonce upon which the tits of Lady Thing do now flatulate.

Rodriguez: 'Tis sad for the king, that he must screw this thing.

Jester: Ay, 'tis a cock o' the foot.

[Enter Bizarro]

Bizarro: Excuse me. Do you know the way to the station?

Rodriguez: What manner of thing is this

That prithee has forsooth sprang out from Virgil's piss?

Bizarro: What?

Jester: It mocks us, good Rodriguez.

Bizarro: Look. can you tell me how to get to the station or not?

Rodriguez: 'Tis strange, godly strange.

Jester: Nay, 'tis likely a witch, prithee part to stalk the night and goblet all the piss.

Rodriguez draws his sword.

Bizarro: Look, there’s no need for that, I just want directions to the station!

Rodriguez: Thou villainous bastard shalt feel the bumming of my righteous weapon.

[They chase Bizarro offstage waving their swords in the air.]


                                 Act one. Scene two.


[Enter Emperor Fred, Benvarranchio, Lord Smythe, Edgar, Sir Horace, Countess Winchester, Attendants, trumpeters, heralds, dwarfs selling cocaine, standard bearers, acrobatic elephants, flaming chariots, and paparazzi.]

Emperor Fred: Ah! 'Tis the turnip of the gracious lord, good Smythe.

Smythe: 'Tis so, your grace.

Emperor Fred: What ails the bitch tonight, good Smythe?

Smythe: The Lady Thing, requisite in her roped flab doth request your presence, in order for thy noble self to burst the boils upon her arse.

Emperor Fred: Nay, 'tis a vile coming. I shall not piss tonight!

Smythe: Most gracious sir, there is another matter, which in its impotent splendour doth call thee from thy waking turnip.

Emperor Fred: The penguin’s bath!

Smythe: No, good lord.

Emperor Fred: Zounds! The shit! May it be not so!

Smythe: Nay, sir, 'tis a trivial Blanco. May I prithee doth the stalk present the Countess Winchester.

Countess Winchester: Greetings, eminent majesty. I come in godly faith to attend to thy thing's loathsome pimples!

Emperor Fred: Go then and attended, for I must deal the shit!

Edgar: My lord, the shit! 'Tis an urgent faggot!

Benvarranchio: Thoust may warrant my assistance thus!

Emperor: Prithee, let's embark!

To the shit we must hark!

[Exeunt.]