All My Children

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Erica Kane

All My Children is a long-running American daytime drama. It is arguably the most realistic show ever aired on American television. It has won more awards than any other American television drama and is broadcast in every country in the entire world. It is even broadcast in Antarctica, where it has developed a cult following among penguins. On May 15, 2007, All My Children aired its 75,000th episode. Originally 10 minutes in length, the show expanded to three hours in 1980. It is recorded in the back room of an adult bookstore in Jasper County, Mississippi. Every episode is recorded on extremely expensive camera cell phones.

All My Children was created by Pat Nixon. She set the show in fictional Pinecone Valley, Louisiana.

At one time, the show was so popular that the government attempted to have it removed from the air, since 75% of the American workforce would call in sick instead of missing their beloved show. Now that VCR's and DVR have come along, the show is seemingly safe.

All My Children is the most spiritually uplifting series in American television history.

History[edit]

The show's first action took place around several families and characters, in various pawn shops, strip clubs, and bordellos in fictional Pinecone Valley. The vast majority of early storylines revolved around the attempts of wealthy socialite Erica Kane (played deliciously by Susan Lucci) to land herself a man. Since her debut in 1961, the character of Erica has been married twenty-seven times.

Here is a partial list of Erica's husbands:

Husband #1...Phoebe Tyler.....(played by Gary Coleman)

Husband #2...Brooke English...(played by Carrot Top)

Husband #3...Ron Jeremy... (played by Emmanuel Lewis)

Husband #4...Mike Hunt... (played by George W. Bush)

Good Enough For Seconds...Husband #1 AND #5!

Husband #5...Name Uncertain... (played again by Gary Coleman)

Husband #6...Saddam Hussein... (played by Saddam Hussein)

Husband #7...Palmer Courtland, Sr... (played by Burl Ives)

Husband #8...Dixie Cooney... (played by Jay Leno)

Husband #9...Name Unknown... (played by Sanjaya Malakar)

It should be noted that marriage number 9 is denied by Lucci, as well as the character of Erica, as she is ashamed of the union, saying the ninth husband resembled a transsexual hedgehog.

Husband #27...Richard Simmons... (played by himself)

Theme Song[edit]

The award-winning theme song of All My Children has always been "Tarzan Boy" by Baltimora, except for the 1991- season in which it was temporarily replaced by "9 to 5"-not the Dolly Parton version, but rather a cover performed by Patty Hearst. It is rumored that the beloved "Tarzan Boy" theme song may be replaced in the near future by a remake of "Barbie Girl" by Aqua performed by Susan Lucci herself with backing vocals provided by Hillary Clinton. A teaser video of the Clinton and Lucci cover has been released to MTV and stars Charlene Tilton, Sally Struthers, and Queen Elizabeth as backup dancers.

Awards[edit]

All My Children has won more awards than any other American television drama. Susan Lucci has won the Daytime Emmy for best actress thirty-five times in a row. Virtually unbeatable, actresses from competing networks stopped putting their name "in the hat" for consideration years ago. Since 1982, Lucci has been the only actress nominated in her category.

Best Actress Nominee 1981

It should be noted that Sanjaya Malakar was also nominated for best actress in 1981, even though he played Erica's ninth husband, of unknown name and origin.

The show has also received the following awards and distinctions:

1970...The Dana Plato Award for Outstanding Contributions to Transsexual Entertainment (Nearly 60% of the cast are transsexual.)

1972...The Charo Award for "Love Boat" Excellence (Recipients of this award are honored for their outstanding ability to portray characters from the "Love Boat" in a positive light...in this case, Vicky, Captain Stubing's daughter who was adopted by Erica in a controversial storyline.)

1975...Best Storyline Involving the Use of Hermaphrodite Puppets (In the controversial storyline involving Erica's attempts to help crack-addicted ex-Vaudeville stars save their drag queen neighbor, who happened to be a deaf-mute puppeteer, from deportation.)

1984...The Reverend Sun Myung Moon Unification Church Award for Acceptance of Moonies in Daytime Dramas (After a storyline in which Erica's daughter, Bianca, became a Moony after purchasing flowers at a local airport. Instead of having Bianca kidnapped and deprogrammed, the writers chose to have Erica become a Moony, as well. Erica Kane has been a Moony, as well as every other character on All My Children since the summer of 1999, effectively referred to as "The Enlightening Summer of Moon" by fans and purists.)

1970-2006...Most Realistic Daytime Drama (Due, in part, to the large amount of transsexual and Moony characters.)

Criticism[edit]

All My Children has never been criticized by any living creature, except for Jenna Jameson, who has been quoted as saying that the show "promotes transssexuality and the Unification Church" which is not surprising as Jameson herself is a former Moony.

Anti-Moony and Anti-AMC

Rosie O'Donnell once criticized the beloved show on "The View" but nobody cares what she thinks, least of all Erica Kane.

Trivia[edit]

  • AMC was the favorite television show of Frodo Baggins.
  • Instead of listening to Reverend Sun Myung Moon preach at Tent Revivals, episodes of All My Children are shown on big-screen televisions.
  • Jenna Jameson once organized an assault on a Unification Church Tent Revival. This, in turn, was incorporated into a storyline on AMC.

A ratings bonanza, the storyline was then parlayed into a successful motion picture, directed by Steven Spielberg. The picture, entitled "Moon This, Motherf***er! Love, Jenna", won seventeen Oscars including Best Picture.

  • After the cancellation of The Muppet Show, Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, and Gonzo all found work on All My Children.

All four played love interests of Bianca Kane, Erica's lesbian Moony daughter.

Miss Piggy Played on AMC
  • Every actor that has ever appeared on All My Children has appeared on Circus of the Stars.
  • Although Moonies, transsexuals, prostitutes, rapists, drag queens, and Muppets have appeared regularly on the show, AMC has been praised for its adherence to family values. Martha Stewart, Whoopi Goldberg, and Imus have all endorsed the show at one time or another.
  • Rumors abound on the internet and in tabloid magazines that when Bob Barker retires from The Price is Right in June of 2007, he will be inking a deal with AMC to star as Erica's 28th husband.