All numbers are equal to zero

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The Fundamental Theorem of Balls, namely that all real numbers are equal to zero, was discovered by Karl Zyzkovic on the 17th of November 2006. As mathematicians have gradually come to accept the truth of this theorem, the implications have been dramatic. Not only do the entire physical sciences curriculum for every school and university in the world need to be rewritten, but millions of real life implications have been observed.

Contents 1 Proof 2 Bastard's Lemma 3 Criticisms 4 East Berlin 5 The Hitchhiker's Proof of the Nothingness 6 Implications 7 See also

[edit] Proof

Euler's identity states that:

e^iπ = − 1

Squaring both sides of this equation, and taking natural logarithms:

2iπ = ln[( − 1)²]

2iπ = ln1

2iπ = 0

Hence either 2 = 0, i = 0 or π = 0. Now we know that i is the square root of -1, and 0 squared does not equal -1 (unless -1 = 0), so i does not equal zero. By the definition that π is the ratio between the length of the circumference of a circle and the diameter, it does not make sense that π = 0. This implies the bizarre equality that 2 = 0. Expanding on this, for any real number n:

2n = 0n

2n = 0

By dividing both sides of this equation by 2, we get the desired result. Some mathematicians argue that dividing by 2 is illegal since 2 = 0, but since 0 is also equal to 2 then it's obviously alright, innit?.

n = 0

By considering our initial definition that n is any real number, we can see that all real numbers equal zero. Though it can be noted that π would also equal zero, whether i = 0 may be disputed, but no matter you pick 2, π or i to be equal with zero, the conclusion that all real numbers equal zero is inevitable.

[edit] Bastard's Lemma

An alternative proof was provided by L. U. Bastard (2007) generalising The Fundamental Theorem of Arithmetic to any field. Given a field F, consider an element

Let y = x

y² = xy

y² − x² = xy − x²

(y + x)(y − x) = x(y − x)

y + x = x

But as x = y we can substitute to give:

y + x = y

x = 0

An interesting corollary of Bastard's Lemma is that all groups are trivial. Considering an element for some group G

Failed to parse (lexing error): e=gg^{-1}=g^{0} \:\forall g\in G

Failed to parse (lexing error): g=g^{1} \:\forall g\in G

And as 1 = 0 we have g⁰ = g¹

Failed to parse (lexing error): \therefore e=g \:\forall g \in G

[edit] Criticisms

The most common criticisms of this theorem call Euler's Identity into question. Proponents of feetball contend that since the Houston Euler's moved to Tennessee and became the Williams's's, Euler's Identity is no longer valid. Feetballers possess very few maths (0 to be precise), so these criticisms aren't taken seriously.

Some may point out, that the operation executed while transforming the equation from the third row to the fourth is incorrect, while: (given that x = y)

x − y = x − x

x − x = 0

Those with no mathematical knowledge may here ask themselves "well, what's da f*cking problem?." The explanation is, that the occult algebraic operation known as "division by zero" is strictly forbidden, according to the american constitiution. (This means, in mathematical terms, trouble.) But, as the american constitution never has been mathematically proved, most mathematicians mean that this contra-proof of the theorem can easily be ignored. Some say that it's actually a part of a communist propaganda campaign.

Others have trouble with the natural logarithms in the proof. Those lacking rhythm will instead produce logarithms that appear awkward and forced. DDR was invented to combat this problem.

[edit] East Berlin

I recall a little spot in the Stalinallee, where we would stop sometimes to queue for sausages. Your burlap scarf, your patchy lipstick, the wet-dog smell of the people nearby ... I had counterrevolutionary thoughts, then. I was falling victim to the Trotsky clique. Now I know, it was all nothing, and I feel like a total butthole.

[edit] The Hitchhiker's Proof of the Nothingness

Since it is common knowledge that 6 * 9 = 42, mathematicians on the other hand would say that 6 * 9 = 54 and 6 * 7 = 42, thus we are forced to conclude that 42 = 54, divided by 6 this renders 7 = 9 or 7 * 1 = 9 * 1. If we would mathematically calculate 7 * x = 9 * x, we would assert that x = 0, thus 1 = 0 and since every non-zero number is defined using 1 (2 = 1 + 1, ) all numbers are equal to zero.

Since 42 is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything we should be able to extract some existential truth from this revelation: Since all equals zero, nothing exists, but since 1 = 0, all is one. So though we may mourn over our separate existence being an illusion, we may find purpose and happiness in the oneness of everything. Anyway, DON'T PANIC.

On a related note, one may find that in base 13, 6 * 9 mathematically DOES make 42, though this is just Douglas Adams's bad luck, he doesn't actually make jokes in base 13.

[edit] Implications

This new discovery implies many unexpected facts are true:

• Your penis is precisely 0 units long, also, the volume of your boobs is exactly 0 m³, and your brain has a mass of precisely 0 grams.
• The Fundamental Theorem of Arithmetic was actually discovered on the 0th day of the 0th month in the year 0.
• George Bush has been President of the USA for precisely 0 seconds.
• Uncyclopedia contains exactly 0 articles. Yet you are reading an Uncyclopedia article right now. Creepy, isn't it?
• You have been laid precisely 0 times. That's right, you're still a virgin. Since you are still 0 years old, this is excusable.

[edit] See also

• Pi equals exactly three
• 1=2

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