Alone in the Dark
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Alone in the Dark once upon a time existed as a well known and much beloved series of horror-themed video games. However, their existence was wiped from nearly all public records in late 2004 after Uwe Boll found a used copy of the original game at a Gamestop in Berlin, Ontario. According to store employees present at the time, Boll purchased the game after trading in three copies of Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing and a Howard the Duck DVD. He then proceeded to use the game disc to massage his scrotum. As one of the employees phoned the Berlin police department, Boll ran out of the store with his pants around his knees, held the game's box up in the air for all to see and began shouting in a combination of German and broken Engrish. Although most of what Boll shouted was too nonsensical to understand, a thirteen-year-old girl said to have been using a microphone to record bird chirpings for a school assignment inadvertently recorded Boll as he nanced by and slapped her in the face with his penis.
"Mein Fuhrer! I am in great rape with Alone in ze Black. I make ze great German movie to celebrate ze Nazi feathers and dusters! Ooka boogie boo!"
The microphone continued to pick up samples of Boll's excited triumph until he nanced out of range. When word of Boll's intentions were made clear, the publisher and developer of the Alone in the Dark game series disowned all rights to the franchise, and governments around the world enacted a clean-up operation to rid the world of every last copy in existence. By the time Boll's film reached theaters, the operation had been completed, save for the one copy of the game still in Boll's posession. Authorities are unconcerned about its existence, as there is little doubt Boll's sexual encounters with the game disc has damaged it beyond usability.
Boll's film based on the game subsequently bombed at the box office. The reason for this is that theater employees were given government orders to shoot anyone requesting tickets to the film in the head. As a result, a lot of very stupid people died and the world became a better place. A similar policy was issued to video stores and rentals upon the film's DVD release. Death toll statistics are still being gathered but should be ready for a public report by 2010.
[edit] Postscript
The young girl that recorded her damning encounter with Boll is currently locked in the maximum security ward of the Ontario Institution for the Mentally Fucked Up and is undergoing continuing treatment stemming from her traumatic encounter with Boll's penis. Doctors say that although there is little hope for a full recovery, she may regain enough social functionality to live in the wild among wolves by the time she is legally an adult.
